July 29, 2005

Flesh Eating Minions

Have you ever had a hypothetical conversation, during which you say something to hurt another person's feelings? How about if the conversation was about something that was so improbably you would only see it in movies? That is exactly what happened to me yesterday. Some of my minions from work and I went to lunch, while there we started talking about Zombie movies. This brought up the topic of what would you do if zombies started roaming the earth.

It was during this conversation that I hurt my minions’ feelings. If you are still reading at this point, I’m sure you are wondering how. As you may have been able to tell by now, I’m not a normal individual. Being a little obsessive compulsive on various things, I tend to like having emergency plans, “just in case�. My plans contain a contingency for zombies. Okay, now I won’t blame you if you stop reading me now and delete the link, but just here me out. You never know what is going to happen. All it consists of is my plan for invasion by a foreign country, ala Red Dawn. Except that I have it modified for Zombies, Space Aliens and a super disease, ala The Stand. See it’s not AS weird as you were thinking… or it’s even weirder now that you know the rest.

When I went into in-depth detail about my plan, both of my minions said that if zombies did start roaming the earth they where going to come with me. This is where the trouble begins; I told them both that I would not take either because they would be liabilities. Neither of them possess and skills and knowledge that would be useful. My plan consists of my having people with at least a general knowledge of specific topics for it to work. Neither one of them had anything that I could use. Then they asked if I would bring my wife and kids. Which I told them I would, but only because it is my wife and kids; I would however leave my parents and sister. Now they are telling me I’m cold and mean. Then finally, my minion, Big T, says to me, “Well we’ll just show up at your stronghold and pound on the gates.� This is where the hurt feelings happened.

I looked her dead in the eye and responded with, “I’d just shoot you in the head. That way you can’t rise as zombie and I don’t have to worry about providing for you.� (In most zombie movies, if you damage the brain the zombie ceases to function.) She has not stopped giving me crap about this since. Apparently just because I get along with her and my other minion Ton Loc, that I am obligated to keep them safe from zombies. My thing is that times are going to get hard and the more people you have the harder it will be to supply and take care of them. In addition, there is a greater chance for something happening and someone getting bitten; being turned into a zombie themselves. Big T then tried to justify that her husband would fit into my plan, and he might. When I told her that I’d put him into my “Maybe� pile (yes, I called it a pile. They all found this highly amusing), however that I still wouldn’t take her; she became even more upset.

Now I’m just laughing at the whole thing. C’mon people, I am so skeptical that this scenario would ever happen that I’m willing to say it will never happen. How can she be that upset over something that isn’t ever going to happen? Also does anyone else have a zombie contingency plan or is it just me?

Posted by Contagion in General assholery at July 29, 2005 03:59 PM | TrackBack

Women looking into things for different meanings. Don't you know this by now?

Posted by: Sissy at July 29, 2005 03:00 PM

uh, no... and I wont know it tomorrow either. :)

Posted by: Contagion at July 29, 2005 03:21 PM

just when you start to surprise me with your normalcy......

Posted by: ArmyWifeToddlerMom at July 29, 2005 03:48 PM

Actually I do have a Zombie plan. I have had it since I was 13 and saw Dawn of the Dead. I have modified it over the years, but the core is the same...Screw everyone else (except my kids), I'm gonna live! I also have an Alien invasion plan, vampire in the neighborhood plan and a MuthaFucka wants to mug me plan. (all my plans involve fire arms)

Posted by: Shawn at July 30, 2005 02:20 AM

1) Shotgun
2) Shotgun
3) Shotgun

The all-purpose zombie plan.

Oh... and

4) LOTS of shells.

Posted by: Harvey at July 30, 2005 08:38 PM

My 30-.06 and my sks are a must also, for those shots from atop the wal mart I camp out in!

Posted by: Shawn at July 31, 2005 02:00 AM