August 05, 2008

Now that's embarassing

Have you ever eaten something that at the time was really good and tasted great, but turned on you? Like two hours later when you're in a meeting and all of a sudden you can feel a rapid expansion of you colon. Like a pump was hooked up to your backside filling up your intestines. You sit there sure that if you moved you are going to empty your entire digestive tract into your pants. Yet the pain and discomfort keep growing exponentially with each agonizing second.

After a quick deliberation you decide that it's better to risk the movement to the bathroom to empty thine self in an attempt not to unload in your trousers than to wait and do it anyway. So you excuse yourself and start your slow deliberate walk to the bathroom when all of a sudden a loud, reverberating, thundering sound that lasts for about 2 minutes emits from you.

Everyone in the room turns and looks and all you can say is, "Excuse me, I really shouldn't have had that bean and chili burrito on a whole wheat tortilla on lunch." People are gagging and wiping tears from their eyes. The whole time you're thinking to yourself... Thank god it was only a fart.

I was so embarrassed for that lady.

Posted by Contagion at 07:34 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 24, 2008

Eating silage.

Okay, in an effort to help my gastro problems and just to be healthier Ive started eating Healthier breakfast cereal. Ive tried four different kinds so far and Im about to give up on it, especially this last one. Let me give you a run down on what Ive experienced so far.

A) Kashi Go Lean Crunch: Interesting flavor, I wouldnt say its bad, but Im not sure Id say I like it either. There is a very interesting texture to it. It gave me gas.

2) Kashi Go Lean Crunch with Honey Almond Flax: Again interesting flavor, I think this one tasted better than the regular, Im still not sure I like it. The texture was interesting. It gave me gas.

D) Life: Okay, this one may not be considered a Healthy cereal, but it had the green sensible solution box on it and comparing it to healthy cereals it matched up pretty good. I liked the flavor, I liked the texture. My family liked the break from the gas.

4) Grape Nuts: How this cereal stays on the market is beyond me. Seriously the smell kind of reminds me of silage. The flavor reminds me of the remnants of the mash they use to make beer. It doesnt taste like beer, it tastes like fermented grains that were boiled, dried and served with milk. I kid you not I think Id rather eat the box. I put four packets of sweetener into my cereal container just to choke it down this morning. Now Im sitting here feeling like there is a lump of soggy cardboard in my stomach. Except the soggy cardboard would probably have tasted better. To make matters worse not only did it give me gas, but it gave me unspeakably foul gas. I emptied a conference room with a tiny squeeker. Fortunately the cheek flapping, sphincter hurting colon bomb I let loose in the bathroom. When I regained consciousness and picked myself off of the floor, I helped the other victims evacuate the restroom.

I just want to know, is there a decent healthy cereal that A) Tastes good and most importantly 2) Doesnt give me gas.

Posted by Contagion at 05:58 AM | Comments (11) | TrackBack

January 03, 2008

A wee bit nipply

They've been talking about how cold it's going to be today all week. I just ignored it figuring that, yeah it gets cold during the winter.

I had to re-evaluate my assessment as I watched the exhaust pour out of the four inch tailpipe on my truck like a spy car pumping out a smoke screen. If that wasn't bad enough, I had to giggle as the exhaust froze on the windshield of the car behind me thick enough to impede their vision.

Now that's cold!

Posted by Contagion at 06:16 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

November 17, 2007

Turkey warning!

Just in time for Thanksgiving this important warning has been issued regarding the dangers of Turkey. Ladies take notes.

Thanksgiving Turkey is NOT your friend! | Funny Jokes at JibJab

Guys, make sure you get plenty of turkey for the ladies.

Posted by Contagion at 09:04 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

November 09, 2007

Tennessee day 2

First off let me say this. I snore, I know I snore and I snore badly, but Bloodspite snores like a grizzly being arse raped by a moose. It's loud, it's disturbing, and by god it gave me nightmares.

After realizing that it wasn't some kind of beastial orgy going on in the room, I was able to pull myself out of bed and get ready for the day. Which started with Bloodspite and I heading to Georgia so he could visit with his father and show me some of the sites around were he grew up. Folks, this really is some beautiful country down there, pictures will follow later. Th en after meeting his father and uncle they took me to were the movie Deliverance was filmed. Following that bit we ended up in the ER. Folks, do not be the only northerner arounde a bunch of Georgia boys! Finally we ended up at a gun shop/range to do some shooting... not at the northerner... Were I discovered that Georgia's gun laws rock!

We headed back to the motel were Bloodspite had arranged for a justice of the peace to meet up with Bloodspite's mother and sister and sister's friends. We decided to pick up some beer and discovered that Tennessee sucks! We went to three liquor stores to find beer and each one didn't have anything other then a very piss poor sampling of some so-so beers. When we asked were we could find beer I about lost it when the smart arse store owner told me to go to Citgo. After the third store we ended up going to Wallyworld and just buying some Miller Lite, I was too pissed, annoyed and generally sober to want to continue the hunt for good beer... Fark Tennessee!

Overall it was a good day and I'm looking forward to the game tomorrow. Now if I can only get my wife to understand the new toy I'm bringing home... Georgia gun laws rock!

Posted by Contagion at 10:55 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

July 17, 2007

I need a self mowing lawn.

Well, I really need to do some yard work. Beside the dead squirrel that has been in my front yard for almost two weeks, it hasnt been mowed in almost three. Part of that has been because Ive been out of town, the other has been that ever day I went to mow the lawn, the skies opened up and rained on me. Im not fond of mowing in the rain. Its supposed to rain of an on for the next three nights, and then Im busy again. It looks like Im just going to have to bite the bullet, go out and mow in the rain. Especially since that nomadic tribe of plains people have returned. I really wish I had some of my re-enacting buddies with me to help fight them off. Or give me beer. Owell, Ill do what I have to do.

As for the Squirrel, well lets just say Ive chosen to ignore it. What better way to keep the neighbors at bay then having a rotting animal carcass at the base of your driveway? Yea sure its been there since about July 3, well at least thats when I noticed it. With us being busy and gone, I just havent put much thought into it. However with all the heat we had last week the thing has gone bloated and popped already. Its pretty much just a furry fly covered skeleton that is getting ready to stand up and start walking the earth in search of squirrel brains. Ive got to go pick it up tonight because its in the way of the mower, and as much as I know it would make my neighbors all squeamish to see it, Im not mulching a damned squirrel.

Posted by Contagion at 04:43 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

June 02, 2007

It's really educational.

Everything guys know about women and sex we learned from Pr0n.
Do I even need to say NSFW?

Im telling you folks, the pr0n industry would not lie to us!

Posted by Contagion at 08:36 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Prepare yourselves.

Its not the effects of global warming increasing severe storms we have to worry about, its the thawing of the bloodthirsty possums that is going to undo all of us! For those of you that arent aware of what Im talking about, let me give you some details.

An ancient Breed of Bloodthirsty possums were responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs. I dont care what they say about an asteroid slamming into the earth or global warming, it was these possums.

When the next ice age came along, the possums went into a deep hibernation. They have been undisturbed for years. Now with global warming, they are waking up.

