Miasmatic Review

Another step towards complete government control.

Well it’s official. I’m never buying a GM product again. General Motors Files for Bankruptcy Protection.

The plan is for the federal government to take a 60 percent ownership stake in the new GM. The Canadian government would take 12.5 percent, with the United Auto Workers getting a 17.5 percent share and unsecured bondholders receiving 10 percent. Existing GM shareholders are expected to be wiped out.

Chrysler did this back in April, and when they did I was annoyed that the government feels the need to own and operate businesses. I vowed at that time to never own a Chrysler product again, but that wasn’t a big deal because I vowed that when I was in college and I’ve never seriously looked at buying anything ever made by Chrysler.

I’ve owned Fords and GM products, and other than Ford cars, I’ve been happy with them. I’ll never own another Ford car after the catastrophes that were the two previous ones I owned. Now I know some of my readers will throw magazine reviews and statistics compiled by “independent” sources, but honestly my experiences with the Ford car division and others that I know that own them pretty trump what ever I read in a magazine from a person I don’t know. Ford trucks I’ll swear by, they’re a good sturdy truck.

With GM now out of the running, when it comes time to get replace either my truck or Ktreva’s van, I know it won’t be with a vehicle made by GM or Chrysler. I’m not buying a vehicle from a government owned company. Oh, and now that they are partially owned by the Canadian Government as well, I’m definitely not buying from a foreign government.

Fortunately it will be years before I have to buy a new vehicle.

Just weird.

I'm not sure what Cadbury is trying to imply with this add, but if their Dairy Milk bar makes my eyebrows do this, I don't want it.

Sea kittens?

Okay, this is just stupid. Over at NPR they have an article; PETA Attempts To Make Fish More Adorable.

""PETA thought that by renaming fish sea kittens, compassionate people who would never dream of hurting a dog or a cat might extend that sympathy to fish, or sea kittens," PETA campaign coordinator Ashley Byrne says."

Yea, really, I wonder if the people with PETA have any grasp of reality. I can't see anyone other than one of their reality challenged chuckleheads to actually go for this proposal.

This is why you avoid shopping on Black Friday.

I try to avoid shopping on Black Friday for many different reasons, this however is the best reason of all.

Walmart Employee Trampled to Death

This really doesn't surprise me. People anymore have no respect for each other, they only care about themselves. Well it seems most people are that way. I feel for the employee's family. What a horrible, horrible way to lose a family members. Especially since they are going to have a brutal reminder every year after Thanksgiving.

Product Placement Hell

Over the last year I've noticed more and more product placements in everything from movies to TV shows. It's gotten pretty annoying when they change the flow of a whole show just to pimp out the fact that Dunken Donuts sells coffee (ALA USA's Psych).

however, it isn't the worst. Over at cracked they came up with The 10 Most Shameless Product Placements in Movie History

He deserved it.

I don't know why this kid was kicking the wall, I really don't care. All I know is that at the end of the video I couldn't help but laugh at him.

That's what I'll get Ktreva for her birthday!

Guys, do you have a hard time finding the perfect gift for that special someone in your life. I always say, "You can never go wrong with jewelry." Well that was until today. Because today I found OctopusME! Jewelry made from REAL Octopus!

Thank you so much for stopping by the OctopusME! Store where most of the jewelry is made from REAL Octopus!!

The Octopus is a symbol of Transformation and Regeneration. Because of its reputation of changing colors to match its backgrounds, the octopus is also known as the Master of Disguise. Octopuses also have the power to regenerate. If an octopus loses an arm in battle it can grow a new one. Some can even detach and arm to distract predators and then grow another! Don't mess with the octopus because they can stun or kill you with one poisonous bite. The poison is called tetrodotoxin which is the same as Fugu, the puffer fish served in Japan. So treat your Octopus with Love!

Dirty Fingers Rock!!! : )

(o)(o)(o) (suction sound)

OctopusME!

Yea, I'm not thinking any of the ladies that I know would want something like this. Really, I don't.

I found my hell.

I had a strange dream last night. It started off good and then went straight to hell. And not any hell, but I think this is my personal hell.

It started off as me getting a job as a professional re-enactor, and it paid really well! I even got to portray a Jacobite! All was perfect until my first day at work. Upon arrival at job it was a horrible mess. They had a timeline of 1558 to 1780. And everyone was just jumbled together. They had Elizabethan era people mixed with Revolutionary War solders.

Then to make matters worse, it was mostly people that I work with now. All the ones I'm having issues with. In fact the director of our office WAS Queen Elizabeth. They kept having me walk around with her to my protest. It didn't matter how much I pointed out that a 1746 Jacobite would NOT be with Queen Elizabeth. Much like real life, my opinion didn't matter even though I had facts that backed it up.

I kept getting excuses like, "But the public likes you two together. The way you act like you hate the English and her being all regal is funny." I think I almost had an aneurysm in my sleep. Then it was I couldn't carry my sword with me because It's not safe, they made me carry a Styrofoam one. It just kept getting worse and worse... THEY MADE ME WASH ME WAISTCOAT AND LEGGINGS!

When I tried to quit they brought out my contract and showed me that I couldn't quit unless I wanted to pay them 10 million dollars. That's when I woke up in a cold sweat screaming.

Delivery denied.

Back in March, Spurs of the apparently defunct Pull My Finger, was able to get me a copy of the Sports Illustrated limited edition Brett Favre memorial issue. They sold out around here in a matter of minutes when they hit the stands. When I had that highly coveted magazine in my hands, I promised I would send him a couple bottles of Dragon's Milk and a six pack of one of my higher rated beers in appreciation. Finally after months of waiting, my contact got me my case of Dragon's Milk and I picked up a six pack of the Edmund Fitzgerald Porter.

Armed with an address, two bottles of Dragon's Milk and a six-pack of the porter, I hit a local shipping store. Where I am promptly told, "You can not legally ship beer." WHAT?!?!?!?! I can't ship beer? It seems that it's illegal to ship beer. Instead of driving all over town I called three other places and received the same information. GUH!!!! WHY?

I'm still working on it, I may have to get sneaky, sneaky, but dammit... I'm a man of my word and he's getting his well deserved beer!

Really, that's the best defense you could come up with?

When I saw this headline I thought it was a joke. Man Claims Bigfoot Molested.

A man who claims that he was molested by Bigfoot as a child was ordered to serve 20 years in prison yesterday for his own molestation-related activities...

...Morrill reportedly told an investigator preparing his pre-sentence report that he had been sexually assaulted by the legendary Bigfoot.

Patton said Morrill really believes the assaulted happened. "I take him very seriously because I know Mr. Morill has issues," said Patton.

I've heard of a lot of different defenses. I've heard a lot of different accusations. But Bigfoot molested me as a child is why I molest children is just stupid. Yet, it today's society that may be enough to get the guy an insanity plea.

Pissed off.

I know I'm supposed to do the beer review tonight, but honestly I'm not in the mood to do it. I just got off the phone with Comcast about our new internet/cable service and they have my blood boiling.

We had Insight, but then Comcast bought them out. They have been telling everyone how great they are going to be when they finally take over for at least 5 months now. They've been sending us items telling us when it was going to happen and that the transition should be seamless. HA!

Today I get a mailer saying that the channels we have are changing, and so are the packages. I was confused so I called them to see how big of a change it was going to be. Long story short, in order to keep the channels I want to watch, my cable bill is going to be about $45 dollars more a month and I'm going to get a crap load of channels I don't want.

While trying to research this I had to switch my e-mail for our internet over to their account. That was less than exciting as it didn't work like they said it would. Nothing transfered properly. Comcast tech support said I had to call Insight. Insight said they had nothing to do with our area anymore and I had to work with Comcast. Two hours later and Clone learning interesting phrases like, "Cum gurgling gutter slut" along with various other curses because I was hung up on twice by Comcast, we finally came to a work around that didn't fix the problem, but masked it.

Now at this point I'm just really not in the mood to gently drink a beer and have a review. No, now I'm in the mood to go drink some really potent and cheap liquor... if you know what I mean.

I promise the review will be done tomorrow baring any further complications.

Oh, and for the record Comcast Sucks!

How stupid are people?

Reality shows, we've all seen one at one time. Some of you may have only seen bits and pieces of them while others are hooked on a dozen or so of them. Either way it's mindless television for the masses. When the writers strike was going on, the only new television were reality shows. They don't need writers or scripting so they could continue to make them.

I'll admit I've watched a couple of them. I was a Survivor fan for many seasons, the last couple have done nothing for me so I quit watching. Occasionally there is another one that comes along and I start watching, like this year. I was bored with re-runs so I turned on The Moment of Truth. The first day watching I told Ktreva, "This show is a divorce waiting to happen." Some of the questions got down right personal and really revealing. Yet, these people would continue to play in order to win money up to $500,000.00.

The premises of the show is that they hook the contestant up to a lie detector prior to the game and ask them a series of True or False questions. During the show they ask them 21 of these questions as the game goes one, as the stakes get higher, the questions get more difficult. If they lie once, they lose all of their money.

In the three episodes I've watched, I've seen people admit to things on national television that really surprises me. Especially since they have their loved ones and friends sitting there watching them. At some point you know that one of these people is going to ruin a relationship by being on this show. What makes it worse in my mind is that the contestants know what they are going to be asked and still go on the show! How stupid or greedy do you have to be?

To prove my point, here is the last three questions asked of Lauren Cleri.

At the Fox site you can see the clip of the questions she was asked, there are quite a few. Even if their marriage was over and she was just looking for the money, why would you admit this to anyone on TV. I mean come on, she's now damaged goods. Would anyone in their right mind want to hire her, or start a relationship with her? The funniest part is that she lost the whole thing when she was asked, "Do you think you are a good person?" and she answered yes, and the detector said no! I want to know what's going on in her peroxided head to believe that, "I lie, cheat, steal and love another man other than my husband, I'm a good person." Actually if it had come up true, it wouldn't surprise me either, it would just prove that she is more selfish and a bigger witch than I already thought she was. At least now I think she feels some remorse for what she did.

And I thought my management was bad.

Anyone that has ever worked in a cube farm, AKA office, is familiar with the Dilbert comics. Some of them really hit close to home, but for Dave Steward of Fort Madison, IA it summed up his feelings about management. So he posted it on the bulletin board at work and fired for it.

Steward, 50, a resident of Fort Madison, was fired by the casino last fall after seven years of employment. He had posted on an office bulletin board a "Dilbert" strip in which the protagonist compares his bosses to a bunch of "drunken lemurs."

Well I can understand the posting of the comic, I feel that way about my managers at time, especially now.

Casino managers were not amused. By reviewing surveillance tapes, they determined that Steward was responsible for posting the cartoon. They fired him and accused him of not being a "team player."

For posting a comic he's not a team player? I'd think if he blatantly and openly ridiculed management, that would be not a team player but not this.

As a result of this, Scott Adams (Dilbert's Creator) caught wind of the situation and has dedicated recent strips to making fun of the entire situation, in true Dilbert fashion.

In a new series of "Dilbert" comics that begins today, Steward's bosses — represented by the strip's infamous Pointy-Haired Boss — are lampooned for their actions. Steward is depicted by Wally, the strip's bespectacled, coffee-swilling office drone. Steve Morley is portrayed by Catbert, the evil human resources director.

That's just hilarious.

The carbon monoxide makes it taste great!

I love grilling. Hell I even think I'm fairly decent at it. Nothing that I would brag about, but I do take a certain amount of pride in the fact that friends and family ask me to do the grilling for special occasions. Yet, I just can't get past this. little invention.

