May 07, 2007

Contagion versus the Tree.

Itís been four days since the chainsaw incident. Iím done being mad about the whole thing, so now it is actually funny.

Over the last couple of years I had a couple of trees start to grow awfully close to my house and garage. At first I didnít do anything about them, but then I decided I had better get a start before they actually do some damage. Especially since one of the trees was right up next to the house and another was right next to the garage. They werenít big trees. The one next to the house was 3-4 inches in diameter and the one next to the garage was about 7-8 inches wide. The one next to the house was only about 15 feet tall, but the one next to the garage was about 30 feet. The third tree was in the middle of the yard, but along a fence lineÖ I just didnít like it.

The tree next to the house came down easily enough. There were three separate trunks intertwined with some fence. It was a little tricky, but everything went smooth. The tree in the middle of the yard, again intertwined with fence came down easily enough with no damage to the fence or the chain. Then there was the tree by the garage.

First off, not only was this tree right next to the garage, but it was also intertwined with chain link fence. To make it even worse, it was between my garage and my neighborís garage. Our garages are so close I can stand and place my left hand on my garage and be able to touch theirs with my right. Oh, and to make it just a little bit more difficult there is a phone line that runs right next to it. Yea, this one was going to be tricky. Yet I just knew I could get this one down easy as can be. Iíve precision dropped larger trees then this before.

I make a flat cut about halfway through the tree. Then I make an angle cut to take out a wedge to direct the tree to where I want it to fall. Iím almost done with the angle cut when the tree shifts and pinches the chainsaw. WTF? Itís a maple, it shouldnít be that flexible. I mean over half the trunk is still intact! Making sure there is no power to the chainsaw, I try to pull it out. That bad boy was S-T-U-C-K stuck. I figure if I just gently and lightly push on the trunk maybe, MAYBE I can pull out the chainsaw.

Now at this point someone is going to say I should have gotten help, tied a rope to the tree, or something else logical. Hereís the problem. Everyone I asked was busy and couldnít come over. The only help I had was Boopie. If I had tied a rope to the tree and tried to have him pull anything, he would have just hurt himself. Anyone that has met him knows what Iím talking about.

So I just very lightly and gently push on the tree to alleviate the pressure on the blade. Sure enough the treeís grip on the chainsaw is loosened and it starts to come free. Just as Iím about to let go of the tree it happens. Just like in some cartoon or stupid comedy movie the biggest fattest bird I have ever seen plops down onto the furthest sticking branch that will hold its weightÖ over my neighborís garage.

The tree starts to creak as it begins its slow fall. I drop the chainsaw, (Thank all that is good for steel toe work boots) and grab the trunk with both hands pulling it in the opposite direction. My efforts are to no avail as the tree crashes on top of my neighborís garage and phone line. Iím yelling and swearing at the top of my lungs. The boys are staring in wide eyed wonder at the events they just witnessed. To make matters worse, THE TREE STILL WAS ONLY CUT HALF WAY THROUGH! The notch was still in place! It didnít break, the damn thing bent with the weight.

At this point Iíve lost all rational thought. With anger and frustration I grab the chainsaw, power it up and lift it over my head like a psycho path in some comedy-horror flick. In a stream of obscenities that would shock most people I attack, yes attack, the tree with the chainsaw. I finish cutting it all the way through. Then I grab the trunk and pull it off the roof and onto the ground. Boopie is screaming, ďDAD, DONíT! STOP, PLEASE STOP!Ē I am now giggling with a madness that only those that have been irrationally pissed at an inanimate object can understand.

Yes, I got the tree down. No, I did not damage the garage. No one was physically injured, however my kids may need more therapy now when they get older. As for the phone lineÖ uh, I donít know what youíre talking about. Right now there are piles of limbs and trunk in my driveway waiting to be cut up and disposed off. I had too many plans over the weekend to finish it. That and in my exuberance to destroy the damnable plant I broke the chain on the chainsaw. I havenít had a chance to get it fixed yet.

But tomorrowÖ the sage continues.

Posted by Contagion in Stories about me. at May 7, 2007 06:51 PM | TrackBack

Dude. Please wait 3 weeks. Just three weeks. Then I can be in the area (making sales calls wink wink) and see this for myself. Seriously. I'm gonna need to see this. :-)

Posted by: Tammi at May 7, 2007 05:36 PM

I am REALLY pissed that I missed this. Visions of you acting like Bruce "Ash" Campbell!

Posted by: Bruce Wayne at May 7, 2007 07:47 PM

Tammi, I'm sorry. I can't wait three weeks. I have piles of debris that Ktreva wants gone.

Bruce, if you had been there none of this would have happened as I would have had someone strong enough to help me with guide ropes.

Posted by: Contagion at May 7, 2007 09:00 PM

I'd offer to come over and help, but I'm not playing with any sissy ropes, I'm bringing my own chain saw. We can have play Chain Saw Fight Club.

Posted by: Ogre at May 8, 2007 12:17 PM

Quick... it's a tree... kill it!!! LOL.

Posted by: Teresa at May 8, 2007 06:38 PM