May 08, 2006

Lawn 1, Contagion 0

As many of you may recall, I hate yard work. Let me rephrase that because hate is not a strong enough word. I view yard work as a vile punishment set forth by society for transgressions committed and forth coming. I’d rather clean raw sewage out of my basement then yard work. Trust me, I’ve done both. There’s just something about working with plants that makes me want to pave my property and cover it in Astroturf.

That being said, I had to mow the lawn tonight. Some people might say that mowing the lawn should be soothing because it’s like decapitation a million plants. You’re wrong! It’s like giving a million haircuts to the enemy! The damn grass (read weeds) just grows back. The last time I mowed my lawn was two weeks ago tonight. It’s not that I hate doing it as to why it took me so long to mow again; I had a re-enactment and then a trip to Chicago in there. Tonight was the first free night I was able to fire up ye ol’ Flowbee for grass.

With all the much-needed rain we had over the last two weeks, my grass had once again grown to lengths that almost warranted it to be declared a prairie restoration area. I knew I was in trouble when after the first five minutes not only did I cause a stampede of North American Bison (AKA Buffalo), but the bagger on the mower was filled to bursting. People that have seen my house know I don’t have a huge yard (for a reason). That should give you an idea of how long the grass was. I kid you not; I found the remains of a deer in my back yard that had been eaten by coyotes! The grass was almost to my knees in length!

Thirty minutes later, and four yard bags, I finished the front yard and went inside to eat dinner before starting on the back yard. My body required some nourishment in order to keep up the work. Really, it had nothing to do with my mile wide lazy streak and extreme disdain for the task at hand! Boopie, in order to fully understand his new manhood status was forced out into the yard to help. He picked up trash and sticks between fighting off a roaming tribe of plains people that had set up camp back by the once sandbox. It once was a sandbox, now it was a sandy oasis in which the plains people made fires and dried meat from the recently hunted buffalo.

It only took an additional hour to finish the back yard. The plains people revolted against the oppressors trying to take their land. Boopie and I were forced to abandon the lawn Flowbee for rifle and musket to fend off the attack. When we rescued the mower, I needed to unclog all the clippings wedged between the blade, side of the mower and the bag. Apparently you really can over fill the bags on those things. The clippings become so packed in there it’s like trying to dig out cement. I kid you not; I was chipping away at the compacted clippings with a screwdriver trying to get them to come free.

But the job is done. The yard looks… not unkempt. I’m thinking maybe I should hire someone to do this task for me. Especially since Ktreva came out afterwards and gave me a list of other yard work she wants done. Trimming trees and bushes, digging up flowerbeds, removing small trees that started growing in odd places.

I like the rain; I know the farmers need it to make a living. But damn, I didn’t have as much work to do last year in the middle of the drought!

Posted by Contagion in Bullshite at May 8, 2006 07:10 PM | TrackBack

I can see it, in your Kilt, battlin' the savages.

Damn dude - I'll carry this image with me forever.

Do me a favor. Let me know if you mow again before I leave. I'll bring the popcorn. Sounds like a hell of a show!!

Posted by: Tammi at May 9, 2006 06:14 AM

I would love to see you trying to tame my yard. This story is great and I think it would be even more fun if you had an acre to mow!

Posted by: vw bug at May 9, 2006 09:51 AM