June 09, 2005

I must have an aura.

These freak little storms that are hammering us need to stop. First off, they are very localized. It may be raining where I am right now, but half a mile away, it will be dry as a bone. It will be cloudy for hours and then the skies open up into a torrential downpour. Gallons of rain fall in a short period of time. The wind drives these fat drops with enough force that if you are inside a building it sounds like someone is ripping the roof off. They don’t last long, about 15-30 minutes at the most, just enough to be annoying. These storms have been happening everyday since last Saturday.

If you are caught in one of them, you will be soaked. Trust me, I know. It happened to me yesterday. A local fast food restaurant, Arby’s, was having a sale. If you buy one sandwich, you get the second one of equal or lesser value free. My wife, T the Minion and I decided to go there on lunch. When we arrived, it was sunny and warm out. I parked Janine, my truck, in the only available spot I could fit her into which was on the far side of the parking lot. We went in ordered our food, which they screwed my order up, as they always do. It’s okay; they gave me a free summer-sized glow in the dark cup and drink to compensate for it. Hey, you can buy me off with $1.89 worth of pop in a $.60 collector’s cup!

We sat down and where half done eating when it happened. The skies opened up as Mother Nature squatted over the earth and took a long drunken piss on us mere mortals. The rain was hitting the plate glass windows so hard you could see them vibrate. I was waiting for the Skylight to shatter under the force of the driving droplets of destruction. The parking lot filled to a depth of a kiddy pool. The wind was blowing leaves and branches off trees. My wife and T decided we should wait for the rain to end. I played along, until the point where they would be late for work if we didn’t leave. Being the bad guy, I had to advise them if we did not leave soon, they would be late back from lunch. We had to head out.

We go out the front door. We are under an overhang at the entrance with another patron and his two kids. I tell T and my wife I will unlock the truck and they need to run and get in. My truck has four doors, but the two rear doors are the reverse doors that only open if the front door is open. T was sitting in the back seat so I told him to go first, once he gets in, I’ll go. My wife takes her shoes off because she can’t run in heals and takes off after T.

As they are running toward the truck, I look down to my hand, there is my remote lock and my thumb starts to slide toward the lock button. That is when my fellow Arby’s patron say’s pointedly, “You’re going to lock them out, aren’t you?” My thumb slides away from the lock button, I point to my wife and respond, “Nah, I’m married to that one, She’d kill me.” The patron just gave me this look and said, “Yea, I wouldn’t do that to my wife either.” I had never seen this guy before, but it was as if he knew me. He knew I was thinking of locking the doors and having a laugh at their expense. It was like he could sense some kind of aura or presence about me that screamed out to the universe, “BEWARE! This man is an asshole! Watch yourself and others around him. You have been warned! This message will repeat in 10 seconds” I’m not denying the thought crossed my mind, but I had already decided not to do it when he asked.

After Ktreva and T were in the truck, I took off across the lot. At one point, I took a step and water came flooding over the top of my shoe, soaking my foot. When I finally got into the truck, I looked at Ktreva and T. We were all soaked, water dripping down our faces. I start the truck and head back to work. We were not more then two minutes out of the lot when the rain just stopped. It didn’t slow down, it just went away.

We arrived at work with 3 minutes to spare. Ktreva and T where irritated because if we had waited and extra couple of minutes, we would have arrived to work dry and on time. I told them that no matter how much I would like to, I am prohibited in using my omnipotence in order to help them avoid the weather. Plus I did turn the air conditioner on to help them dry off! Did I mention the air conditioner in my truck could double as an industrial freezers cooling unit?

I didn’t really mind getting soaked I felt the wet clothes where a good trade for the benefits. I think my wife looks sexy when she’s all wet. She hates it, but it’s not about her! It’s all about her being wet in an air conditioned truck!

Posted by Contagion in General assholery at June 9, 2005 12:28 PM

You are a very evil man.... :)

Posted by: Bou at June 9, 2005 01:08 PM

Yes, "evil" crossed my mind too!

Posted by: Oddybobo at June 9, 2005 01:19 PM

Cruel.. but funny.

Posted by: vw bug at June 9, 2005 01:32 PM

I knew the minute you mentioned the AC what was coming next.


Posted by: Machelle at June 9, 2005 01:39 PM

SPOING! (x2)


Posted by: Graumagus at June 9, 2005 02:45 PM

MMmmmmmm girl+wet+chill :9

Posted by: S at June 9, 2005 07:46 PM