October 06, 2005

Operation floracide

Some of you may remember what happened the last time I mowed my lawn. That’s right; I haven’t mowed it since. Now before you go getting all indignant on me remember we are still in our “extreme” (oh yeah!) drought here. I will admit the grass has needed cutting for about two weeks now.

The problem is that we seem to be coming out of our drought as we are getting more and more rain. Which is good, but it’s too late for the crops. Unfortunately, this has had a negative impact in my yard. The first being that the grass (read weeds) has started growing rather rapidly. Secondly, every time I went to mow it would rain on me. I’m not giving up football/re-enacting/shooting just to mow my lawn.

Last night it was perfect time finally to mow the lawn. It was a little warm, in the 80’s, but they weren’t calling for rain until much later. However, I decided that the mild-mannered Contagion was not going to be the one to mow the lawn. Not this time, this time we were going to call forth that seasoned veteran of many a household campaign, General Contagion. You may remember him from the press conference after his overwhelming victory against the invading insect armies.

General Contagion first reconnoitered the battlefield to determine the best attack. He came up with a variation of Agent Orange, but that was vetoed by the Queen (Ktreva, we live in a dictatorship in the Contagion household, just ask the kids). She had some worries that in his fervor General Contagion would “accidentally” kill off her precious flowers and plants she has around the house. (For the record General Contagion made this comment, “They’re going to die in a couple of weeks anyway!”).

After surveying the weapons at his disposal, he came up with a plan to purchase some larger mobile artillery to get the job done, preferably something self-propelled with twin blades and a seat. However, due to recent budget cuts, he could not afford to make the purchase. General Contagion was then reduced to his third option. An old-fashioned foot war, the kind that he had not experienced since the Battle of Blackhawk Springs the winter of ’88. It was his first command opportunity and a suicide plan, many a soldier was lost due to inadequate planning by superiors and a lack of equipment. General Contagion hoped this would not be a repeat of that tragic month long battle.

Checking out the equipment at hand, the general was pleased to see that all of it was in a well-maintained and fighting condition. First, the general started with some black ops. Again, his hatred of the UN and Geneva Convention prevailed when he found a supply of bio-chemical toxins (Roundup) left over from a battle the previous year. While the Queen was occupied with her subjects (aka the kids), a massive chemical strike was made against the enemy troops in the hard to reach area’s. We do regret to inform that in the General’s bloodlust some innocent flowers were “accidentally” eradicated.

Next General Contagion brought forth his armored division attack the front lines. It was a tough battle, taking its toll on both sides. The General, understanding the enemy’s troops out numbered him at about 93,487,529,865 to 1, attacked with an aggressive abandon that is only seen from Hollywood these days. The toll on his resources was more then what was anticipated. Three large body lawn bags were needed just for the smaller front yard. In part, this was due to the enemy’s use of mercenary soldiers. The discovery of Zea Mays of the Poaceae family (field corn, I’m not kidding there was corn growing in my yard!) amongst the enemy.

Once the smaller battlefield was cleared of enemy troops, the General focused his attention on the larger battlefield. Here the enemy troops were larger and stronger. They also had their own artillery (More small trees… WTF is with these trees? They are all over my lawn!)

Stopping for a quick resupplying and maintenance of his mobile artillery General Contagion was prepared to proceed as planned. Setting the throttle to full, General Contagion started a blitzkrieg. Except for a surprise flanking attack by some heavy artillery, the battle went smoothly. (Dang trees and shrubs along the property line kept poking and scratching me. Also, Clone left a super ball in the yard. Have you ever seen what happens when one of those things is introduced to the spinning blades of a lawn mower? Let me just say I’m damn glad the bag was mostly filled with grass clippings when I hit the ball!) After 45 minutes of action, only stopping to dispose of the remains, General Contagion walked away victorious.

At the following press conference, the General had this to say, “Today the ever victorious army once again marched upon the enemy successfully. There were no reported losses to our forces and only some minor injuries. Enemy forces were completely and utterly annihilated. There is at least one civilian enemy loss that we are aware of at this time. It was a matter of that civilian being in the wrong place. I do not regret any decision made in fighting this war.”

When confronted with the use of biochemical toxins early on in the war, General Contagion responded with, “I decided that the use of (biochemical toxins) was the most efficient weapon in the locations that were difficult to reach with out a significant risk to the safety of our own troops. It was made clear to me that the use of biochemical toxins was discouraged. At the time the original decision was made we did not know all the facts. If the tree-hugging enviro-hippies are worried about the damage done to the environment with the use of these weapons, then next time they can come and do the dirty work themselves… It’s not like they bathe anyway!”

Posted by Contagion in Bullshite at October 6, 2005 07:10 PM | TrackBack

LMAO! Only because I mow as well. This was great.

Posted by: VW Bug at October 7, 2005 09:51 AM

This is hysterical. This is yet another reason you do not live in Florida, where one's yard looks like you describe, in the summer, when one misses just one of the every 4 day mowings.

Damn, I've NEVER had corn pop up in my yard!

Posted by: Bou at October 9, 2005 09:22 AM