May 21, 2006

Grau's mid-life Crises.

Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks has decided to have a mid-life crisis. How one just ups and decides this is beyond me, but he has. To make matters even goofier he can’t come up with something to do as part of his crises and has asked his readers for suggestions. Of course he has set some rules:

1)Must cost less than $100 unless you bastards are willing to cough up the dough for whatever sick shit you inflict on me.
2) Must not be a criminal offense. Sorry folks, I have a family to support and I'm not going to jail and/or getting a permanent criminal record for your amusement.
3) Must not lose me my job (see above).
4) No genital piercings. Self explanitory (and besides, do you really want to see photos of my pasty nads with steel bits through 'em?)
5) Must not get me killed. Remember, the whole idea is that I live another 35 years, remember? Possibly in shame after this is over, but alive nonetheless.
6) Must not end up in divorce. In other words, the conjoined albino midget hookers aren't an option. Sorry guys. I'm sure this will end with me being in trouble (I'll be in trouble after Maranda reads this post) but nothing that's actionable in court, please...
7) No permanent body modification. I'm not getting anymore tats just yet.
8) No eating Lutefisk. Or other horrible poisonous things like scat, urine, eyeballs, etc.
9) No making me dress up like Emma Peel. This woman gets irate when I suggest that. In fact, I'm taking "Grau in drag" off the table as being too horrible to inflict on humanity in general.

Then as if this wasn’t just down right goofy enough, he has decided that T1G, Harvey and myself are going to be the judges to pick and enforce this crisis. (Yea, the man is pretty daft.)

To make sure I don't wuss out, and to pick the submissions to be included in the final poll, three shall be chosen to make sure the sentence is properly enacted. I haven't asked them yet, but I'm sure that Contagion, T1G, and Harvey will relish the idea of torturing and humiliating me will be fair and impartial judges. Being chosen to execute the sentence does not disqualify any of them from submitting entries. God help me.

About know if you’ve read him in the past, you know he is very familiar with the individuals that he picked as judges. That means you have to be thinking, “Grau, you’re one stupid son of a beaotch.” Because you know I’m going to jump all over being a judge. Even if that means I have to sit in a room and watch him have a full body wax. Sure I may end up in counseling for it, but I’d love to see his reaction when they hot wax his balls. Picture if you will a big man crying and screaming for his mommy. Yea, I may be scared from seeing his pasty nads… but the mental image of him screaming already is making me chuckle.

So head on over, make your suggestions. Make sure they are good. We, er I, want something I can make fun of him for years about.

Posted by Contagion in General assholery at May 21, 2006 08:38 PM | TrackBack

A Hot Topic shopping spree would be a nice thing...

Posted by: That 1 Guy at May 22, 2006 08:19 AM

Maybe he could shave a naughty word into his back hair?

Posted by: Harvey at May 22, 2006 04:00 PM

T1G: That'll cost more then $100.00

Harvey: His wife will deam that a divorceable offense.

Posted by: Contagion at May 22, 2006 06:08 PM

Actually I think she only had issues with the head to toe shaving (IE: she likes a man with eyebrows)

Posted by: Graumagus at May 23, 2006 02:38 AM

Head to toe shaving: read my post re: this matter. I have much simpler rules for grau's crisis. And a topnotch fixall to boot!

Posted by: Maranda Rites at May 23, 2006 03:56 PM