If you think Im kidding, just watch this short documentary of an attack on a research station in Alaska.


Posted by Contagion at 07:57 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 29, 2007

I was right!!!!!

I WARNED YOU! I WARNED YOU! But did any of you believe me?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo! But I have proof! The Rockford Register Star reports on May 25, 2007 Watch out for zombies; the threat is real. By Wally Haas!

Since I dont know how long the article will stay up until the government takes it down in order to hide it from us, Ive copied the whole thing here so as to warn all of you.

They started in North Carolina and have been making their way west. Ive seen subtle signs that theyre approaching Rockford. We all need to be aware the zombies are coming.

The threat of zombies taking over the country was first brought up last year in an email that was received at the Charlotte Observer.

The subject line: This is a very serious situation.

Every day I see countless articles about politics, the war, and why flip-flops arent good for your feet, but I also see Charlotteans neglecting the important news.

The threat of a zombie attack.

The dead are everywhere: in our cemeteries, in our morgues, in our own backyards ... The potential for an undead uprising is huge. There is no question wed be overcome we would be no match for their brute strength and blind determination to feast on human flesh. Zombies dont have a sense of mercy. I can only appeal to parents to sit down with their children and discuss emergency evacuation plans, which household items make the best weapons, and how to recognize when a loved one no longer has a soul. Please, Charlotte, concentrate on the real danger.

Ed Williams, editorial page editor of the Observer, quickly alerted his peers to the threat. Editorial page editors, editorial writers, columnists and community conversation editors across the country, being the serious types that we are, responded accordingly.

Oh come on. We cant print this, one editor replied. It contains a glaring factual error. Zombies feast on human BRAINS not flesh. That in mind, I leave the threat assessment as an exercise.

Some tried to be reassuring.

Dont worry. Its that time of the year. We have loads of them in Ventura County, California. Only theyre called politicians.

Others were not as dismissive.

We clearly have been disrespecting the undead segment of our respective readerships in a less-than-politically-correct manner; hence, we owe them our apologies. One would not want to try to explain a zombie suit to ones newspapers libel insurer.

Others were more practical.

We got that (email) in Detroit, localized. We deleted it.

And then the zombies came we really flogged ourselves when several were elected to the Michigan Legislature.

Looking at the official portraits of some of the men and women in the General Assembly and reading some of the legislation theyve proposed, Im not sure we in Illinois didnt elect a few zombies ourselves.

One of my colleagues said, It wasnt so much that they were zombies. Weve had worse. But they didnt complete our questionnaires so we couldnt endorse them.

I think some of the Living Dead reside in Alabama. Sometimes even I wake up in the mornin with the zombie woof behind my eyes.

Clearly, this was written by someone from Pittsburgh, which is home of the Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Living Dead, Day of the Dead and all other Living Dead things. The living dead reside in Pittsburgh, not Charlotte.

Pittsburgh must be a deadly place to live.

Weve never had to recant our support for zombies because we always couch the editorials very carefully: On the question of the undead, on the other hand oh, wait, the other hand just dropped off ...

Wait uh minute, now. Are yall suggesting that zombies dont exist? And mocking it? I suppose next therell be no such thing as a gris-gris? And haints?

I may be from South Louisiana, but I aint stupid. I know how to keep the zombies off-in me. (Boil a black snake, dip out some of the juice, bury it in the backyard at midnight with your underwear and two dead chickens, and youll be safe from zombies. Guar-ron-teed.)

P.S. Besides, it isnt the zombies you have to worry about. Its the Ferengi who came back to Earth after Quark landed at Roswell in 1947. (Source: Little Green Men, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.)

You mean the Rules of Acquisition ARENT the guiding principles of American political life already?

One of our people asks if this phenomenon has anything to do with global warming. ...

After years of watching him campaign, Ive always thought Al Gore might be one of em.

Its an inconvenient truth that editorial writers know more about dealing with the undead than wed care to admit.

Thank you Wally Haas, Thank you for spreading the word. And for the rest of you that thought I was a complete wack-job... see, ol' Contagion does know a thing or two about the undead.

Hat Tip to loyal friend, and true believer, Littlejoe of the now defunct Little Joe's Soapbox for sending me the link. When the zombies come, you've definitely earned your seat on the survival bus.

Posted by Contagion at 08:27 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

March 21, 2007

There's no cure.

For a while now Ive been a very sick man. Im not alluding to my head cold that I mentioned in the below post. There have been some very serious issues with me, and they havent been getting any better. Slowly Ive been getting progressively worse.

Ive been trying to keep up a good face about it, but I think my friends and family have figured out something is wrong. As things have progressed theyve started to alienate me, or at least it feels that way. I see and hear less and less from them and theyve stopped inviting me out with them. Not to be all machismo about it, but I can handle that easily. What bothered me was not knowing what was wrong with me.

Finally, today, Ive been given a partial answer. They finally diagnosed my condition. I found much relief in that. Unfortunately, its incurable. There is absolutely nothing that can be done about it. I probably wont die, but I will suffer for the rest of my life with it. I guess Ill just have to learn to cope with it, as its also not treatable.

I have Chronic Lyricosis. There are two different versions of Lyricosis.

1) Singing so poorly that nobody can understand what youve sung; 2) Not knowing the actual lyrics, but singing anway. Usually type one causes type two in the listeners, therefore the condition is considered contagious.

The sad thing is that have I both versions, even if the second version is somewhat voluntary. Yes, I know the correct lyrics to Celin Dions My heart will go on is: Near far wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on. I always sing, Near, far alone or in a bar. I believe that beer tastes better. Sure the Carpenters wrote, Why do birds suddenly appear, everytime that you are near. But isnt it better Why do birds suddenly appear, everytime I drink beer? Of course Joe Crocker meant the lyric to be, Love lift us up where we belong. Where eagles cry, on a mountain high. And Im sure hed kick my arse for me changing it to, Love lift us up where we were wrong. Where the eagles die, way up in the sky but I just cant help it.

I prefer making up my own lyrics. They are a lot more fun to sing. Though in the fact that I cant hold a tune in a dump truck and often sing in a Scottish burr, does it really matter what lyrics I sing? I mean usually people are running away from my absolutely horrible singing voice. Many years ago Graus family, Wes Family and mine went camping. They had a karaoke contest. Although I know Im a bad singer, I was kind of hurt at the fact that they where honest to goodness surprised that I didnt win the worst singer award.

Well, at least I know why they dont invite to go karaoke anymore.

Oh, and as for the real health issues, uh they still dont know. Its pretty bad, oh and Ive gotten so used to coughing up stomach acid and bile all the time that Ive gotten accustomed to the taste and actually kind of enjoy it. Yea, I know.

Posted by Contagion at 05:25 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

March 08, 2007

We're through.

There are signs when a relationship is over. When a husband and wife no longer find themselves compatible with each other. The thought of spending any one on one time with their spouse is so painful; theyd rather do something like watch a 12-hour marathon of Walker, Texas Ranger. (I cant believe that show made it to syndication). We all know that not all relationships were meant to last forever. Even the ones we think are perfect sometimes fall apart. Its easy to know when this is happening when you can see the signs.