The Exhaust Burger

That's right, the exhaust burger.

Your car exhaust is a barbeque now.. Stop the car when you are hungry, install the device to the exhaust and back to drive,, You'll have a hamburger in no time. This way you don't need fuel for cooking while commuting and a large amount of energy would be saved.

Seriously, have we gotten so lazy that we need to cook meat while we are driving? What if you get stuck in heavy traffic, will you have a chunk of charcoal? Would anyone ever use something like this.

I know that the exhaust doesn't directly heat the burger, it's just used to heat the metal, but still. I can't picture this as tasting very good. Plus the clean up seems like it would be a pain the butt.

BAH!

I love cold weather, but dammit this is starting to harsh my mellow. Right now it is -7 with a windchill of -23. Which would be fine if I was staying inside, but I wanted to go shooting today. I was going to take some friends out to the range and have some fun. Since the only good ranges that I can get on are at least an hour to an hour and a half away, I called them to make sure they were open. One of them actually states to call before coming as they may not open if the weather is bad.

Sure enough the first one I called said they where not going to open today due to the temperatures just for safety reasons. They are an all outdoor range. The other has a heated outdoor area, but they are further north. They say they are pretty much open all the time. Just to play it safe I called them and the guy I spoke with said that they were currently open, but they are thinking of closing shortly because of the weather.

I decided not to risk the drive for a closed range. Called my friends and canceled the trip. We'll have to reschedule for a different weekend. What sucks about this is that it's been an annual tradition to go shooting on Martin Luther King JR weekend for years. BAH!

At least now I'll be able to stay home and watch both games.

It's not like it's the Holy Grail.

I don't subscribe to Sports Illustrated because I only follow football and to be honest I don't care about what they do the rest of the year. Yet, on occasion, I find that I want to get a copy of their magazine so I can read the stories. This week happens to be one of those occasions. Brett Favre is on the cover. It's a picture taken from last weeks game.

I've been all over looking for this issue and I can't find it anywhere. Apparently all these collectors and wannabe fans are snatching them up hopping they will be worth something some day. These jerks also prevented me from getting the December 10th issue.

So if there are any of you out there that can find either one and want to buy it for me, I'd be really grateful!

I'm wearing shorts!

The weather here has been crazy the last couple of days. Yesterday Rockford Hit 60 degrees, and on the ride home tonight I hear we set a record high for today at 63 degrees. 63 degrees in January, okay... that's just wrong. To make matters worse we had a severe thunderstorm come through that produced a tornado. Yes, a tornado in Northern Illinois in January. This is just freaky.

A popular local attraction was destroyed by the tornado, or so the news says. My main thing is that I haven't heard from Graumagus. His house is out in the area the tornado touched down. One of the news reports I heard advised that some of the houses in his community were damaged. Nothing serious, but there was some storm damage. I'm sure everything is okay with him and his family, but it sure would be nice to hear from him just to know for sure.

Privacy lost.

I get home tonight and I have an e-mail from my friend Smokepoles telling me that Google has implemented a new feature that allows you to put in a phone number and if you search you're able to find the information of the numbers owner. I had heard this before, but never saw it work... until tonight. I went out and sure enough I entered my number and up popped my first initial, last name, city and state. At first I wasn't too concerned, you really can't get too much from that, but I decided to remove it anyway. As I was going through the remove process, Google linked me to some other sites that also do reverse number look ups. Two of them, WhitePages.com and PhoneNumber.com not only gave out my full name, but also my wive's name, our home address and directions on how to get here. For the last forty minutes I've been on a rampage having all of my information removed from these sites.

So if you are a little concerned about privacy, you might want to check and see if you are listed on any of these.

I'm at a loss.

I don't think I could handle being in this bowling league.

I know it's labeled Furries Vs Klingons, but I saw guys dressed as members of Star Fleet in there too. I wonder what the beer frame is like.

Anger Patrol

Have you ever been so mad that you’ve wanted to kill someone? I’m not talking about a friend doing something to piss you of and you say you’re going to kill them. No I mean go home, get a weapon and go hunt the individual down type of anger?

I’ve never been that way and could never fathom how someone could get that mad… until yesterday. I’m not going to go into details, just to protect parties involved, mainly me. However I will tell you that someone for the last couple of days has really been pissing me off. Yesterday it was so bad I finally realized that I wanted to go home, grab an axe off the wall and dismember this individual into bite size chunks for stray dogs.

At first I thought it was just a stray thought, then I found myself actually contemplating it. Finally I ended up having to convince myself that it was a bad idea. A VERY bad idea. It took a long time to convince myself that ridding the world of this individual would probably have some serious repercussions on my family. Yet here I sit still thinking about it… and contemplating on how to dispose of the body in a way that would be hard to track back to me.

Have any of you ever been like this?

Please let it be mud.

You’ve been driving for hours. Your bladder is stretched to its limits and you really regret drinking that last 4 ounces of water even though you are really, really thirsty. With much anxiety your legs are bouncing up and down and wiggling back and forth as you try to hold back the flood. Finally after hours of travel you find a place that has a public restroom. Just the site of it makes you smile and laugh with glee. Quickly you park the vehicle, jump out and run inside. You’re barely able to keep the contents inside and know that if you go any further you’d lose control. As you walked into a public bathroom, you find it to be really disgusting. I mean horribly and massively disgusting.

Have you ever had anything like this happen to you? It doesn’t matter if you were at a gas station, a rest stop, the mall or a restaurant, anywhere you’ve been have you found it so dirty and unclean that it’s technically unusable? Now due to the circumstances such as the ones listed above, have you gone ahead and used it anyway?

I’m just curious if this has happened to anyone else. A couple of weeks ago I stopped in a gas station just because I had to go so bad it hurt. As I walked into the bathroom it looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in weeks. There was mud (In my head it was mud, and yes I had to convince myself of that) all over the floor and sink. The entire room stank of stale urine and feces. The toilet was clogged with toilet paper, feces and urine.

But I had to go really bad…

…so I did. The next bathroom was at least 30 minutes away and I wasn’t going to make it and the thought of pissing on the side of the building did come to mind, but so did the arrest that goes with it. The whole time I’m trying to convince myself that I’m standing on dried mud, yet that didn’t work when I was finished and went to wash my hands. I couldn’t bring myself to touch the sink. Folks, I don’t have a problem being dirty, but I do have a problem handling what could possibly be another persons arse droppings.

To make matters worse when I told the girl working the counter their bathroom is in dire need of cleaning, she replied, “Yea we know. We’re waiting for the cleaning guy to get here.” They could have at least put an out of order sign on it.

WTF????

Okay, this isn't in English, but what the hell is up with the Japanesse and a bug that bites people in the arse?

Movie to miss?

I really thought this was a joke.

Apparently not, Ninja Cheerleaders. Although it does have George Takei of Star Trek Fame in it.

Where has the good food gone?

Okay, day two of the new Contagion. What has gone down so far?

1) Shopping for food that has no fat, low sodium and is something I want to eat is difficult.

2) Day two of no caffeine and I’m ready to kill people. I can’t drink any colored soft drinks, anything with caffeine or anything with sugar. That leaves me with water, unless I want to drink whisky all day, which I may just start doing. All I’ve had to drink over the last two days is water and 24 oz of beer. The water at work tastes like morning breath.

3) For the first time in my life I poured perfectly good beer down the drain. It wasn’t even a beer I hated, but beer I really liked. Why? Because I was past my two beer limit and the bottle couldn’t be resealed.

4) Want to know why Americans are fat? It’s because “healthy”, “good for you” foods are almost twice as expensive as regular food. Think I’m kidding; go shopping for “healthy” lunch meats and breads. The other reason is that the amount of time it takes to turn something “healthy” into something palatable takes forever and it still doesn’t taste as good as a bacon cheeseburger and fries that only take 15 minutes to cook. It took me 1.5 hours to cook last night’s dinner and I still would have rather had the burger and fries.

5) If one more person mistakes why I’m eating “healthier” for me going on a diet, I’m going to reach down their throat and rip out a chunk of their lower intestine. If it was up to me, I’d still be eating and drinking the same stuff. It’s because I’m trying to keep my insides from jellifying that I’ve changed my eating habits.

So there you have it. Now you’ll excuse me while I go eat some baby carrots and cucumber slices.

Why would anyone do this?

This video is a little dark, but it sends an important message for this upcoming Fourth of July. It doesn’t matter how much you drink, it doesn’t matter how much you want to fit in, it doesn’t matter how big of an idiot you are. Never, ever let someone launch a bottle rocket from your arse! This clip is NSFW, you have a partial of a girls butt and the language is a little on the harsh side.

Bradley University Situation update.

Just a quick update on the Ex-Military not welcome at Bradley University. Unfortunately for me, Troy has gone on vacation and isn’t due back for a while. Thus I can’t get the name of the person who spoke with or the phone number he called to see if I could talk to someone there about the situation. At this time no one has responded to my original inquiry to Bradley’s undergraduate admissions using the contact page on their website. At this time I have not received a response back.

HOWEVER! I did get a comment in the original post from Tom Richmond Director of Admissions Marketing and Communications at Bradley. He states:

I work in the Office of Undergraduate Admissions at Bradley Univeristy and I am glad to comment on this posting.

While I can not talk about individual applicants, I can comment on our admissions policies.

Admissions decisions are based upon a professional review of a complete student record with the intent to determine whether a student can succeed at the univeristy. Most of this decision is based upon the review of the student's academic record.

A variety of other factors are considered to help learn about a student's motivation, social skills, time management skills, goals, and a variety of important intangibles that can lead to college success.

Military service is one intangible that will never be looked down upon at Bradley Univeristy. In fact, service to our country is considered an assett in the application process and recent military veterans have been admitted.

I'm glad to take this opportunity to help clear up any misunderstandings.
We welcome applications from anyone who feels they might benefit from the Bradley experience.

He also sent me an e-mail via the account I use on here. Not the one I sent the original inquiry on. I wanted to make sure my spam filter didn’t eat the response. Now I responded to Tom and explained that Troy and his mother are not the types that make up stories or are prone to lying. In fact I’d have to say they pretty much are some of the most honest folk I know. Good stock in that family if you ask me. Since I am an objective individual, I’m willing to concede that possibly there was a miscommunication or that someone in that office blurted out the first thing that came across their mind in a stressful situation. I just don’t know yet. Until I can get the information from Troy, I’m kind of stuck in a holding pattern.

A couple of commenters did pose questions to Tom, and I forwarded them on to him. From Laughing Wolf:

Quick question Tom: If what you say is true, then how do you respond to the following quote from someone in admissions: “Because you were in the military, you won’t fit in here.” This would seem to directly contravene what you say, so which is it? No spin, straight answer.

And from H~, which if I am not mistaken is Hubba Mother of Boudicca.

Tom, I do believe the intangibles mentioned "A variety of other factors are considered to help learn about a student's motivation, social skills, time management skills, goals, and a variety of important intangibles that can lead to college success." is learned better by serving in the military than any college campus.

Excluding those factors this young man is left to rely on his grades for admission. As you are well aware when people mature they become better students. My guess is he's matured more than most of your students in the same age bracket, but I don't know the man only his willingness to serve our country. I applaud your university for admitting those who make it possible for us to continue opening educational opportunities for all.

You mentioned you have admitted veterans recently. Do you know the percentage of veterans currently accepted to those denied admission?
In advance, thank you for the follow-up.

