Miasmatic Review

It was bound to happen sooner or later

It was only a matter of time before Clone discovered the security system. Boopie knows what it is and pretty much leaves it alone, although I swear he is trying to figure out what the codes are to operate it. I know that at his age I would do the same thing, it’s how you secure your ability to make life difficult on your parents. Unfortunately for Boopie, he has me as a father and I’m paranoid. Therefore I send him out of the room every time I need to set/deactivate the alarm. I also wipe the keypad down with alcohol/bleach wipes to make sure finger print analysis wont show up on it. Then after that is done, just to play it safe. I touch a lot of the other keys as well. Did I mention I’m a paranoid person?

This morning while I was making the below Karnival o’ da Kidz post I had my first non-routine contact with the monitoring company. I had just kicked Clone out of Boopie’s room for the third time this morning and sat back down to finish uploading the picture when all of a sudden I hear the alarm going off. (SCREEEEEEEEEEE…) “Panic button pushed, main turrets operated. STAND STILL AND IDENTIFY YOURSELF OR WE WILL OPEN FIRE!” (SCREEEEEEEEEEE…)

I go running through the house trying to get to clone before the turrets pop out of the ceiling and start spraying down the house with 50 .cal rounds. I leap over the port-a-prison gate we have set up to keep him out of the dining room. With a move that would make Barry Sanders proud, I plant my left leg and do a reverse spin to my right in order to turn left. I grab clone and run for the main security panel. I try to turn off the alarm, but it was too late. I hear this voice echo through the house say, “WE HAVE A PANIC ALERT ACTIVATED! POLICE, SWAT, FBI, NATIONAL GUARD, RED CROSS AND THE BOYSCOUTS ARE IN ROUTE. DO NOT MOVE, IF YOU DO OUR SECURITY SYSTEM WILL TURN YOU INTO A FINE PASTE BEFORE YOU GET TO AN EXIT”

I reply with, “I’m sorry, my two year old got a hold of my wife’s keys and hit the panic button on the remote. There is no emergency…. How do I disarm the turrets? We really are fine.”

Security system, “WHAT IS YOUR NAME AND PASSWORD?”

I give them my name and password.

Security system (sounding disappointed), “YOUR INFORMATION IS CONFIRMED. SYSTEM DEACTIVATING. WE WILL STAND DOWN THE RESPONSE TEAM. WE ARE GLAD WE COULD BE OF ASSISTANCE.”

I tell the guy thank you and watch and the turrets retract back into the ceiling. I take Clone upstairs to his now wide-awake mother and explain what happened. Outside there are neighbors looking intently at my house until they see me come out on the front porch. At which point they are turn and flee back to the safety of their homes.

What a way to start out your day.

Some of the details about the security system abilities and the conversation may have been slightly exaggerated.