Of course there is the increased arguing. The snide comments and dirty looks can be a dead give away. Sometimes its the impatience with their partner or constantly irritated by the others actions. The decreasing use of pet names is a bad sign. Then there is the cessation of all affection. A lack of courtesy or inconsideration towards each other is a huge warning. The individual thinking more about themselves then their partner. Finally there are the more nefarious signs, such as plots to injure or hurt the spouse.

With a heavy heart I must say that Ktreva and I have fallen into this state of relationship. I had thought we had a good strong marriage only to find out that it isnt true. Maybe I missed all the other signs, but she sent a very strong one this week.

I asked her to pick me up a box of Frosted Mini-Wheats from the store. Do you know what that witch did? She got me ORGANIC Frosted Mini-Wheats.

If she still loved me she wouldnt try to turn me into a Hippy!

Posted by Contagion at 07:08 PM | Comments (10) | TrackBack

March 07, 2007

It's The Thing all over again.

I was minding my own business when I saw this headline: Scientist Study Earths Missing Crust. Uh, missing crust? What, did someone misplace it? Is it with all of my socks and the set of keys I lost 4 years ago? How does crust go missing?

It is part of a globe-spanning ridge of undersea volcanos, the kind of structure that forms when Atlantic tectonic plates separate and lava surges upward to fill the gap in the Earth's crust. But that apparently did not happen this time. Where there should be a four-mile-thick layer of crust, there is instead that much mantle the very dense, dark green rock that makes up the deep inner layer of the Earth.

Oh, okay so something went wrong in the geodynamics of the planet and instead of getting a lava scab it got a puss scab. I got it. (Well if you think about it, the analogy kind of works, gross, but works) Hmm, I wonder if they will blame this on global warming? Wait, wrong post. Anyway this doesnt bother me. I mean cmon we barely understand how the earth works and the fact that the site is three miles below the surface of the ocean doesnt mean anything. This could be a common occurrence for years, but we are just now discovering it because of our technological advances. This is what bothers me:

The 12-member expedition to take an unprecedented peek at Earth's mantle left the Canary Islands on Monday with a new high-tech vessel and a robotic device named Toby that will dig up rock samples at the site and film what it sees

The robotic device will land on the exposed mantle, deploy a drill, and dig into the rock to bring back samples.

WHAT?!?!?!?! If movies and Science Fiction has taught me anything its that you do not bring back funky samples from strange anomalies for study. If you do, some strange kind of microbial creature will start to take over humans, you will release a funky disease, there will be some kind of radiation that destroys humans or even worse turns them into zombies. (God, if we were only that lucky) This may even be a gateway to an extra dimension or hell. Their drilling into it could open it up!

These scientists are being reckless in their endangerment of life on this planet. What secrets have been locked away in that undersea prison for millennia that they are going to set free? Heed my warning people; this could bring about the end of the world, as we know it.

Posted by Contagion at 08:32 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

March 05, 2007

Take back the hour!

Theresa of Technicalities talks about the lack of foresight by our elected leaders when they altered Daylight Savings Time. I agree with her, why fix whats not broke. Unless you want to break something so that people can spend money to fix what they broke. Yea, that was a confusing sentence. Me, I have a simple solution.

Today at work I announced that I no longer recognize nor observe Daylight Savings time. This year I will not change my watch, reset any clocks or anything. I am officially on Contagion doesnt give a flying rats arse time. That means that if they do not show up by 7:00 AM CST (Contagion Standard Time) they will be counted as late. If they leave after 3:30 PM CST they will not get paid for hours worked outside of standard business hours.

I explained to all of my peers and managers that if they do not comply with my time, then they will be violating my diversity and insensitive to my personal beliefs. I will be offended by their lack of diversity and understanding. The work hours will rotate around my scientific and logical belief that politicians cannot dictate the time. Sure they can tell you they are going to change it, but if you think about it, they really are not. They arent changing the time; they are just telling you that the time is different. If they told you that between March and November that grass is actually orange, and everyone says it is orange its not really orange!

Well dammit! Im taking a stand! Ive turned off all the daylight savings time features on my electronics and am set to make my stand. It is currently 7:30 PM in exactly 168 hours it will still be 7:30 PM not 8:30PM that Congress wants you to believe it will be.

So dont buy into the conspiracy to take away our time! Take back your watches, your clocks and your hour of sleep!

Now if youll excuse me, Im going to go replace my tinfoil beanie. Ive seemed to torn mine in the rant.

Yes, the above is a joke... all though I did actually tell my employees and my employer that I no longer recognize daylight savings time. I'm waiting to see what they do.

Posted by Contagion at 07:26 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

February 24, 2007

I fold.

This is for the geeks and the terminally curious types out there. Ever wonder how good your IP address is? Im not talking about in the usual way, but in that just plain how cool is it kind of way. And in that phrase when I say cool, I mean how geeky am I that I actually wanted to check this out. . Well if you do, here is a website for you. Here is the bitmap of my IP address:

Your IP address as a bitmap

Personally I like how it breaks down your IP address into a poker hand.

Posted by Contagion at 07:31 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

February 03, 2007

I just can't get away from work!

Over at I Hate My Cubicle(NSFW) they had this picture:

work.jpg

Okay Ill admit its pretty cool, and that its neat to see all these companies pulling together to support the local team. HOWEVER, in this picture is the company I work for. If you look real close, you may even be able to see me in one of the windows. And that just took the cool factor right out of the picture.

Posted by Contagion at 09:35 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

November 27, 2006

It's amazing I'm married.

For dinner tonight we had left over Chinese food. Clone loves him some fried rice. The problem is that he loves it so much it gets everywhere. As anyone with children knows, you cant just pick up rice off the floor. You need to vacuum it up. Of course, even though its messier, it is easier if the rice dries before you attempt to vacuum it. Ktreva just wanted to clean up the mess so she pulled out the vacuum and started cleaning.

Guys, this is why I dont hire a housekeeper. Why pay for one, when the wife will do it on her own?

Anyway, she was vacuuming away when all of a sudden the power brush started making a funny nose and started to smell funny. Ktreva turns off the power to the brush, (but not the vacuum) and is looking at the brush. When I ask her whats going on, she tells me she thinks there is something wrapped around the brush roller. It took me three times of telling her to turn off the vacuum before she actually listened and did it. I try to get it from her to check it out, and she insists she can fix it. She is telling me this as she is yanking on the some hair wrapped around the brush roller.

Finally I convince her to let me take a look at it. Not that it wasnt amusing to watch her try to unroll hair from it one strand at a time, I just didnt want her to hurt herself or the vacuum. I open up the power brush and remove the brush roller. There is a lot of long, fine; blonde hair wrapped around one of the ends where the bearings are. After looking at the brush, it appears that her hair had wrapped in between bearings and the attachment bracket. The friction had caused it to melt into a clumpy mess. I also noticed that the roller brush is not rotating like it should on the bearings. As I free it from the case the whole bearing assembly explodes sending tiny ball bearings all over the place. (Thankfully I was in my workshop).