I’ve forwarded both along to him just in case he doesn’t go back and read the original comments… or that comment spammers get so bad I have to shut it down and he can’t respond.

Ex-Military not welcome at Bradley University.

One of my employees came up to me today and told me a story that literally knocked the words right out of me. Some of you may remember that two years ago I was trying to raise money for some troops going back to Iraq. Which, we did do a great job and they appreciated all of it. The story she told me regarded her son Troy (the solder pictured in the original post), who is now discharged from the military. He is trying to get into college and one of the universities he attempted to get into is Bradley University in Peoria, Illinois.

He received a rejection letter from the university, but it didn’t tell him why. Being curious he called the admissions office and when asked why he wasn’t accepted they told him, “Because you served in the Military.”

(Waits for readers to pick their jaws up off the ground or to stop swearing)

Yea, I had the same reaction. Now I thought… maybe, maybe she was reading more into it. So I questioned her.

Did the letter say he was denied due to being in the military: No.

The lady he spoke with actually said, “You were denied because you were in the military”: Almost.

What did she say? Troy asked why didn’t I get accepted, the admissions officer said, “Because you were in the military, you won’t fit in here.”

Even though I was at work in front of all my direct reports I dropped the F-bomb.

I asked her for the phone number and the name of the lady Troy spoke with. I would like to call them and find out exactly what is going on there. Do they really deny ex-military personal from attending their private university? (Being a private university I’m pretty sure they legally can do this.) And if they do is it really because they don’t feel they would fit in?

This would piss me off if it happened to any soldier. But when it’s not only the son of one of my wife’s friends but an employee of mine AND someone that I went out of the way to help previously. Yea, I’m more then a little pissed off. Troy spent two tours in Iraq and one in Afghanistan. One of his tours was 30 months, to state the obvious that is two and a half years! He worked hard, fought for us and comes back to the states to have some uppity higher education admin twit tell him no because he was in the military… yea not while I take breath.

Once I get the information I’m contacting the university and seeing what I can find out. And if I need, I’m going to drive down there and let them know face to face how I feel.

Not today, not ever!

UPDATE: I couldn't wait for the number so I e-mailed their admissions office inquiring about their policy. It will be at least a couple of days before I get a response... if they respond.

This is why Illinois wants to raise the driving age.

I saw one of the stupidest driving maneuvers today. I was driving down State St, a six lane primary street in Rockford. Both sides of the road are packed with commercial businesses. Its six lanes because of the amount of traffic that traverses it. The speed limit on the section of the road I was driving down is 45 MPH. Of course being six lanes EVERYONE does at least 50-55 MPH down this stretch. That is unless there is a cop present then, everyone slows down to the speed the cop is going. On most cases the cop is also doing 50-55 mph.

I was stopped at a light when a squad car pulls up next to me. As we sat other cars started to accumulate, which is normal at a stop light. By the time it turned green, there had to be about a dozen cars waiting. Of course we all let the squad take the lead and set the pace. As we were driving along I saw a white Camaro, I’m not sure what year, but it was a newer body style. It raced up to the congestion and started weaving in and out of lanes trying to get through. The driver looked to be a kid in his late teens or early 20s.

Maybe the kid wasn’t paying attention, maybe he just didn’t care, I don’t know why but he squeezed between the squad car and a black SUV in the right lane. The Camaro almost hit both vehicles in the maneuver. Then the kid punched it and took off. Of course the cop flipped on the lights and went after the kid. That is when the kid slammed on his brakes and pulled over.

I’m still trying to figure out what made this kid think that driving recklessly and speeding past a cop was a good idea.

Joys of driving.

I had to fill the truck up with gas this morning. After driving on the same tank all week and then up to Fort Atkinson, it was less then three quarters of a tank. Since the weekend was over I had been hoping that the price of gas would have dropped, it hadn’t.

Fortunately for me a local bank had opened up a small loan desk at the gas station.

F@#king gas.

Disrespectful

I ended up going to my friend’s visitation on Friday. I filled the truck up with gas, $160.00 worth (It were on fumes) and made the 3 hour drive. At this time I want to say the Verizon Wireless Navigation system on my phone rocks. Trust me, I would have never found the place. As a back up I had Mapquest directions and they weren’t accurate. Like going the wrong way down a one way. But that’s not what this post is about.

I have never been so insulted by anyone’s actions like I was at the visitation. When I arrived I did not recognize anyone else there, I figured they where her family and friends that weren’t re-enactors. At first I didn’t even see her husband, Shane. You get so used to seeing re-enactors in their period clothes that when you see them dressed in modern clothes you don’t recognize them.

Slowly I made my way through the receiving line. By the casket was her bed jacket with trade silver on it. In the casket she laid wearing modern clothes. I didn’t really start to think anything was “wrong” until I saw how the family was lined up. It was in this order: Mother, Father, Shane, brothers and sisters. As her husband Shane should have been at the head of the receiving line. Well, maybe I was wrong on that. I come to the mother shake her hand and tell her I’m sorry for her loss. She looked at me quizzically and asked, “Do I know you?” I explained that I was a re-enacting friend of Denise’s. She gave me this look and in an irritated tone said, “Oh.” I received the same cool reception from her father. Shane of course was warm and welcoming. He looked like he needed a friend.

After I finished the line, I watched the family. Shane looked like he had been put through a ringer; I mean worse then being at your wife’s visitation. They had a video slide show of pictures of Denise, only one of the pictures had her in her re-enacting clothes. This is really weird because most re-enactors I know identify themselves as a re-enactor. It is more than a hobby; it is a way of life. You’ve probably figured that out by reading me for a while. Finally some other re-enactors showed up and I was able to talk with them that is when I got the rest of the story.

Apparently the family didn’t like Denise’s Native American beliefs and re-enacting. She wanted to be buried in the bed jacket and they refused to do so. Due to circumstances that are not my story to tell, the marriage is not legally recognized by the family or state so Shane had no authority to override the parent’s decisions. When Denise was sick the family didn’t visit, assist or comfort her as they should have. Except for her sister, whom I was told actually was accepting of Denise’s choices and was very supportive.

The whole thing really just pissed me off.

Most of the re-enactors drive 2+ hours to be there, some even came from Minnesota. For the parents to be rude to us when all we were doing was pay our respects to their daughter was uncalled for. I guess it is because I couldn’t be that way, I can’t understand how others could. And I could go on, but I’m not going to. But remember folks, if someone you loved dies, respect them, their last wishes and the people that come to pay their respect. You’re honoring a life, not making a statement.

Sink the pink.

I’m sore as all hell today. Yesterday Shadoglare moved from his old apartment to his new one. Being a friend, I helped out. We loaded all the large items into my truck and then moved it to the new place. Now Shadoglare is a good friend of mine. We had been roommates at one time. The only problem I have with him is that he does not like ground floor apartments. Nope, he likes apartments that have stairs. And if the stair stairs are narrow and winding, even the better! Actually I’m just giving him grief. I know he doesn’t intentionally find apartments that are hard to move in and out of, it’s just what is available.

His new place is actually pretty nice for what he’s paying. He has a lot of space, there are windows covering almost every wall. There is only one thing about the apartment that I don’t like, the bathroom. It’s not the size or the layout, it’s the color. He has a pink bathroom. Now, when I say pink, I mean PUH-Pink! It’s bright pink and when you stand inside of it with the light on, you look like you have a sunburn. Actually you don’t even have to be inside the bathroom. If the door is open and the light is on, a pink glow shines down the hall. People in standing there look like they are blushing or flushed. After more then 20 seconds in there, when you come out your vision is jacked up from the brightness of the pink. It distorts all the colors. I thought about taking some pictures of it, but I just don’t think they would turn out. Yes, it’s that pink!

It just doesn't help.

After the tragedy at Virginia Tech, I’m sure many of you are expecting me to say something about guns and gun control. To be honest, it’s just too soon. Right now everyone is upset and out of respect for those that have just lost their lives, I’m not going to use this tragedy to promote my pro-firearm stance. However, I will say that Laughing Wolf posted a link to Penn & Teller’s video regarding Gun Control that he posted on Friday the 13. It’s a long video, about 30 minutes, but it does talk about the flaws of gun control.

Yes, they are comedians and the language is a little rough, but it is very well thought out. It’s not exactly NSFW, but the language is harsh so if you are work and are killing 30 minutes, use headphones listening to this.

I know the secrets that you keep

Hey cell phone users out there. I’m not sure if this is a hoax or real, but damn

Yea, that’s interesting. Honestly I'm thinking its a hoax. I can't see how they would be able to do something like this. I know technology has improved, but there would have to be some kind of power to the receiver for it to get a signal to "turn on". Then again even when I have my phone turned off the clock still keeps track of time so I guess it could be on some kind of passive power supply. Still, I just don't see how this would work.

Hat Tip to IHMC(NSFW) for the story.

Deer hunting is for pansies

It’s been a long time since I’ve done any hunting, and it’s always been in North America. After seeing this video, I’m not sure I would want to go to Africa on a hunting Safari.

Notice how many shots it takes to bring down the lion. I’m just not that good of a shot.

Maybe they should just strap themselves to a rocket.

People do a lot of stupid things just to have fun. But why in the hell would anyone want to do this:

or this:

You have to have some kind of serious death wish is all I’m saying.

My government wants to make me a criminal

While at work today I received a call from my friend Giles (I won’t post his real name with out permission). He was the leader of my old re-enacting group. He asked me if I went to a local gun show here in Rockford yesterday. Grau, Shadoglare and my buddy from work J-man all went. Giles asked if I had heard anything about IGOLD while I was there, I didn’t recall hearing or seeing a thing. IGOLD is the Illinois Gun Owners Lobby Day. He then asked if anyone said anything about the new Illinois gun ban that Mayor Dailey of Chicago is trying to get pushed through legislation with support of Governor Blagojevich. Which I hadn’t heard anything about either, I did hear about the renewal of the assault weapon ban. But he assured me that was NOT what he was talking about.

Giles has a Federal Firearm License as part of his business doing movie special effects. To be honest I’m not EXACTLY sure what all he does, he seems to do about everything. I’m sure if he reads this he would be more then happy to comment a list of his many talents. Anyway, he told me he received a letter regarding IGOLD because Daley is trying to get ALL firearms banned in Illinois. I’m not talking about the just the seven ban targets that it seems all anti-gun people want. From what Giles tells me, Daley and Blagojevich want to use Illinois as a test ground to get all 7 passed this year, as well as throwing in some other items, that would pretty much make owning a firearm in the state of Illinois Illegal. They are even talking about not putting in a Grandfather clause. Thus honest upstanding citizens like myself would be turned into criminals.

At first I thought maybe Giles was upset because this would severely hurt his business and maybe even cause it to shut down. But after doing some digging I’ve found other things that hint to this nefarious deed. The Illinois State Rifle Association on their main page has an article about IGOLD that states:

”Many of you are aware of the present legislative danger we are all in. For those of you who are not aware, if Mayor Daley and the anti-gun crowd have their way Illinois gun owners will become extinct, non-existent, gone, history, no more. Mayor Daley has vowed to rid the state of guns and he makes no distinction between the illegal firearms wielded by the violent criminals and gang members of his city and those firearms owned by law-abiding, peaceful Illinois citizens.”

Emphasis Mine

I really wish I had a copy of the letter Giles received so I could put it up for everyone to read, but he loaned it to a friend and it hasn’t been returned to him. He told me it stated that if firearms weren’t turned in with in so many days of the law passing that the owner would have criminal charges pressed against once honest citizen. There would be no compensation for any firearms turned in.

