December 07, 2005

Horrible Lies!

ACK! Something has gone terribly awry in the land of Contagion. Something bad that needs to be changed quickly. There is a rumor floating around amongst my minions regarding me that I just cannot let continue. It’s not that I mind rumors flying around about me; in fact, I try to encourage as many as possible. The more strange stories about me, the more people don’t know how to react in my presence. Some rumors are true, some are false, I let them continue as long as they add to the mystique that is me.

This time someone has gone too far. Two of my newer minions came up to me to ask a couple of questions this morning. Since they where new and the questions legitimate, I answered them in a clear and concise manner. They thanked me, and then I heard one say to the other, “Minion J was right, he is a nice guy.”

Like fingers on a chalkboard, my brain reeled from that painful sound. NOOOoooooo! They are to fear me, be nervous when I’m around and try to keep from having “meaningful conversations” with me. There was no time to act, I had to react quickly, and my reputation was at stake. Since these where two newer minions, I didn’t want to scar them permanently, so I felt I would let them off with a stern glare this time. Minion J could not be excused for such malicious slander and libel. She would have the bear the brunt of my wrath.

Walking over to Minion J’s desk, I noticed she was talking to Monitor Minion. PERFECT! First thing first, I had to address the fact that they where chitchatting and not working. This sent Monitor Minion scurrying back to her desk. Then I turn to Minion J and say, “I hear you are talking about me.” Of course, Minion J denies the accusation. Then I say to her, “What makes it worse is that you are spreading vicious lies about me.” Minion J claims to have no knowledge of what I’m saying. Blood has drained from her face.

Then I dropped the hammer, “I heard two people talking about how you said I was a nice guy.” Minion J noticeably relaxes and slumps back into her chair. She starts to laugh, LAUGH I tell you! She goes on to explain she feels behind my gruff exterior that I’m actually a nice guy and she’s seen proof of it. She then goes on to give me some obviously misguided examples of my being “nice” to people.

Foolish Minion! What she misconstrued as my being nice, was nothing more then my attempt to get more work out of my minions. Their working harder makes me look better. If that means occasionally I have to do something like give recognition, appreciation and going to bat for them, then so be it. It’s not for them, it’s purely for me!

I would never do anything actually to help someone else. If I did, then people might start expecting things from me, and I can’t have that. They might try to talk or socialize with me. My walking by their desk may no longer scare them into working harder. That crosses the line on my code of ethic. Moreover, nice guys don’t go to sensitivity class.

Well, just to make sure Minion J got my point, I increased her workload for the day. It was all about squashing this nice guy image she’s trying to bestow upon me, and not to prevent any rumors of favoritism.

Posted by Contagion in Tales from the Work Place at December 7, 2005 11:06 AM | TrackBack

Heh, I like your leadership and management style.

Posted by: Dr. Phat Tony at December 7, 2005 11:16 AM

You better have increased that minion's workload SUBSTANTIALLY to ensure that sort of image gets blocked from her brain. The neuronic pathways that connect the image of you in her brain and the ideas of "nice" MUST be severed!

Posted by: Ogre at December 7, 2005 11:59 AM


Posted by: VW Bug at December 7, 2005 12:17 PM

"Nice", that's like calling you "Sane" right? ;)

Posted by: oddybobo at December 7, 2005 01:18 PM

I don't know. Between the balloon post and this post... if you go to work dressed as Santa and hand out gifts, Ktreva is going to have to call the men in the white coats.

Posted by: Bou at December 8, 2005 06:13 AM