I come upstairs and I say, Its broken, I cant fix it. Mostly I was talking to myself out loud. Ktreva hears me and yells from the living room, Great, we have to buy a new vacuum. To which I respond, What? No, I can repair it. She snipes back with, You just said it was broken and you cant fix it. Me, Well yea, the roller brush is broke, I cant fix it. I can repair the vacuum. Ill just need to order a new roller brush. She comes back with, If you can repair it, then you can fix it. Me, Yes, I can fix the vacuum, but the brush roller is FUBAR. I cant do squat with it. Her, Then it cant be fixed? Me, What? No! I can fix the vacuum; Ill have to order a new roller brush to do it. Dammit woman, listen to me when I speak. The vacuum can be fixed; the roller brush is broken beyond my ability to fix it. Its just a part. I can buy a replacement one. Damn women not knowing a thing about fixing stuff.

Im just hoping the swelling from where she hit me with a pan goes down before tomorrow.

Posted by Contagion at 07:15 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

October 06, 2006

Contagion-X

I've figured it out!

Okay, just follow my madness for a second. My stomach is producing more concentrated stomach acid then the average human. It's also producing it in 4 times the quantities. Then they found some kind of tissue that goes from inside my stomach out into the esophagus.

I'm mutating! My wife has been skeeved out by the fact that with a simple contraction of some muscles in my mouth I can squeeze my salivary glands and cause them to shoot saliva out like a squirt gun. What's happening to me is just the next step! The tissue is actually tubes growing from my stomach up into my mouth. I'm going to be able to spit concentrated acid on people that piss me off and dissolve them! I'm the next step in human evolution. Or if you read comics, I'm going to be a super villain. (I have to be a villain, A) good guys don't dissolve people in acid. B) I'm me!)

We'll just have to wait and see. I just need to come up with a cool super-villain name. Something like Disolvitron or something.

In all seriousness, why am I not surprised that more people thought the fact that I could start spitting stomach acid up with out control was cool then were concerned about the strange tissue that has doctors stumped.

Posted by Contagion at 04:06 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

August 11, 2006

Stupid plants!

I really hate mowing the lawn. The last time I mowed was July 24th. I just finished returning my yard back to a lawn and not a natural prairie state. It only took an hour and a half with 6 yard bags. (If I did it weekly I can get it into 2.5 bags.) What makes it worse is that just as I finished mowing I received a ticket from the Department of Natural Resources for destroying a prairie restoration area.

I’m going to go have a drink now.

Posted by Contagion at 04:45 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

June 23, 2006

Maybe life is fair.

Here’s another example of how life balances things out naturally.

Ktreva:
-Going out drinking with some friends, she can have a good time on $20.00
-Getting her hair done. $100.00.
-Total: $120.00.

Contagion:
-Going out drinking with some friends: Approximately $100.00
(Before you ask, no that’s not at a strip club!)
-Getting my hair cut. $15.00
-Total: $115.00

Close enough in my books. I say that’s pretty fair. Right guys?!?!

Posted by Contagion at 06:37 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

June 17, 2006

Yea, that's about right.

I remember being younger and watching movies. The lead characters always had these hot girlfriends or would win the heart of the beauty they desire after. As I got older I was never able to figure out why I couldn’t do the same…(that is until I met my wife and then I was happy and never had any desires to even LOOK at another women because she’s perfect in every way.) In fact when I was younger I had a hard time keeping a relationship with a female over 3 months.

Now I know why. Here is a list of The 7 Best 80’s Movie Girlfriends. What’s great is if you read about each one, the break down why they had a crush on her, the character’s negatives and “How she was detrimental to our sexual development.

mia_sara.jpg

Personally, I always had a thing for Sloane (Mia Sara) from Ferris Bueller’s Day off. She always made me happy in my special place.

Posted by Contagion at 06:58 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 08, 2006

Lawn 1, Contagion 0

As many of you may recall, I hate yard work. Let me rephrase that because hate is not a strong enough word. I view yard work as a vile punishment set forth by society for transgressions committed and forth coming. I’d rather clean raw sewage out of my basement then yard work. Trust me, I’ve done both. There’s just something about working with plants that makes me want to pave my property and cover it in Astroturf.

That being said, I had to mow the lawn tonight. Some people might say that mowing the lawn should be soothing because it’s like decapitation a million plants. You’re wrong! It’s like giving a million haircuts to the enemy! The damn grass (read weeds) just grows back. The last time I mowed my lawn was two weeks ago tonight. It’s not that I hate doing it as to why it took me so long to mow again; I had a re-enactment and then a trip to Chicago in there. Tonight was the first free night I was able to fire up ye ol’ Flowbee for grass.

With all the much-needed rain we had over the last two weeks, my grass had once again grown to lengths that almost warranted it to be declared a prairie restoration area. I knew I was in trouble when after the first five minutes not only did I cause a stampede of North American Bison (AKA Buffalo), but the bagger on the mower was filled to bursting. People that have seen my house know I don’t have a huge yard (for a reason). That should give you an idea of how long the grass was. I kid you not; I found the remains of a deer in my back yard that had been eaten by coyotes! The grass was almost to my knees in length!

Thirty minutes later, and four yard bags, I finished the front yard and went inside to eat dinner before starting on the back yard. My body required some nourishment in order to keep up the work. Really, it had nothing to do with my mile wide lazy streak and extreme disdain for the task at hand! Boopie, in order to fully understand his new manhood status was forced out into the yard to help. He picked up trash and sticks between fighting off a roaming tribe of plains people that had set up camp back by the once sandbox. It once was a sandbox, now it was a sandy oasis in which the plains people made fires and dried meat from the recently hunted buffalo.

It only took an additional hour to finish the back yard. The plains people revolted against the oppressors trying to take their land. Boopie and I were forced to abandon the lawn Flowbee for rifle and musket to fend off the attack. When we rescued the mower, I needed to unclog all the clippings wedged between the blade, side of the mower and the bag. Apparently you really can over fill the bags on those things. The clippings become so packed in there it’s like trying to dig out cement. I kid you not; I was chipping away at the compacted clippings with a screwdriver trying to get them to come free.

But the job is done. The yard looks… not unkempt. I’m thinking maybe I should hire someone to do this task for me. Especially since Ktreva came out afterwards and gave me a list of other yard work she wants done. Trimming trees and bushes, digging up flowerbeds, removing small trees that started growing in odd places.

I like the rain; I know the farmers need it to make a living. But damn, I didn’t have as much work to do last year in the middle of the drought!

Posted by Contagion at 07:10 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

March 15, 2006

The wolf's view.

Yet another case of someone spreading lies and making false statements about his fellow bloggers. The only comments I can blatently call bullshite on are the ones regarding me liking to hug. The rest appear to be true. The Laughing Wolf finally posted his take on Wolf Fest, about a month late.

Why can't other bloggers be more like me, I never make up tales about other bloggers. Everything I post is the absolute truth!

Posted by Contagion at 05:31 AM | Comments (8) | TrackBack

March 11, 2006

Kitty Vs Cat!

Someone told me there was an on going battle between cats going on last night. When they described it, I thought they where talking about cat fighting. This morning (after relieving a hangover) I went to check out KittenWar. Needless to say I was dismayed that you are just voting on the cutest kitten.