Many people are going to start throwing around the Second Amendment, “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.” People, the Constitution and its amendments are all fine and dandy… as long as our government upholds it. Anymore I don’t see any politicians actually upholding the Constitution. Our leaders want to take our rights away. I’m not talking Democrats; I’m talking all politicians. What they want to strip from us depends on which party line they are toeing up to. So I have no faith that “the lesser of two evils” elected officials we have will actually uphold the Second Amendment.

IGOLD is Wednesday March 14th. I am tempted to take a couple of days off of work, get a hotel room and travel down for it. I really can’t afford to miss the time from work, but I feel strongly about this. I’m going to see if I can get some time and maybe at least drive down for the afternoon information and just drive back that night missing the evening activities. Maybe I’ll show enough support doing that to help.

Yesterday at the gun show, I really wish I had made a purchase that I had wanted to.

The cat must die.

For years I’ve hated cats. To be honest, hate is too friendly of a word. I don’t think there is a word in any actual, fictional or pretend language in the entire universe that describes how much I truly feel toward these creatures. There is only one thing that could outweigh my hatred of cats, and that is the love I have for my wife. She adores the damn things. She’s grown up with cats, has always had them and isn’t happy unless one of those insipid creatures is lurking around the house.

Two years ago, after years of cat free bliss due to her other cat dying, I caved in and bought her a cat for Christmas a couple of years ago. The cat and I had a mutual understanding, it stays away from me and I won’t eat it. Hey, I may not like them living, but char broiled they taste good. Everything seemed fine, other then it would jump on the bed in the middle of the night earning it a flight into the wall, it never really pissed me off.

That is until 6 weeks ago.

Now the damn thing is pissing on the carpet. It’s been using the liter box for years. I don’t know why it’s decided to stop all of a sudden. We’ve, and I mean Ktreva, have tried various carpet cleaners to remove the smell. She has tried disciplining the cat, using pet carpet cleaners, cleaning the liter box more often and nothing seems to work. THE DAMN THING KEEPS PISSING ON THE FARKING CARPET!

Now my house smells like cat urine, which pisses me off. I’ve been burning incense, scented candles, air fresheners and Febreeze. Nothing seems to work. The damn cat knows it’s pissing me off, because it stays away from me. It’s been a week since I’ve caught more then a glimpse of the damned creature. I’ve had enough.

It’s to the point now that my hatred of the damn creature is starting to outweigh my love for my wife. I am ready to kill the damn thing. Be it by sword, knife or gun… I don’t care. Hell if it gets close enough I’ll squeeze its farking neck, until the head pops off. Then I’ll take hide, put it on a stretcher and hang it in front of my tent at re-enactments.
Maybe I’ll just grab it and throw it in the toilet and keep flushing until its spark of life is covered in shite.

This would break my loving wife’s heart. Thus I will not do any of that… yet. If any of my good readers has a clue on how to stop the damnable creature from using my carpet (and it’s just one spot) as a piss pot, I would appreciate it.

Until then I’m going to go play Kill a Kitten for a while to help quell the felinicidal urges.

He's damn lucky.

People, as you all know I like firearms. As part of owning a firearm, I have a lot of respect for them. You can’t mistreat or misuse a firearm. If you do, it could end up with disastrous consequences. That applies to all Firearms. Even ones that people “know” are unloaded or safe. I’ve seen first hand and heard about second hand too many cases of people messing around with one and hurting themselves. Like the idiot in this video:

Sure it was only a flare gun, but it’s still dangerous and he’s lucky that he’s okay. The sad thing is that I’ve seen people pull the same stunt with real handguns. When I was in college there was a guy that put a revolver to his had and was going to pretend to blow his brains out. After a quick yelling and the guns owner disarming the idiot he advised him that the revolver was indeed loaded. That idiot pulled it out of a nightstand in the guy’s room.

It's taxing.

Off to do the taxes. I really don't want to find out how much I owe those bastiches.

Farking government.

Jim Ryan DUI

Anybody that has spent more then fifteen minutes with me or has been to this blog for more then five minutes knows I’m a drinker. And yes occasionally I drink to the excess. It does happen, I’m admitting it. Yet I have never done anything that might jeopardize my job. I wish I could say the same thing for Jim Ryan, the City Administrator for the City of Rockford. He was arrested early this morning for a DUI.

Police arrested city Administrator Jim Ryan shortly after 3 a.m. in the 1000 block of Luther Ave. after he was spotted asleep behind the wheel of a city-owned car with its engine running.

That’s right not only was the guy stupid enough to get behind the while when he was drunk, but it was a vehicle owned by the city… His employer! I don’t know if he thought he was Teflon and laws don’t apply to him, or that if he was caught, the cops would just slap his wrist and escort him home. It’s stupid enough to drink and drive, we all know that, but in a government vehicle? I can’t fathom that kind of idiocy. Wait, maybe he wasn’t actually drunk, he did refuse a Breathalyzer. Which means he’s talked to a lawyer about this before. It’s an instant DUI, but it’s easier to fight in court. (Maybe this isn’t his first?) Then again with these facts:

”Officers approached the vehicle and “Ryan fumbled with the vehicle keys and putting the vehicle into park,” the statement said.

Officers noted that Ryan had a strong odor of alcohol on his breath, slurred speech and “bloodshot, glassy eyes,” according to the statement. He also apparently told police that he had consumed several beers earlier, but declined to take field sobriety and breath tests, the statement said.”

I really hope they throw the book at this guy and the city fires him. There is no excuse for this kind of behavior. Just imagine the scandal if he had hit something, or killed someone? He is a top-ranking city official, and I hope he gets fired over this. However, with the Chicago style politics that Mayor Morrissey has brought to Rockford, I can see this getting swept under the rug.

Suckin' Blood G!

There are many things in the world that just don’t really combine. For instance Sardines and strawberry ice cream just don’t go well together. But sometimes you find things that you just wouldn’t think go well together do, such as Twizzlers and salsa. Yet, I’m still up in the air if Hip-Hop and Goth can be intermixed successfully. Some people obviously think they can, for they have Vampire Teeth Grillz.

THESE ARE THE DRAC-COOL-IST AVAILABLE! SINK YOUR TEETH IN THESE MONSTERS!

' Filled with Bling-Bling & A Goth Etched Design'

Emphasis THEIRS!

I need to go find me some scary Goth kids to see if they would even try these things.

Use this!

What is the Illinois “use” tax? Well until today I had never heard about it. Now that I have, it just confirms that governments would rather squeeze every penny they can get out of their citizens. The Illinois Use tax basically means that if you buy anything outside the state of Illinois physically or online and you are charged less then the 6.25% base sales tax, you are supposed to claim that on your annual tax forms and mail the difference to the state.

n Wisconsin, you pay a base sales tax rate of 5 percent on those purchases. Since Illinois’ base sales tax rate is 6.25 percent, you are required to pay Illinois 1.25 percent on all of those purchases when you file your yearly income taxes.

What this means is that if I go on a vacation to states that have a lesser sales tax rate then Illinois, which I think is most of them, then I’m supposed to keep tract of all of my receipts and when I do my annual taxes send that extra money to the state government. When I take my annual pilgrimage to Green Bay to see the Packers play, I’m supposed to send extra money to the State. If I buy something online, and am not charged sales tax or charged a lesser amount. I’m supposed to track it and send it to the state. If I purchase something online and am not charged sales tax over Illinois 6.25%, you got it, I send money to the state. Think I’m kidding? Here’s the State of Illinois official guide to the Use Tax. The most interesting things on this is that this law has been around since 1955,yet I’m just now learning of it.

In the article in the Rockford Register Star, a representative of the state claims;

“It’s a self-reported tax and we realize many people don’t know they owe it,” Klemens said. “We work hard at getting the word out. We send notices to tax preparers to remind them. We have it in our tax booklet. In fact, we project we’ll collect about 10 percent more this year because we displayed it prominently on our cover. We believe 90 percent of the people will pay the tax if they realize they owe it.”

Shyea, right. I’ve always joked that Illinois bureaucrats are on crack, but I never thought I’d get confirmation. The state of Illinois is bleeding its people dry with all the different taxes. What makes them think that these people are going to voluntarily fork over more money? According to a couple of sources online, the only states with a higher Income tax then Illinois are California, Mississippi, New Jersey, Tennessee, Rhode Island, Minnesota and Washington. Alabama and Texas have the same rate as Illinois. I highly doubt that the citizens of the state of Illinois are going to start forking over money because they went on a vacation to any one of the other 40 states not listed and bought a souvenir, gift or anything else to bring home.

First off, who is going to keep all those receipts for a year just to pay extra money? Secondly, who is going to keep all those receipts at all? Hell, when I buy something I generally toss the receipt as soon as it’s out of the checkbook. If I pay in cash, I tend to toss the receipt as soon as I see a trashcan. The chances are that by the time I take my next out of state trip, I’m going to forget this law even exists. The sad thing is that apparently there are a lot of other states that have the same or similar law. So keep that in mind when you travel, especially if you live in one of the states I listed above.

Awwww, it's not so cute.

There is a peer of mine that has a habit, which is annoying the living hell out of me. In the middle of a conversation, she will start talking like she’s a 4-year-old girl. She even has some of the same mannerisms, the shaking of the head and the giddy clapping. She doesn’t do it during the meetings, but when I’m talking to her one on one she will throw out every couple of sentences this way. People, it’s like fingernails on a chalkboard. I’ve never met another grown adult that does this. Well, except when they are imitating something their kid or grandchild said.

Folks, I can’t begin to explain how this grates on my nerves. Every time she does it, I want to reach out and slap the snot out of her. During the day, I tend to avoid her so I don’t have to listen to her. If there is an issue and I do have to speak with her, then I try to do it as quickly as possible.

She really is a nice person. Yet during our conversations in the past she has stated that she doesn’t have many friends and that people tend to not like her. I’m pretty sure I’ve identified why. I haven’t said anything to her about it, mainly because I really don’t think it would be appropriate for me to do so. On the other hand, it might piss her off enough that she stops and my brain won’t scream at me every time she does it.

Farking sensitivity class is working.

Talk about whiplash.

For the love of all that is good, WHY?!?!?!

That just looks like a broken back waiting to happen.

Disturbing scenes

Okay, I need some other opinions. Today they had the funeral and visitation for the baby that died last week. I did not attend the visitation or funeral because I didn’t know her all that well. We needed to have some management stay in the building, and I thought it was Friday this morning so I wasn’t dressed appropriately. Not everyone went to the funeral; some just went to the visitation. As they returned EVERYONE described the scene like this:

“The baby wasn’t in the casket. (The Mother) sat there holding the baby, rocking it back and forth. She would smile at him and talk to him as if he were alive at times.”

I’ve never been to the funeral for an infant before. So I’m not sure what the protocol is, but this whole macabre scene not only made me concerned for the mother’s mental health, but also disturbed many of the visitors. Even a guy I know that is pretty stout willed found the scene kind of disturbing.

I didn’t get to speak to anyone that was at the funeral before I left work today, but I’m wondering if the mother made a scene at the internment. From what I’ve heard and some other stuff I don’t want to share due to the private nature of it, I’m concerned she is going to need a lot of serious mental health counseling. I’m not talking about seeing a guy two nights a week; I’m talking inpatient in a ward.

I know the grieving is normal, but is the whole display with the baby usual?

Date from Hell.

I would kill the producers of this show for setting me up with a girl like this.

I'm really impressed with how composed and the level of civility that the guy maintained. If it had been me, I'd have told the beoatch off.

Just good eatin'

I'm pretty open to all kinds of food. I'll try meat from any animal at least once, just to see how it tastes. Yet for some reason this just seems wrong to me.

Who would go to that kind of trouble to eat a squirrel? The lady that is doing the talking seems a little off too. Who the heck would take squirrel melts to a football game or tailgate party?!?!?!?!

Yet at the same time, they do look kind of good. Maybe I should try one.

Relevant speed.

Og of Neanderpundit is regaling us with tales of drivers on his way to work. More specifically about the “Blue Hairs” as he calls them, and the idiots that drive fancy cars that believe it gives them a right to hot rod through traffic. His little tale reminded me of an ongoing annoyance I’ve had for the last couple of months.

As some of you may remember, I tend to have a lead foot. Typically I drive about 10 mph over the posted limit. I’m generally not the fastest car on the road, but I’m definitely not the slowest. I don’t care if people pass me and I don’t mind passing people. Although I do hate it when they whip around me just to slow down. Especially if they are making a turn and come to an almost complete stop. But that is not what I want to talk about.

There is a stretch of road that I travel down every day to work. It’s only about four miles long, but in that stretch the speed limit goes from 30 to 35 to 40 to 45 miles per hour. When I start out on it I’m doing 40 miles an hour and just about everyone is passing me like I’m standing still. Every time the speed limit increases by 5 MPH, so do I. Again I’m generally being passed rather easily. Finally, when I get to the stretch of road that is 45 MPH, I’m doing 55 MPH. However, now all these cars that have been passing me are now being passed by me.

Can anyone explain this to me? I mean I’m still doing 10 over the speed limit. Speeding tickets in the state of Illinois increase in severity based on how fast over the speed limit you are going, not on how fast in total you are going. Thus doing 40 in a 30 has the same fine as 55 in a 45. However, doing 50 in a 30 has a larger fine then 55 in a 45. Why the hell do all these morons not accelerate past 50? I don’t know, but I get annoyed when they start boxing me in and I want to go.

Counting votes.

I’ve never believed in the electronic voting machines being hacked theory that is floating around. It’s just way too big of a conspiracy theory for me to buy. They may be flawed, but I don’t believe they are rigged or hacked. Then again living in Illinois I can’t think of any voting method that isn’t flawed. Hell I live in the same state as Chicago; we all know what they can do with ballots and a large body of water.

Tuesday night I did start to wonder how flawed our polling system is. The polls here closed at 7:00 PM, we didn’t start getting election news/results until around 8:00. By 8:30 you still couldn’t get an accurate picture of how the election was going. Depending on what news source you where looking at, they all give different figures. Three local channels, the local newspaper and two radio stations couldn’t agree on any results. At a little past 9:00 PM one station declared Blagojevich the winner while another station showed Topinka in the lead. The newspaper had a state representative loosing as well as a US congressman, but two of the stations had them both winning. Some races showed really close in one place and on opponent to have a wide lead at others. No two had numbers that even resembled the other sources. It went on this way all night. I finally gave up watching and checking the results because it was frustrating and annoying.

I’m trying to figure out how all of these “reliable” news sources could have widely varying results. I know I’m not that savvy in the ways of how votes are counted and election results reported, but one would think they would have a least a uniform or single point of media release. I’m also wondering how accurate any of the election results actually where.

Yea, that’s another rung in my ladder of lost faith in our government.

Hosting problems.

I’m really starting to get pissed off. I switched to a new Internet provider and ever since I’ve had more trouble accessing my other website, The Spoon and Blade. I have a Mortar Maiden and an event review all written and ready to publish. When ever I go to connect it times out on me. I’ve been fighting this for a couple of months now and it’s really starting to piss me off.

I’ve got 4 months left on this contract and then I think I’m going to change hosting and domain registration companies. If they can’t get this fixed and quickly, I don’t know what else I can do.

Wallyworld is for hookers?

Over at the Conservative UAW Guy he has a post that confirms my own previous observations regarding Wallyworld and posted Wal-martiquette. Where I went off on the drug using crowd, he goes off on the who-are and who-are in training crowd.

And even though it’s satire, I completely and honestly agree with number 5.

5. And now a note to parents: If you dress up your 6 to 15 old girls like hookers, porn stars and Britney Spears, and drag them through Wal-Mart, you should go to prison.

They are not 28.
They're freakin' kids.

Are you actually TRYING to find kidnappers, stalkers, and child molesters by trolling for them with your offspring as bait, or are you just that f**king stupid and amoral.

I’ve seen way too many young girls, or as I’ve taken to calling them “Probate ho-bait� (Probationary hookers in training) walking around showing off their stuff. Well, okay their pre-development stuff. If I had daughters, and thank the powers that be that I don’t, (Boys make trouble, girls bring it home) there is no chance in hell I would let her out of the house dressed anything like that. The last thing I would want is some 48 year old balding virgin sitting in his bathroom rubbing one off to the mental image of my 12 year old daughter. Apparently some people like the thought of their daughters as cock-candy.

For all the potential stalkers out there.

How pathetic does one person have to be to dedicate a web page to their girlfriend? When I hear that the first thing I think of is some High School kid who is in his first relationship with a girl. Then I think, hey we have a future stalker here. At first I thought this was just one person, then I did a Google Search for “This page is dedicated to my girlfriend�.

Holy farking nightmare boyfriends! Ladies, please fill me in, if your man did something like this for you, would you appreciate it? I mean, do you find this romantic or creepy?

However, if you think you might want to make one of these. At least do it properly. Here’s a website on How to Dedicate a Webpage to Your Girlfriend. I think it’s important to make note of the first guideline. Guideline # 1 ~ Make sure you actually have a girlfriend.

What is the world coming to? I wish we could go back to the good ol’ days of finding women. Offer her father two cows and a goat for the pretty daughter and tell him you know a guy that will give the same for the ugly one because he’s desperate.

Flaming fun.

Since the Fourth of July is rapidly approaching, I thought I would include this little cautionary tale. Originally I found this clip over at College Humor. (The site itself is NSFW, you never know what you’re going to have displayed).

This is why States like Illinois have laws banning fireworks. Idiots like these help support the governments belief that people can’t think for themselves and need to be told what to do. I mean seriously people; in what world would anyone think this is a good idea? You know that if the kid getting shot got hurt, his parents would be petitioning the lawmakers to make a law banning fireworks or making it a felony to shoot them at someone. Then they would name the law after the boy, the “Farking idiot that doesn’t have the common sense to not let his friend shoot him with Roman candle� Law. Then all the responsible, firework-loving citizens of the state would suffer. As the fireworks would get banned or you need a special license to buy them, people would go out of state to procure their fiery fun. Then they would make another law, the “People are buying fireworks out of state, bringing them back and lighting them, so we need to ban the setting off of fireworks� law.

Then the cops will be able to confiscate all the ill-gotten fireworks. And issue tickets to help bolster the local economy. Trust me, I have experience with this.

More then 15 minute notice is needed.

Dammit! I took the day off of work to have the Air Conditioner installed. I made sure the electrical was all up and working so there would be no problems. I even made sure that I cleaned out the area the unit was going to go and kept it clean. Since I was going to be home, I kept Clone for the day. No need taking him to the sitter if Daddy’s going to be home.

All was going well, I woke up early to make sure I was ready for them. I made a special breakfast for Clone and I. Just as I was sitting down to type up a post, the phone rings. It’s from the contractor. They can’t come today. Mother Farker! It pissed me off. I scheduled this day two weeks ago just to make sure there wouldn’t be any problems. I took the time off of work to have this done. They call the farkin’ day of the installation and want to reschedule.

Contractor: “Mr. Contagion. I’m sorry, but we are not going to be able to come out today to install the air conditioner. We’re going to need to reschedule.�

Me, “Wait… you’re calling me the day of the installation to tell me you can’t come? I took the day off of work to be here.�

Contractor: “I’m really sorry, when is the next available day we can come to install it?�

Me, “Tomorrow.�

Contractor: “… Tomorrow is Saturday.�

Me, “Yes it is, but I took today off of work to have this done. If you had told me yesterday I could have gone into work today and not lost the time. I won’t be able to take another day off in a while due to other peoples vacations. So it’s either tomorrow, or I cancel and go with another company.�

Contractor: “We’ll be out tomorrow. Is the same time okay?�

Me, “Yes, yes it is.�

Maybe I was being a bit of an asshole to the guy. I just don’t care. Too many people anymore don’t realize that other people work. If you want us to do something in the middle of the week, we can’t just leave work or tell them, “Hey, I’m not coming in.� Well I guess you could, but you’d be jobless pretty damn quick. I know I wouldn’t be this irritated if they had called me yesterday and said something, but they didn’t. They called me late this morning. I just find that highly unacceptable.

Not what I had in mind

Almost two months ago I made a post regarding video clips of people putting Mentos into diet pop (Yes, pop. Not soda, not coke, but pop!) and making fountains. At that time I had asked title the post, “Oh the possibilities.� I was thinking along the lines of practical jokes and things like that. Well two guys decided to take the idea to a level that just baffles the mind as to why.

Click to watch video

What happens when you combine 200 liters of Diet Coke and over 500 Mentos mints? It's amazing and completely insane.

The first part of this video demonstrates a simple geyser, and the second part shows just how extreme it can get. Over one hundred jets of soda fly into the air in less than three minutes.

It's a hysterical and spectacular mint-powered version of the Bellagio Fountains in Las Vegas, brought to you by the mad scientists at EepyBird.com.

It’s amusing, but it is a large file. I wish I had $200 to $300 to throw down the drain… or spill onto the ground.

Speaking of Hot 'Tang.

Having worked in Law Enforcement, I can only imagine the responding officers reaction to this call.

MAY 17--An Iowa man impervious to embarrassment called cops this week to report the theft of a blow-up fashioned to resemble a porn star. According to a Council Bluffs Police Department report, Trenton Camacho called cops Monday night to report that a "Priority US Mail package" containing his "Jenna Haze Love Doll" had been opened and that the plastic plaything was missing.

What the hell is wrong with the world today? I mean if you are going to open someone’s mail and steal something, why do you take the plastic coochie?!?! Why not take the whole damn thing? Then if you had your love toy stolen, would you really call the cops? I think I’d just order another one.

Then on the off chance that the police did recover the stolen part, would you really want it back? I mean it would probably glow under a black light so brightly that they could see it from space!

Just don't use a pair with Skid marks.

Ever wonder what to do with an old pair of underwear? Well, that is unless you like wearing them as a hat. Well if you have, and you didn’t want to throw them out, I have the perfect answer for you. Make a wallet out of them.

Speak for the lord!

This has got to be the most insane preacher I’ve ever seen. After watching this, I really do want to go get the shotgun in my previous post! Just in case he comes to my door, I want a way to keep him at bay.

Click to watch video

This guy isn't very Christian like. I didn't realize calling people a "stupid Beotch" or "Motha Fuhka" was loving thy neighbor.

That's not good.

You’re driving down the road. In your rear view mirror you see a white truck with yellow flashing lights approaching at a high-rate of speed. When it passes, you can read the sign on the back. It says:�Haz-mat Emergency Response Team, Radioactive material containment unit.�

I really wish it wasn’t heading in the same direction I was traveling.

Yarr! Eat my cereal mattey!