I think kitty death matches would have been more entertaining.

Posted by Contagion at 12:30 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

March 05, 2006

Guilt

Welll, I fell bad. I have, er had, 6 Murphy's Pint size IRish Stouts, and 8 Guinness Draught cans today that realy needed to be drank. I'm helping Ogre celecbrate teh month of sain't Patricks. Unfortunately my normale drinking buddies where preoccupied, thus I had to drink them myself. That is where the guilt comes in. Is it selfish of me to drink alll this good beer myself if theyh don't bother checking to see if I need help, or is it selfish of me not to inform them that I have the free beer and drink it all myself?!?

Either way its gone, and I'm feeling.. er, uh, mellow. My wife, Ktreva, is already yellng at me about not taking care fo the boys. I tried to tell her to shut her sas mouth, but that only recieved a whack across the back of my head with a frying pan. Thank god, for all those times lil'Joe used to hit me with a baseball bat. Due to that, I was able to shurg it off.

Posted by Contagion at 06:00 PM | Comments (8) | TrackBack

February 15, 2006

It's not as creepy as it sounds.

It seems everyone is doing the Frappr maps by Google. Since I’m nothing more then a glorified sheople in the blogosphere, I figured I should have one to. Don’t worry, it has nothing to do with stalking, it’s just part of my morbidly unhealthy addiction to information.

If you would be so kind as to humor me and sign my map, I would appreciate it.

It’s all for fun, and maybe for vacation planning in the future. Since I like to travel all over hell and back, it would be nice to know if there are any bloggers, I might be able to visit on my journeys.

Update: I did something wrong orriginally and had to correct it. If you signed once, I would appreciate if you could resign the new map. Thanks, and sorry for the inconvienance.

Posted by Contagion at 04:08 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

December 23, 2005

Historical event?

Well hell, in all the excitement and business that is work I forgot an event. Knowing how much one of my blog fathers puts stock into things like this, I decided it’s better late then never. Harvey of Bad Example noticed last week “(I) had over 10,000 people visit this crappy blog.” He is so kind and nurturing. After putting up with his crap about that, I decided I better at least put a blurb up about this event.

Two days ago, 12/21/05, was my one-year blogiversary. Not one year from when I was discovered and outed by Tammi of then Road Warrior Survival (Now Tammi's World), but one year from when I decided it was time for me to start a blog. When I decided to start blogging, I thought it would be fun to see who actually tracks their hits. Thus, I didn’t tell anyone that I started a blog. It wasn’t until March 3 that it was stumbled upon and I was outed. Now, that necessarily wasn’t a bad thing, I didn’t post much in the early days, I was having trouble adapting to actually writing things for the world to read, I’m shy and I had to get past that. If you want to see it, here is my first crappy post on Blogger. Contrary to Harvey's oppinion, I did not get any better.

Therefore, in honor of my blogiversary, I’ve prepared a short speech.

One year and 2 days ago, I brought forth in this blogosphere, a new blog, conceived on boredom, peer pressure and a proposition that all men’s BS is equal.

Now I am engaged in a great civil war, testing whether a blog, or any blog so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of the blogosphere as a place for others, who are more talented, can come and see the words of a lesser man. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate – we can not consecrate – we can not hallow – this html. The brave bloggers, active and in-active, who have struggled to maintain blogs, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what I post here, but it can never forget what bloggers have done! It is for the bloggers, rather, that I dedicate this post, to the great task remaining before them – that from these honored posts we take increased devotion to that course for which they post the last full measure of devotion – that we here highly resolve that these bloggers shall not have posted in vain – that this blogosphere, with out UN control, shall have a new birth of freedom – and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish them from the earth.


Yes, Lincoln is spinning like a top in his grave.

Posted by Contagion at 02:09 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

December 20, 2005

Man Card, Revoked.

Johnny-Oh is questioning my man status. In this post about gift giving he left the following comment:

”I think I just learned one of the keys to your psyche "I’ve been thinking about why that is since November when I started doing this years.” Dude, you've gotta turn in your "Man Card" for that offense. I would think that it was from the "Heap-Big" brainwashing you'd received from those nice ladies, but this happened BEFORE your visit with them.
(Sigh) This is how Metrosexuals are born you know.”

To which I responded:
”Johnny-oh.. what part of that bothers you? I started shopping in November so I could avoid going the mall/stores during the busy time, thus not body checking an old lady and ending up in jail or the fact that I actually dwelled on that though for that long?”

He found this excuse completely unacceptable. So he’s docked me 100 man points. Then he accused me of becoming a metrosexual. It is with my profound sadness that I must admit to Johnny-Oh, that I am indeed a metrosexual. This is not the first time I’ve been called out on it. Graumagus even made special effort to call me out on it in his Retrosexual Code:
”A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old (Yes, Contagion, I'm lookin' at you)”

Some of you right now are probably staring at your computers in shock yelling loud enough to scare the neighbors, “NO CONTAGION, SAY IT AIN’T SO!” (Apparently when you get upset you use improper grammar). I’m sorry to let you all in on this little secret. If you check my bathroom I have product for my hair, special lotions for when I shave, colognes, etc. My closet is filled with trendy clothes and I’ve even gone to beauty parlors to have my hair cut. I’ve even ordered an alcoholic beverage just to be trendy.

But none of that is why I started my Christmas shopping early. Remember I’m shy, well if you don’t want to believe that because you’ve heard lies from other people, then believe this. I have an overpowering hatred of groups of people I don’t know. It’s like a mix of agoraphobia and xenophobia.

When I’m in a crowded place like the mall, or stores what little tact and self-control I have flies out the window. This turns me into a big, angry, walking bulldozer. I become the arsehole that just plows through crowds. When my wife is with me she knows just to get in behind me and follow closely. I’m like a fullback plowing through the defensive line, and she’s the halfback. All she needs to do is run through the hole I’ve made. What she finds amusing is that most times I don’t have to touch people, the look on my face makes them cringe or jump out of my way.

A couple of years ago my wife and I went to the mall to do some last minute Christmas shopping. I lasted about 10 minutes before my anxiety went into overdrive and I had to leave the building. We got what we needed and started our way to the parking lot. I like the parking lot, I don’t care if I have to park 10 miles away, it’s not crowded with people. The mall was packed with people, there was barely room to move, my brain shut down and screamed, “GET OUT NOW!!!!” The look was firmly set into my face, but most people had their backs to me. I just started pushing my way through the crowd.

My speed kept gathering and my wife was almost running to keep up with me. This poor little old lady, had to be in her 80’s at least, stepped into my way. My wife swears that I lowered a shoulder and body checked her into the crowd. I don’t remember doing it, but I do recall the poor old lady going spinning off into the crowd like Darth Vader’s fighter into space at the end of Star Wars. By the time we got the parking lot my firsts where firmly clinched and white, it looked like there was no blood in my hands. I don’t know what I would have done if I had been in their any longer.