What the hell! All right I know there has been many cross-promotional things. Almost a year ago I made fun of the Star Wars/Darth Vader Cheez-Its promotion. Now I find this:

Captain Jack Sparrow has his own cereal.

The box describes the cereal to be “Naturally sweetened chocolate pearl shaped cereal with pirate shaped marshmallows�. Pirate shaped marshmallows, what is a pirate shaped marshmallow? Cutlass, cannon, pistols, pirate ship, a plank? Looking at the picture it’s too hard to tell. But enough, lets get to the meat and potatoes of this post. My anticipated vision for the commercial.

(Opening on the deck of the Black Pearl, Captain Jack Sparrow saunters up to the camera)

Jack, “Being stranded on a deserted island takes a lot out of a pirate. The solitude, the loneliness, drinking the secret stash of rum can wear a person down. Then there is the threat of mutiny, the British fleet and of course the walking dead. A pirate needs their strength to handle these situations.

(In walks Will Turner holding a box of cereal)

Will, “That’s why we eat Kellogg’s Pirates of the Caribbean cereal. It provides us with everything we need to be the scourge of the seas. With Pirate shaped marshmallows and little black pearl shaped cereal bits it’s fortified with vitamins and minerals that makes a body strong.

Jack, “It tastes great and is part of a complete breakfast!�

(Camera pans out to show Elizabeth Swann hopefully wearing something tight and revealing tied up on the end of the plank)

Elizabeth, “If you don’t eat it, they’ll make you walk the plank!�

(Jack and Will look at each other and nod. Fade to picture of the box sitting behind a bowl of cereal, a glass of milk, a plate with toast, and a glass of juice. In the background you see Elizabeth pushed off the plank and there is a big splash)

At least it wasn't blue.

The other day on my way home from work I saw the largest hair I’ve seen in a long time. This lady had permed platinum blonde hair that was fitted to her head like a helmet. The sides extended at least an inch past the Front of her head! From the side you couldn’t even see the tip of her nose!

To make matters worse, this lady was wearing a fluffy pink coat. Along the wrists it was fur lined, and the fur matched the color of her head. At first I thought maybe I was looking at some kind of strange poodle. After assuring myself that dogs have not taught themselves how to drive, I then thought maybe it was a Sasquatch. A really effeminate, short, albino Sasquatch that’s into the rave scene, but I don’t think they would come that close to downtown. Thus it had to be a woman.

I know what your thinking, no it was not a hat. It was either real hair or a good (as in realistic, not good looking) wig. I couldn’t get close enough to touch it, she was in the vehicle next to me. Trust me, if we had been standing in a line together, my hand would have floated out to touch her hair. There was no tell-tale sign of it being a hat. This lady went out of her way to make her hair look like a big fuzzy helmet.

The saddest part is that she thinks she looks good! She paid someone to make her look like that and is proud of it. I’m guessing that she was in her 40’s, but she may have been as young as 35. Due to the size and shape of her helmet hair, I was never able to get a good look at her face. But I could tell that it was wrinkled and overly tanned. Maybe she’s trying to hold onto her youth, I don’t know. What I do know is that her hair was distracting.

While I couldn’t help but to stare at it, I missed that the speed limit had changed. This caused me to almost get a speeding ticket. Fortunately she did notice and when she slowed down, so did I. But only because I was staring at her hair.

I need to pay more attention.

They are rearranging where everyone sits in my office. The move is happening over the weekend, thus everyone is packing this week. That includes me. I’ve sat in this same desk for over 3 years. In that time, I’ve accumulated a lot of crap. This was my cubicle away from sanity. Over the years, I’ve accumulated quite an impressive collection of condiment packages. Soy sauce, mustard, ketchup, horseradish sauce, barbeque sauce, sweet and sour sauce, and salad dressing have filled up about half of one of my desk drawers. I had forgotten that these existed. I just kept throwing the packets in there and never pulled any out.

Today is one of my minions last day in our department; she was promoted to a new position in a different department. Since this is her last day with us, they decided to throw her a potluck. I brought in my legendary chicken enchilada casserole (yes, I cook.) as my dish to pass. It was gone by 9:00 AM; it’s that good. Someone brought in a lunchmeat and cheese tray to make sandwiches. I love a good sandwich, so I made myself roast beef and cheddar sandwich on pumpernickel. Upon taking a bite out of it at my desk, I knew it needed something. No one had brought in any condiments for the sandwiches.

Well, no problem, I just finished cleaning out my desk drawer that had the condiment packages in it, I knew where to find what I needed. Digging through the box I put them in, I pulled out some salad dressing (aka generic mayo) and horseradish. While I was doctoring up my sandwich one of my minions was asking me questions. Then we had a minor emergency on the floor I had to go put out. Forward 20 minutes later, I return to my desk to finish what I was originally doing.

While I was working, I picked up the sandwich and took a bite out of it. It didn’t take but a split second for me to realize something has gone horribly wrong with my sandwich. To say it tasted bad would be quite delicate, this tasted like licking the bottom of a road kill skunk. My gag reflex was kicking into overdrive. Before I hurled, I spit the sandwich out into the trash. Thankfully, I’m still hooked on Listerine Pocketpaks. Three of those strips took the taste out of my mouth.

Carefully I peeled back the bread on the sandwich to take a peek. There, between the lettuce and the meat, was some kind of opaque, green-yellow colored substance with the consistence of baby snot. Sick baby snot! It didn’t take much for me to figure out what the hell that was. Apparently, those condiment packages only last so long, I was looking at the congealing mixture of horseradish and generic mayo gone bad.

The two different rancid substances mixed together had created some kind of chemical reaction. Noticeable distortions in the air were visible around it. The stench was god-awful and it cause my stomach to contract so violently I was sure I was about to spew forth the entire contents of not only my stomach, but also my entire bowel. I am not kidding when I tell you that I think I created life. A life that did NOT want to exist and it new who its creator is.

It might have been my gagging or some psychotropic side effect, but I swear the stuff started to pulsate and move. Grabbing the sandwich, I carried it to a trashcan at an empty desk and threw it away. There was no way in hell that sandwich was staying anywhere near me. I figured let someone else enjoy my stinky creation.

Then I threw away all the condiment packages. I don’t want to risk making the same mistake twice.

A chip off the ol' windshield.

Friday, Ktreva and I were driving home from work in my truck when a stone kicked up by another vehicle chipped my windshield. That didn’t piss me off, as much as it annoyed me. I’ve owned a vehicle for 16 years of my life and this was the first time I ever had a stone chip my windshield. I called a local repair place and had it Saturday morning to have it repaired. Since I was having a repair done, it was filed to my auto-insurance whom waived the deductible and paid for the whole thing. Yay comprehensive insurance!

Sunday on the way down to Fritzfest (A post with pictures will be coming later tonight); another car kicked up a stone and chipped my windshield again! Now I’m pissed off. I know it wasn’t intentional, but to go 16 years with out this happening and having it done twice in 3 days is enough to annoy and anger just about anyone.

I called the repair place again and set up another appointment. The receptionist recognized my name and vehicle and said, “Didn’t we just fix your truck on Saturday.� Informing her that they indeed had, I went on to explain what had happened. I’ll give the receptionist credit, she sounded genuinely sorry about the whole situation. I was expecting laughter and some jokes, that’s what I would have done. Not her, she was trying to comfort me and telling me how sorry she was about the whole situation. To say I was a little uncomfortable with her reaction would be an understatement.

Next, I called my insurance and explained what was happening to them. The representative at my agent’s office was having a hard time understanding what was happening. It took 20 minutes of explaining to get her to understand that there will be two claims for the same type of service. Those claims will be coming from the same shop, yet each claim will be a different day. Because the shop is repairing the windshield twice, once for the original nicked windshield and again for a second nicked windshield. I still don’t understand what part of, “A second stone chipped my windshield after I had it originally repaired. I’m going to have the same place fix this one too� was so hard to comprehend.

Hopefully this repair will go as smooth as the last one.

So close, yet still failed.

As a follow up to my earlier post, tonight when I emptied the remnants of the then warm keg I measured the amount of sweet golden nectar that I was pouring down the drain. It came out to be just over 6 pints. Six pints people! That’s about three quarters of a gallon. I could have finished that off!

I would have been able to shite through a strainer, but I could have finished that off. If I only hadn’t let it go warm! Why, why did I do that?

When chihuahuas attack!

I noticed that I was getting a lot of google hits for “Pack Of Angry Chihuahuas Attack Officer�. I just had to see what the heck was going on so I brought up google and checked, sure enough I find this story, Pack of Angry Chihuahuas Attack Officer.

When I wrote this post, I was warned you! I foretold you all that this was going to happen. Now I’m just waiting for them to open up hunting season!

Don't ever get this Drunk

Overload.

ARGH!!!!!

One of my peers has this week off. I’m doing both his and my job.

I’m also attending five meetings a day to give the “good� news about goal changes for next year.

There is a reason they have two people to do both jobs, there just not enough minutes in an hour to get all the stuff done for both jobs each hour.

Throw in meetings, even if they only take 15-30 minutes and you have even less time.

Something has to not be done when this happens, which is usually my peers job. People get upset if they request time off and you don’t approve it right away.

All this has caused my brain to think funny thoughts….

Salt looks better on a margarita glass then on the road…

…I hate margaritas.

To gift or not to gift.

Yesterday morning, I bundled up the family and braved the great world of retail. We had to do some more Christmas shopping and it was just easier to do it early on a Sunday then any other time. The stores weren’t as crowded. Don’t get me wrong, they where still crowded, just not AS bad. Yesterday’s little excursion just cemented my opinion on something.

People just don’t understand gift giving/receiving, including myself.

Ever since I can remember, I always hated Christmas shopping. I’ve been thinking about why that is since November when I started doing this years. The first thing I concluded on is that there are two different types of gifts. The true gifts where you want to buy somebody something and the obligatory gifts where you feel you have to get someone a gift.

When I want to get someone a gift, I have no problem coming up with ideas on what to get the person. Sometimes my ideas are good, sometime bad, but I always have an idea. When it’s an obligatory gift, I always have problems. I’m buying this gift not because I want to, but because I have to. This is when I start asking people what they want. In these cases, just tell me and I’ll get it for you. It cuts down on the time wasted by me. That’s not to say that I don’t ask for ideas from people I want to buy a gift. Sometimes my ideas don’t pan out or are just not feasible. Like this year, I wanted to buy Ktreva a very specific item. I traveled 4 hours round trip only to find out they didn’t have what I wanted in her size. Yes, I called first. But they don’t have a “hold policy�. My back up gift didn’t pan out either. Therefore, I had to ask for ideas.

Then there is the cost factor. I don’t know about everyone else, but I generally set a dollar limit on what I want or can spend per individual. With the amount of people, I’m buying for I want to make sure I budget appropriately. Nothing irks me more then when you ask someone what they want for Christmas and the items on the list are all at least twice, what you wanted to spend. For example, let’s say you have a sibling that you have no clue as to what to get them for Christmas. They give you a list that includes an Xbox, Play Station Portable, a new cordless drill and a 32-inch TV. You had planned to spend about $100.00 on this gift. Good luck, and of those items you can get for around that price is either going to be used or an off-brand POS. When/if I’m asked what I want for a gift, my answer is usually, “Nothing.� I don’t want people wasting their time or money buying me something. If they push the issue, I’ll give in and tell them to get me a gift certificate to some store. That way I can pick out what I want. If they give me $1.00 or $1,000.00, I don’t care. I just hope they wanted to get me a gift and didn’t feel they had to.

Then there are the non-gifts. The gifts that are given that really aren’t for the individual it was intended. This isn’t just the Hollweird sitcom situation of a husband giving the wife a bowling ball that is sized to fit the husband. Let me give you an example, Lingerie. Guys, when you buy some sexy slinky outfit for your woman, is that really for her or is it for you? Let’s face it, it’s for you. Unless your girlfriend/wife is a stripper, you are the only person that is going to see it. According to women, the sexy stuff isn’t comfortable, so they aren’t going to be wearing it around all day. This also applies to most electronics, especially kitchen appliances. If there is a good chance that the gift giver is going to be using it about 40% plus of the time. This should not be a gift. This should be a purchase you make on some day just for the heck of it. Now, as a caveat to that, if a person specifically and adamantly requests said item, that overrules this guideline. One year I was given a CD that my wife the gift giver thought I would like. She The gift giver ended up taking it to work and kept it for weeks before I had a chance to listen to it. Was that gift bought for me or for that individual?

Gift certificates are a no-no. Why? They show a complete and utter lack of thought. Now there are two situations when gift certificates are okay. The first is when the recipient requests them. Like myself, I would rather have a gift certificate to Best Buy, Gander Mountain, even the mall then anything else. There are items that I won’t buy for myself that I won’t ask for either that these give me a chance to get. Alternatively, maybe it’s something I want to pick out for myself. Gift certificates are great in that case. Plus, I can save them up and instead of getting a bunch of smaller items; I can get one larger. I’ve bought many big-ticket items doing that.

The second situation where gift certificates are okay is if it is for a place that provides a service. Trust me, when the guys went in and got me that $100.00 gift certificate for the strip club, I was in heaven! I’m kidding, I don’t even know if strip clubs do that, but if you own one and read this… think about it! What I’m really talking about is for Spa’s, salons, nail boutiques, etc. My wife likes to go to a local spa for treatments. Since she changes what she has done, based on her mood, I don’t know which package to purchase. Even if I did, I can’t schedule it for her. Therefore, if I want to do something nice like that for her, I have to get a gift certificate. Just make sure that if you buy a gift certificate it’s at a place the recipient will use it.

I’m sure there are other no-no’s or rules to gift giving I haven’t thought of yet. If anyone has any they would like to share, I would appreciate it. This list is just what I’ve observed and concluded on this year.

Rise oh dark one, rise!

I’m getting ready to head out to help Tammi get her move on. That means I won’t be here for my normal amount of disturbing Saturday posts. Since I knew you all would be disappointed in me if I didn’t, and to prove my newfound sensitivity is gone. I found something special, just for today.

Do you have a favorite sex toy? Are you worried that it gets cold when it’s not in with you? Do you worship an ancient evil and are just waiting for it to “rise� again? If so you need this!

Yes folks, someone made and auctioned it, I just reported it. I guess maybe I should start referring to Mr. Happy as “The one eyed tentacled evil monster that is Cthulhu.�

I officially quit drinking beer.

THIS. IS. WRONG. I really wish I had not taken the time to watch this. However, being the fine upstanding arsehole that I am, I felt the need to share it with all of you. DO NOT WATCH THIS.

If you do, it’s your own fault. I don’t think I can drink beer again.

Why do they do things like this?

Going through my newsreader, I read this headline; “Deferred Success� is new term for Failure? Because my blood pressure hasn’t been high enough of late, I figured I should read this brief article.

The story is actually about a list of this year’s most “politically correct� terms. The top ten are rather musing.

1) Misguided Criminals. Leave it to the BBC and those crazy Brits not to want to offend Terrorists by calling them Terrorist. What’s next, calling politicians Misguided Profiteers?

2) Intrinsic Aptitude. The President of Harvard University used this term to explain why females are underrepresented in engineering and science. I think most of my female readers will take exception to this. Maybe the President of Harvard had some intrinsic aptitude in his speech writing ability.

3) Thought Shower. Apparently, people with brain disorders find brainstorming to be a bad idea. Since they have BRAIN disorders, I wouldn’t think they would have had time to have THOUGHT at all.

4)La Racaille. It’s French for scum… and was used to describe the Muslim rioters in Paris. Yea… that’s PC for you! Stupid French!

5) Out of the Mainstream. For all you political blogs, grab onto this baby. This describes political opponents that have an opposing opinion to your own. I always thought this was called a hippy.

6) Deferred Success. Again, those wacky Brits are at it. They don’t want their school kids feeling bad about themselves for failing, so now they have deferred success. I actually tried to use this term today in my quarterly review. When my manager asked me why I had failed to meet my goals, I explained, “I didn’t fail. I had deferred success.� Apparently, she feels this term will have the same deferred success as I do.

7)Womyn. They want to take the Men out of Women. I’m all for that. I’ve always found lesbianism to be art. However, I know quite a few ladies like the idea of men being in women. Yea, you know who you are!

8) C. E. (Common Era). This is going to replace A.D. (anno Domini, Year of our lord). What in gods name are they not trying to take gods name out of anymore?

9) The general de-Christianization of Christian holidays and making them gender neutral. You get stuff like “God Rest ye Merry Persons� and “Season’s Greetings�. Hey, let the Christians keep their holidays! What’s next, feeding them to lions? Wait a sec…

10) Australian’s not being allowed to use the term “Mate� to address members of parliament. What? No “G’day Mate�! No “Wanna throw some shrimp on the Barbie, mate?�! No “Do ya wanna mate, mate?�! That’s just wrong. What’s next, I can’t refer to the president as, “That Texas Dude�? I believe this one met with deferred success in Australia.

If I was easily offended, I think I might just be offended by the fact that they don’t want me to say, “Some woman teacher failed to teach my child chemistry because women just aren’t good in science. It didn’t help that she spent too much time brainstorming over how to teach about Terrorists and Muslim rioters in Paris in 2005AD. Maybe her hippy political beliefs are a result for the fact that her husband dumped in Australia on Christmas day saying, `Merry Christmas, Mate!’� It’s a good thing I don’t feel that way.

Celebrating your tenth wedding anniversary at age 24.

Reading through my normal daily news stuff, I stumbled across this headline: Woman weds teen, spends honeymoon in jail. I knew that reading this was not going to be the best idea, but I couldn’t help but click on the link to read the story. Just like many of you either just did or will in a second. While reading this, two things popped into my head.

The first being, what is with this rash of older women sleeping with teenage boys? When I was a teenager, you never heard of stuff like this. Moreover, some of these women are actually good looking ladies. Can’t they find a man their age? What is the attraction of a teenage boy? It can’t be the financial security or their ability to provide. Think about it. They really have nothing to offer other then awkward teenage sex. Yet these women keep picking them up! Ladies, maybe you can help me understand the mentality there. If anyone has any clue as to why a woman would do this, please fill me in.

I’m not saying that when I was 15 I wouldn’t want some woman using me as her sex toy. I think that is every teenage boys dream. Stuff like this just never happened when I was a kid. This is a relatively new development in the last 10-15 years. If it did happen when I was younger, then the women where much better about keeping it concealed.

The second thing that stuck out to me was this little blurb:

�Under Georgia law, teenagers may marry as long as they are at least 16 and have the permission of a parent or guardian. Those restrictions are waived, however, when a female applicant is pregnant�

Okay… so if Bobby John 14 and Sally Mae 13 get it on and Sally is impregnated, they legally can marry in Georgia? That’s how I’m reading that. Is there a rash of teenage pregnancies in Georgia? I’m not saying that to be mean, I really want to know. When I was in Middle and High School, I remember girls and guys talking about getting married as soon as they turned 18. (You have to be 18 in Illinois). Some of these kids were really stupid; they were even talking about having babies.

In my mind, if this was the law in Illinois, I could see some of these couples talking it over and deciding they can’t wait until they where 16 to get married. They decide that since they want a baby anyway, they will have sex and get the girl pregnant. Some of you are probably thinking I’m exaggerating. No, trust me, I’m not. The four distinct couples I am thinking about I could see doing this. Why? In each case, the girl was pregnant by 15 because she wanted a baby!

If any of you are from Georgia and can answer the question on this law, I would appreciate it.

Die by my can...

All of us have heard at one time or another that drinking pop will kill you. This may be true, and I found a site to help you figure out how much caffeine is too much.

Go check out Death by Caffeine. "Pop" in your weight, select your favorite caffeinated beverage and see if you are drinking anywhere close to a lethal amount.

Man, it only takes 301 cans of Diet Mountain Dew to kill me. Good thing I barely drink it anymore!

I didn't want to go there anyway.

It appears that imitative 901 passed in the state of Washington. This is the law I was complaining about in an earlier post. What the passing of this law tells me is two things:

1) The people in the state of Washington don’t feel that I am mature enough to make my own decisions. Smokers aren’t smart enough to quit and Non-smokers aren’t smart enough to stay away from smokers.

2) The state of Washington is now on my list of places I never want to visit. It joins the super happy fun cities of Dallas and Fort Worth, Texas, any place in South or Central America and all third world countries.

Yep, there's that gag reflex.

I’ve seen sites where people make confessions about various things before. This site doesn’t offer much different or even anything all that orriginal. However, this confession is just wrong! (Click at your own risk!)

Excuse me while I go scrub my brain with a Brillo pad.

Spirits from the spirits.

Stumbling through various news sources, I ran across this article: 320 people arrested for sorcery. I never imagined that Sorcery was such a widespread problem in the Pacific Islands. That is now what caught my attention in this article. It was this little tidbit:

“Cargo cults believe that western goods or cargo, first encountered through missionaries and explorers, are created by ancestral spirits. They have been known to build airstrips in the jungles in the belief that planes would land with cargo.�

Huh? Let me get this straight. The belief is that ancestral sprits poof into existence various items made the west (America, Europe, Mexico and to be honest China), put them on airplanes and deliver them to these people. Well once I put it like that, it sounds like BS that no one in a right frame of mind could believe. Maybe it’s more like the ancestral spirits were responsible for western culture to invent, produce and ship the items to them. That sounds more plausible, yet still hokey.

Now for their belief is that if they spend hours building airstrips, their ancestral spirits would have planes land with all the goodies they want. How are the planes going to know where to land? Why would some manufacturer or distributor ship anything to Bumblehead Island in the South Pacific? Has this ever worked?

Because if this actually works I’m starting an Alcohol cult here in the Americas. We are going to clear out cornfields to make landing strips so that my ancestral spirits will deliver planes full of good Scotch whisky and beer from the UK. (Hey, I like Guinness, Murphy’s, McEwen’s, etc.). This at least makes more sense… well to me. My Ancestral Spirits will be delivering my ancestral spirits (As in booze). I’m of Scottish decent. Looking at my family history, they would all want me to have the best liquor. I mean we are talking about a family that has traditions steeped in drinking, well on one side of the family.

The problem of recruiting members wouldn’t be that difficult, if it works. I think I might be able to find a recruit or two.

Forget Apple, bring on the new Pumpkin!

With computer technology growing in leaps and bounds, it’s nice to see there is a homegrown industry still out there. In all seriousness, I’ve been known to carve pumpkins before Halloween, and carve them up with swords after. This guy however made a functioning computer out of one. This would be cool if it wasn’t for the fact that after a week it would start to rot. In addition, after 12 hours of serious blogging your house would smell like burnt pumpkin pie!

Lunch time fun

Today for lunch, I decided to eat something I haven’t had in a long time. After speaking with my wife, we decided to hit a nearby restaurant to pick up some take out after we ran some errands. During our excursion, I was excited at the prospect of eating one of my favorite dishes. Even more appealing was watching people’s reactions to my eating it at work.