Now, since I have a family and really don’t want to go to jail, I do my Christmas shopping early. Afterwards I go to the spa and have a full facial and chemical peel to rejuvenate my skin. I’d turn in my man card, but I lost that years ago when I got married. That’s when my wife threw out all of my flannels, tossed my girlie mags, and made me go shopping with her.

Sorry to have let you down Johnny-oh.

Posted by Contagion at 06:30 PM | Comments (10) | TrackBack

December 16, 2005

Degrading to women.

Last night Shadoglare stopped by to say hi and to pick up an old computer I had. Out of the kindness of his heart, he is building a computer for his Sister and nephew. Since it was such a noble cause, I thought it would be the nice thing to do by donating this old one I had.

He stuck around for a while chatting. We debated the evils of firearms, alcohol and strip clubs (including places like hooters). I tried to explain to him that firearms are dangerous and should be outlawed, even having them in house a child could get their hands on one and hurt themselves or others. No matter what I said, I could not get him to accept that alcohol is the root of all evil, that it is a cancer that creates problems in society. The drinking of alcohol should be illegal as people aren’t smart enough to stop drinking on their own. Strip clubs are degrading to women, just having them in town is inviting all kinds of moral depravity and the subjugation of women. When I explained I was quitting re-enacting because it was cruel and an unethical treatment of animals, Ktreva had a conniption fit.

Shadoglare refused to accept what I was saying. It was then that I was forced to ask him to leave. I could not have his lack of morals and ethics corrupting my family. After he left I sat down to play some football on my Xbox. As I was sitting there, I realized how barbaric football is and decided that I should not watch it anymore. Grown men slamming into each other, they could get hurt. Football is nothing more then a modern day gladiator fight that should be outlawed. It was then that I decided I was never going to watch football again.

I went into my office and started taking all of my Green Bay Packer memorabilia off the walls. Ktreva shouted out, “That’s it, I’ve had enough” and stormed upstairs. When I finished getting everything down, I went to the basement to find some boxes to store the items. When I came back upstairs, Ktreva was standing in the living room wearing a cheerleader outfit, holding a large glass of Jack Daniels and swinging suggestively around my Brown Bess Musket.

I was shocked!

Walking into the living room, I say to my wife, “My love, you should not degrade yourself in this manner. You should respect yourself and your body as a woman. Alcohol is a cancer on society, you shouldn’t be drinking. And that is a gun you have there. Even if it is obviously unloaded and there is no flint in the hammer, you could hurt yourself…”

Then I heard what I had just said.

That didn’t make sense. My brain started arguing with itself, logic and fact versus what I had been saying. With out thinking I grabbed the glass of Jack Daniels and swallowed it in one quick gulp. It had an effect on me like spinach to Popeye. Strength and warmth spread through my veins. My head started to clear. “How could a gun be dangerous if it’s obviously unloaded? There is no powder in the pan and the flint is missing so even if it was loaded, there was no way for it to ignite.” Looking up to say something to Ktreva, I saw her sitting there in a cheerleader outfit looking at me coyly. I grabbed her and pulled her upstairs. Then I proceeded to exert my male dominance over her again and again and again…. and again.

After I was finished I went, back downstairs and starting putting my football stuff up on the walls. I read back through the drivel I had been posting and I realized; the damn sensitivity class took a hold of me for two whole days this time. If it takes at all, it’s usually just for an hour or two. I think my resistance is starting to wear down. I need to work on that.

Well it’s been a week since I’ve made someone cry, so today at work I’ll go fishing for someone to make cry. Also, there are some new employees and one of them is a hippy. I think I’m going to go do some corrective atmosphere control on them with some soap and water.

Damn Hippies!

Posted by Contagion at 12:28 PM | Comments (8) | TrackBack

December 15, 2005

What a nice day!

Good afternoon my good people, it warms my heart that you have taken the time to stop by and visit with me again today. I can see from some of your comments on a recent post, there is some concern for my well-being. Let me lay aside your concerns now, there is nothing conceivably wrong with me. However, I have taken some offense to terms used in my comments.

First off, my companions were not hippies. Both of them were well-groomed and clean individuals. There is no way a hippy would have worn the clothes nor carried the handbags these two had.

Secondly, I think we should refrain from using the term hippie. It symbolizes a turbulent time in history. Instead, I feel that these individuals should be referred to as the hygienically challenged.

Next, people where insinuating that I was drugged and/or under the influence of alcohol. Let me assure you that no mind altering substances where inducted into my system. In fact, I’ve decided that I’m going to cut back drastically on my drinking. I’d say quit, but I just don’t know if I could go cold turkey right now.

I’ve been discussing with Ktreva giving up re-enacting. Since it not only promotes the senseless murder of animals, the use of firearms AND subjugates women to subservient roles, I feel this is a harmful environment in which to raise my children. After the beginning of the year, I’m going to sell off all my equipment. There are plenty of re-enactors our there that would be willing to pay bottom dollar for my stuff.

I’m also going to take my firearms to be melted down. It was wrong of me to purchase that pistol recently. Ktreva was against it from the beginning and I decided to but it anyway. It was wrong of me to go against her wishes. It was also wrong of me to endanger my family by bringing firearms into the house.

The embarrassment over how blind I’ve been could just make me weep. Thankfully, the persons I’ve been talking with the last three days have enlightened me. Now I have a chance to mend my ways before it’s too late.

Thank you all for stopping by!
<HUGZ>

Posted by Contagion at 03:55 PM | Comments (14) | TrackBack

December 14, 2005

Good evening gentle-people.

Hello! Did you miss me? Of course you did! I don’t know why I even asked as you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t miss me. As some of you may have remembered I was away at sensitivity class for the last two days. Golly gee that was fun. Not only was I able to see the errors of my ways, I also made some new friends. One of them is the president her local chapter of PETA. We spent a lot of quality time talking to one another over the last two days. I also was able to spend a lot of time with a nice anti-gun Chicago Democrat. I sure learned a lot from her as well. Why? Well I was sitting between the two of them.

It sure was nice getting to know them. Before you ask, no they where not what I would consider physically attractive, but the both were beautiful individuals in their own way. My life has been greatly improved by sharing time with the both of them AND learning from our discussions. They made some very interesting and valid points that have changed the way I view the world.

Since I just got back, I’m pretty tired and I want to spend some time with the boys. I’ll type up the rest tomorrow.

Oh, and before I forget. Thank you. Thank you all for stopping by and taking time out of your busy days just to visit me. I appreciate your kindness.

Posted by Contagion at 07:02 PM | Comments (18) | TrackBack

December 05, 2005

It's a heat wave.

What a beautiful day! It’s a balmy 11 degrees outside right now, when I left for work this morning it was a steamy 5! It’s not supposed to get to the 30’s until Sunday. For the next five days, we are supposed to have highs in the mid teens and lows that are single digits. This cold weather is just what we needed! There has been snow on the ground for 5 days straight, which is unusually for Illinois in December. Now if it will only stay around until after Christmas!

I sure wish all my southern readers were able to be up here and enjoy this wonderful weather with me. You just don’t know what you are missing!

Posted by Contagion at 12:57 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

December 01, 2005

Excuses.