Sushi is one of those dishes that not everyone likes, or can stomach watching other people enjoy. Most of my minions fall into later category, they avert their eyes and cover their facess like it might magically leap off the tray and land in their mouths. This is part of the appeal of my getting sushi for lunch. I love walking around eating it; savoring the taste and texture, while people watching me in disgust. Their reaction makes the meal even better; it’s like a mental MSG that just enhances the flavor!

Today’s lunch was even better then I had anticipated. While ordering my normal spicy tuna rolls, I decided to get a couple of other items, White tuna and Shrimp. When the order came out, I checked the bag as I normally do with take out. Opening the bag, I peeked in and saw two shrimp heads peeking back up at me. Never before had I ordered the shrimp sushi from this restaurant before, thus I had no idea that when they make the shrimp, they fry the heads and serve it with the rest. The heads come complete with cloves for the eyes. To say I found this amusing is an understatement. I almost burst out laughing in the middle of the restaurant. I knew I was going to have fun with this one!

The two-block ride to work seemed to take an eternity. By the time I arrived at my desk I could barely contain my mirth and excitement over the ensuing hilarity. Since I had never ordered shrimp sushi from this restaurant before, I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to eat the shrimp heads or not. While debating with myself on whether or not to eat it, I noticed that the heads appeared to be dipped in some kind of batter and fried. Okay, I decide that I should eat the shrimp heads.

Taking my tray of sushi, I start walking around; acting shocked and hurt when people will not accept my offer to try my sushi, especially the shrimp heads. By all that is good and right in the world I swear that one of my minions almost threw up upon catching site of the shrimp heads. Not all of my minions dislike sushi I do have a couple that genuinely enjoy it. When I came around to one of their desks, she took me up on the offer to have a piece. Right away, she noticed the shrimp head and asked if I was going to eat them. As if I knew what the hell I was talking about, I responded I was. She said she wanted to try the other one. All right, I have a partner in the shrimp head eating. She took one; I took the other and prepared to start eating.

The people sitting around her all stopped to watch. Looking at the shrimp head you could tell it still had the shell on… and the feelers and little legs where still attached. Yet the whole thing was battered and fried. I guess that technically doesn’t make it sushi, so I don’t know what the hell it was actually, but it came with my shrimp sushi (the tails over rice). Not sure exactly if how you are supposed to eat this, I just popped the whole thing in my mouth and crunched down on it.

My minions looked on in horror as if I had just eaten a baby. Apparently, the crunchiness of it made for interesting noises they could hear, which makes sense since the sound inside my head was deafening. One of my minions hurriedly turned her back on me and turned an interesting shade of green. Another squealed, “I can’t believe you ate that� Even my minion who likes sushi looked at me in horror. She was shelling the shrimp head and just eating the meat out of it. Multiple people uttered the phrase, “I think I’m going to be sick.� Me, I just smiled and pretended to enjoy it.

Yes, I said pretended. It was damn nasty. It crunched like… like… like hardened shrimp casings! I could handle the extra crunchiness, but the taste was horrible. It tasted like… like… like the smell around a commercial fishing pier. It also didn’t smell to pretty, it smelled like it tasted. Have you ever eaten something that as soon as you put it in your mouth you knew you where not going to enjoy it, no matter what? Well that was this shrimp head. Yet I continued to chew and swallow, I’ve eaten worse in my life.

Smiling the whole time while my brain screamed, “IF YOU DON’T GET THIS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH SOON, I’M GOING TO FORCE IT OUT FOR YOU!� Pretending to enjoy it, I swallowed. At this point my brain shouts out, “I meant spit it out, not swallow it… idiot!� My stomach handled it just fine; then again, my stomach probably was just happy there was food. After eating a couple of pieces of pickled ginger and a spicy tuna roll with extra wasabi, I was fine. My taste buds no longer had a residue of the vile tasting thing. My minions just watched mortified as I cheerily ate my sushi. The one that had the other head quickly threw it out stating she had lost her appetite.

I enjoyed the rest of my sushi immensely and I’ve been thinking about the shrimp heads. If I knew then what I know now, would I still eat the shrimp head? My answer would be yes, yes I would. Why? Just for the reaction, it was worth it!

If a squirrel craps in the woods...

...would anyone see it?

Chuck of Diary of a Fat Boy brought up an interesting question. Do squirrels shite? I honestly can say I never saw one actually shite before and with the number that roam my back yard, that is an amazing feat.

Have you ever seen a squirrel unload it's bowels before?

Shit Happens.

This story is not for the weak stomached. If you are easily nauseated or have delicate sensibilities, please do not read this story. Stop reading now and skip to the next post. If you keep reading, you’ve been warned. I’d put this in an extended entry, but I don’t like the way they look right now and I don’t have time to play with the HTML.

Last night after dinner, I was sitting out on the front porch with my wife and our friend Anathematized. My neighbor from across the street comes over and asks me if I had a problem in my basement. He said that the Rock River Water Reclamation district had been out here earlier in the day working on the sewer. He tells me that they had come out to do a routine cleaning and had hooked a hose up to the fire hydrant. They then proceeded to squirt this high-pressured water into the sewer. When they did so, they back washed raw sewage into his basement. He was coming over to advise me to check mine.

It was a hot day, in the 90’s; I figured if I had raw sewage in my un-air conditioned home that I would have smelt it. To play it safe I put on my shoes and went to check. I opened the door to the basement. A hot pungent smell assaulted my senses. I mumbled, “Shit.� I wasn’t trying to be literal. I go down the stairs and turn the corner towards our washer and dryer. Stopping dead in my tracks I exclaim, “HOLY SHIT!� However, there was nothing holy about this fecal matter. There on the floor of my basement is three inches of fecal matter!

I have a limestone walled basement, thus I get a lot of moisture down there in the summer, even in a drought. We have two dehumidifiers to battle this problem. With the extra “moisture� both had filled up and kicked off. Combine the moisture with the heat of the fecal matter and the already hot temperature; you have a sewage sauna. For the first time that I owned my house I was glad that when some previous owner decided to replace the basement floor with concrete; that they didn’t do a good job. The floor is uneven and tends to slant, not intentionally, toward one corner. Most of the raw sewage was contained to about a third of the basement, up to the ankle at the deepest point. Trust me on the depth, *I* know. Unfortunately, there are all kinds of raises and hollows, including a dike that keeps water from flowing into the floor drain.

The sewage was puddled over the floor drain, yet it wasn’t draining. I needed that drain to work or there was no way for me to clean this up. Taking one look at the work boots I’ve owned for two years I mumbled, “I need new shoes anyway� and stepped on in. As I waded toward the drain, I noticed it was getting deeper and deeper. This is how I know it was ankle deep… I was thankful for the waterproof work boots. I get to the drain. I can’t see anything through the thick dark sewage. Using a squeegee broom I had as a lever, I removed the cap from the drain. This caused a whirlpool of this chocolaty looking substance… with peanuts. I then ran our hose down the basement and started to squeegee and rinse out the fecal material. I own a five-gallon shop vac, but it was easier to use the squeegee broom and push it down the drain. My wife had picked two of these brooms up at the Boone County Faire last year… I can honestly say they are the best investment I’ve made in a cleaning tool… EVER! It would scrape the floor clean and then watch, as the poo water would fill back in. If I had used the shop vac, I would have had to empty it more often and probably make a bigger mess. All was going well until the fluid stopped going down the drain. I tried to see if any big… chunks… had clogged the pipe. Nope, that didn’t work. I sent my wife for my snake. Failure again, I don’t have a large industrial snake for pipes that big, it just wasn’t strong enough to “grab� onto the problem. It did tell me though that the clog wasn’t very deep in the pipe. I grabbed the only latex gloves I had put them on. These gloves were first aid gloves that only went to my wrists. I prayed the raw sewage wasn’t that deep as I reached for the hole. Wait… you don’t think I’m sticking my hand down there do you?!?!? Are you kidding me? That is other peoples urine, feces, used toilet paper, used tampons and whatever the hell else the flushed. I used the Shop vac I told you about earlier and sucked the damn fluid out of the drain. When I did so I was able to fit the nozzle far enough down the pipe to grab and remove the obstruction. Yes, it is what you are thinking of; no, it didn’t look like a baby ruth!

While cleaning I discovered that the point of origin was the toilet I have in the basement. Apparently, it exploded out of the bowl like geyser spraying all over the walls and tank. The area around the toilet looked like it was hit with by sCategory 3 hurricane!

Fortunately, most of the stuff that we store in the basement is in Rubbermaid containers. We only had three cardboard boxes that were ruined. However the items on the inside where undamaged we just pitched the boxes. We did have some laundry that was stacked on the floor that was ruined, including some re-enacting costuming. Other items needed cleaning. I think we probably lost about $500.00 worth of items. Moreover, three hours of my life I’ll never get back that I spent wading in shit. Excuse my language please I’m still pissed off. (Pun not intentional.)

After the clean up I looked up information on the Rock River Water Reclamation District. They have a “24 hour 365 day a year� emergency number for back ups. I called that only to find the number is disconnected. I called them this morning during business hours and spoke with a supervisor to file a complaint. I was told that they do a routine cleaning of the pipes every 5 years. They where called out yesterday because they where told there was a back up. They use a high-pressure water system to clean these clogs out of the sewer. It usually only takes 1-2 tries with this system to move the clog, however this time they had to use 4 attempts to dislodge it. If the pipe leading to your house is by where the clog is it can force the water back up the pipes and into your basement. Clogs caused by Tree Roots, grease or objects flushed down a toilet do not constitute negligence on their part. (I do agree that they are not responsible for someone pouring grease, condoms, and toys down the drain or doing la caca grande) They do not clean up messes that are made. If I feel that my issue was a result of their negligence then I can file a claim with their insurance.

Since it exploded out of my toilet, I feel this was negligence. As a reasonable person if a normal clog only takes one or two attempts to remove it, I would have thought they would have attempted to use the auger the supervisor told me about instead of continuing to blast raw sewage into people’s basements. I figure if I file and they deny, then at least I tried. What’s the worse that’s going to happen? They back more sewage into my basement.

Speaking of which when the supervisor called me back he told me that they were still having problems in that neighborhood and where out there again today working on it. That means that I could come home to another Fecal Funland in my basement.

Prison Wine!

The latest entry of Steve Don't Eat that! is up over at The Sneeze. This time he made and drank his own home made "prison wine".

This guy has a flair for making the art of ingesting some of the nastiest stuff on the face of the earth hilarious. If you haven't seen these before, go back through the archives. Just don't be drinking anything.

This is just kind of creepy

I was sirfing through the net hitting various websites when I found this.

Okay, I admit I have certain Princess Leia fetishes, including dressing my wife up in a human version of this costume for my own nefarious sexual reasons. Based on that, I'm just wondering what kind of sick puppy (pun not intended) not only thought this was a good idea, but would actually buy one to put their dog into.

I know many a Star Wars geek out there is probably thinking, "Wait, that isn't so bad." All I have to say to that is, "DUDE! You dressed your dog up in the sexy Princess Leia outfit. What in the hell where you planning on doing with it while it was dressed like that? It's damn near time for you to turn off the computer, crawl out of your parents basement, perform some personal hygene, see the sun for the first time in 15 years and deal with people face to face. Finding a girl and getting laid(By a human other then yourself) wouldn't hurt either!"