From various comments and e-mails, I’ve received from people. There is some confusion as to my post regarding the pending blogmeet. Just for clarification, I would like to post some simple facts:

A)I am not the one putting on, hosting nor organizing this event. That would be the social butterflies that are T1G and Tammi. Remember people, I am shy. There is no way in hell I would host or organize anything like this. Any questions or concerns should be directed toward them, not I. As my typical answer will be, “I don’t know, talk to T1G or Tammi.”

2) My summons was just a list of bloggers that I have been reading for a while and would like to meet, that I have not met before. It was not an exclusive list of who is invited or not invited. My understanding from reading T1G’s original post, it is open to whoever wants to come. If I have met you in the past, I purposely did not single you out for summoning! I figure having dealt with me once in person is enough punishment for a lifetime.

D) Various people where left off my list, mainly because I have not met many of the bloggers out there, and I could have had a list that looked like, well my sidebar. I chose based on bloggers I have read for a while and have been commenting on their blogs as well as been receiving comments from them for a while now.

5) If I’ve been reading your blog and commenting a lot of late and you weren’t listed, I’m sorry… well not really. There was probably some underlying reason such as, I don’t have a good rapport with you yet, you seem anti-social, you come across as stuck-up or I just plain forgot. You choose which excuse you would like. I gaurentee if you ask me, it’ll be one of those.

As for those of you that where summoned, I expect you to show up and be happy. It is not optional!

Posted by Contagion at 12:43 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

November 23, 2005

Talk about unwanted!

The other night I was talking with my wife about life and blogging. Out of the blue, she observed something that I had to double check. Lo and behold, she was correct.

My so-called loving blog parents painfully neglect me.

First you have Graumagus, whom is sleep deprived, working some hellacious work hours and doesn’t make regular posts on his blog anymore. I could cut the guy some slack, but he’s even taken to not responding to e-mails or even checking on me. When he does come around, he does it when I’m sleeping or at work just to make sure I’m keeping up with things, but nary a comment.

Then there is Bouddicca, who is the Queen of Hurricanes and sick kids. She can find time to volunteer to be a den mother, treasurer for the school and visit everyone and their mother (except me). I don’t even know if she stops by anymore and there hasn’t been a comment from her in a coon’s age! Isn’t a blog-mother supposed to be nurturing and supportive? I see her at her other blog children’s sites spouting off love, just not here. Maybe the circumstances of my blog conception where just too traumatic for her to deal with.

Finally, there is Harvey, who is the social butterfly and the patriarch of half the blogosphere it seems. If he isn’t busy creating his own blog children he’s kidnapping others and adopting them as his own. At least he keeps up appearances and stops by ever 3-4 days to drop off court-mandated comments, so I know he’s still around. I accept I’m not his favorite, but does he really have to keep trying to deny my existence?

They really are emphasizing the unwanted part of “The unwanted stump in the family tree”.

However, I would still like to show my appreciation to my blog parents for inspiring me (or in one of their cases, brow beat) into creating this blog. Seeing as tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I would like to give thanks to the three of them. Even if BCFS (Bloggers Child and Family Services) is going to come and take me away due to neglect.

Posted by Contagion at 06:02 PM | Comments (8) | TrackBack

November 21, 2005

Acceptance of a problem.

Some of you may have noticed I’ve been behaving strangely of late. The time has come for me to share something with you. In order to help fix the problem, I must admit my problem. Well, that is what everyone keeps telling me. This is hard for me to do; even typing this much has been difficult.

I am a substance abuser, and I’m not talking alcohol. It started a couple of months ago, I was having a problem and a friend of mine gave me something that he said would make it go away. Sure enough as soon as I took it, my problem seemed to melt away. All was right with the world. I had never used before, and never thought that I would, but it only took that one time to get me hooked.

From that day forward, I found myself turning more and more to it. It started at once a day at home. Then I went to twice a day, once during my lunch period and once after I got home. Now I’m up to 6 times a day, it doesn’t matter if I’m at home, work or the store. When the need arises, I drop it. That familiar feeling spreads across my head and down my body.

I became so dependant on it that I would get upset when I couldn’t score the kind I liked, but I was so desperate that I would try other kinds. It always seemed that the dealer may not have my particular favored kind, but they always had others. The others worked, but not as well. They just weren’t satisfying. Thus, the next chance I had, I bought a huge quantity. I think it was meant for distribution, but I didn’t care. There was no way I was going to risk running out of my kind, my particular flavor.

Even after my wife found my stash, I lived in denial. “It’s not that I need it, I just enjoy it”, I screamed at her the night she found it. How I lied that night, I needed it, I desired it, and I craved it. Like a moth to the flame, I could not stay away.

Then something happened that changed all of that. Clone got his hands on some and took it. To watch his reaction at first was amusing. He was dancing and jumping yelling, “I like it, dada. I like it!” But I could tell he was lying, he was just trying to be like dad. Then the crying started, his little body could not handle the potency. It was hurting my boy, and I knew it was bad. My boy should not have to go through something like that, so I’m trying to fix myself. I’m also warning you my fellow bloggers, my readers, my friends.

No matter how bad your breath gets, stay away from the Listerine Pocketpaks, they're addicting.

Posted by Contagion at 05:00 PM | Comments (9) | TrackBack

October 06, 2005

Operation floracide

Some of you may remember what happened the last time I mowed my lawn. That’s right; I haven’t mowed it since. Now before you go getting all indignant on me remember we are still in our “extreme” (oh yeah!) drought here. I will admit the grass has needed cutting for about two weeks now.

The problem is that we seem to be coming out of our drought as we are getting more and more rain. Which is good, but it’s too late for the crops. Unfortunately, this has had a negative impact in my yard. The first being that the grass (read weeds) has started growing rather rapidly. Secondly, every time I went to mow it would rain on me. I’m not giving up football/re-enacting/shooting just to mow my lawn.

Last night it was perfect time finally to mow the lawn. It was a little warm, in the 80’s, but they weren’t calling for rain until much later. However, I decided that the mild-mannered Contagion was not going to be the one to mow the lawn. Not this time, this time we were going to call forth that seasoned veteran of many a household campaign, General Contagion. You may remember him from the press conference after his overwhelming victory against the invading insect armies.

General Contagion first reconnoitered the battlefield to determine the best attack. He came up with a variation of Agent Orange, but that was vetoed by the Queen (Ktreva, we live in a dictatorship in the Contagion household, just ask the kids). She had some worries that in his fervor General Contagion would “accidentally” kill off her precious flowers and plants she has around the house. (For the record General Contagion made this comment, “They’re going to die in a couple of weeks anyway!”).

After surveying the weapons at his disposal, he came up with a plan to purchase some larger mobile artillery to get the job done, preferably something self-propelled with twin blades and a seat. However, due to recent budget cuts, he could not afford to make the purchase. General Contagion was then reduced to his third option. An old-fashioned foot war, the kind that he had not experienced since the Battle of Blackhawk Springs the winter of ’88. It was his first command opportunity and a suicide plan, many a soldier was lost due to inadequate planning by superiors and a lack of equipment. General Contagion hoped this would not be a repeat of that tragic month long battle.

Checking out the equipment at hand, the general was pleased to see that all of it was in a well-maintained and fighting condition. First, the general started with some black ops. Again, his hatred of the UN and Geneva Convention prevailed when he found a supply of bio-chemical toxins (Roundup) left over from a battle the previous year. While the Queen was occupied with her subjects (aka the kids), a massive chemical strike was made against the enemy troops in the hard to reach area’s. We do regret to inform that in the General’s bloodlust some innocent flowers were “accidentally” eradicated.

Next General Contagion brought forth his armored division attack the front lines. It was a tough battle, taking its toll on both sides. The General, understanding the enemy’s troops out numbered him at about 93,487,529,865 to 1, attacked with an aggressive abandon that is only seen from Hollywood these days. The toll on his resources was more then what was anticipated. Three large body lawn bags were needed just for the smaller front yard. In part, this was due to the enemy’s use of mercenary soldiers. The discovery of Zea Mays of the Poaceae family (field corn, I’m not kidding there was corn growing in my yard!) amongst the enemy.

Once the smaller battlefield was cleared of enemy troops, the General focused his attention on the larger battlefield. Here the enemy troops were larger and stronger. They also had their own artillery (More small trees… WTF is with these trees? They are all over my lawn!)

Stopping for a quick resupplying and maintenance of his mobile artillery General Contagion was prepared to proceed as planned. Setting the throttle to full, General Contagion started a blitzkrieg. Except for a surprise flanking attack by some heavy artillery, the battle went smoothly. (Dang trees and shrubs along the property line kept poking and scratching me. Also, Clone left a super ball in the yard. Have you ever seen what happens when one of those things is introduced to the spinning blades of a lawn mower? Let me just say I’m damn glad the bag was mostly filled with grass clippings when I hit the ball!) After 45 minutes of action, only stopping to dispose of the remains, General Contagion walked away victorious.

At the following press conference, the General had this to say, “Today the ever victorious army once again marched upon the enemy successfully. There were no reported losses to our forces and only some minor injuries. Enemy forces were completely and utterly annihilated. There is at least one civilian enemy loss that we are aware of at this time. It was a matter of that civilian being in the wrong place. I do not regret any decision made in fighting this war.”

When confronted with the use of biochemical toxins early on in the war, General Contagion responded with, “I decided that the use of (biochemical toxins) was the most efficient weapon in the locations that were difficult to reach with out a significant risk to the safety of our own troops. It was made clear to me that the use of biochemical toxins was discouraged. At the time the original decision was made we did not know all the facts. If the tree-hugging enviro-hippies are worried about the damage done to the environment with the use of these weapons, then next time they can come and do the dirty work themselves… It’s not like they bathe anyway!”

Posted by Contagion at 07:10 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

September 13, 2005

Dipping into Savings.

Shortly after I bought my truck gas prices really started taking a leap up. I didn't think anything about this as gas had been continually rising over the last couple of years. Right before Katrina hit I filled her up with gas one last time and haven't driven her as much as due to the high gas prices. Sure enough I stopped driving and the prices are now dropping. Maybe it's all my joy riding around in my truck that is causing the gas shortage and price hikes.

Well tomorrow I have to go fill her up. I've got about 1/8th of a tank left. Gas is down to $2.81 a gallon. This should only cost me around $100.00. I'm not complaining, I feel that it is my right to drive that truck around burning off fossil fuels just to make up for the annoyance of having to hear hippies whine about it.

Posted by Contagion at 04:48 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 12, 2005

Golden Rod...

...a color or title of a Pr0n movie?

Posted by Contagion at 04:47 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

August 17, 2005

Pregnant and Sexy?

While trying to get caught up from vacation on all of my blogging, I found this brief post about Victoria’s Secret not having maternity items over at Margi Lowry Dot Com. The first thing I thought was, "Why would they want to do that? It would be a waste of time." Pregnant women just are not sexy. I’m not saying they aren’t beautiful, because I find many pregnant women to be very beautiful, they just aren’t sexy.

Maybe I’m digging myself into a hole, but let me explain myself. I am now and always have been a very sexual guy; my wife often refers to me as a “Horn Dog”. Since we’ve been together, a day hasn’t gone by that I haven’t propositioned or touched my wife in a sexual way… except when she was pregnant. While pregnant, I felt my wife was the most beautiful women in the world. No other women in the history of the world compared to my wife. Sorry ladies. Yet I had no desire to have sex with her.

It wasn’t just in the last months; it was as soon as she was pregnant. It’s not just her, it’s any pregnant woman. Over the years, I have met many women. Before they were pregnant, they could be or do something I found sexy. As soon as they were with child, I found nothing about them arousing. Even super models and actresses that really work for me, loose their sex appeal as soon as they are impregnated.

Some of you will say this is just me, and you would be wrong. I’ve talked to many guys and a couple of lesbians, and most of the ones I’ve talked to agree with me. They just won’t admit it to a woman. Don’t lie, you know who you are. During Clone’s pregnancy, I tried to figure out why this occurs. I came up with two possible reasons.

The less likely of the two (in my opinion) is that it is a natural response to want to recreate procreate. There may be some kind of primal instinct in men that make pregnant women less sexually desirable. If a man is looking to mate with a woman, he is not going to want to waste his seed on a pregnant woman. The woman is already pregnant; he will need to go sow his seed elsewhere to produce an offspring.

I think it has more to do with pregnamones. What is a pregnamone you ask? Pregnamones are a hormone produced by pregnant females. This powerful hormone has many different side effects on both men and women. The most noticeable of its side effects is on younger women. When a pregnant woman gets around younger women, who are not pregnant, pregnamones will cause a desire to have children in the non-pregnant women. Some of you are calling bullshite on me right now. After working in an office with a majority of women, I have seen this in action numerous times.

There is always someone pregnant here. Shortly before one of the women here is about to give birth, at least one other announces they are pregnant. Before Clone, whenever one of my friend’s pregnant wives or a pregnant co-worker was around Ktreva, she would start talking about having kids. Then when she was pregnant, I could watch her get around other women and see the glint in their eyes about wanting to have kids of their own. Many a male friend of mine was annoyed by this. Especially one in general whose wife up to that point vehemently denied wanting children at all. After spending time with my wife she started talking about having a baby.

Pregnamones are also responsible to the lack of sexiness in a pregnant woman. Many people, other then myself, have noticed that when a women is pregnant she has a different and distinct scent. Before anyone told me, I outed two pregnant females because of their scent. They came up to talk to me and after a couple of seconds; I had to ask if they were pregnant. On both occasions they where and shocked that I knew since they hadn’t told anyone yet.

It is my belief that this scent is a byproduct of a pregnant woman’s emanation of pregnamones. It serves as a warning to males. It screams, “This woman is pregnant, back away slowly! Irrational behavior and an unstable emotional environment are active in this woman. Make sure you have plenty of chocolate and think twice thrice before you speak!” This warning also causes a flight response in the male, killing his sexual desire.

Right now some of your are nodding your head in agreement, others are shaking their head in disbelief. Either way, this is why Victoria’s Secret does not make lingerie for pregnant women.

Posted by Contagion at 04:13 PM | Comments (13) | TrackBack