Miasmatic Review

How long would you survive?!

Harvey from Bad Example sent this to me, he knows I love zombies. It's interesting to note that a couple of my contingency plans seems like it will work out!

Source: Online Classes

Zombie's don't run.

For years I've been complaining about running zombies, they just can't run. But now Simon Pegg, of Shaun of the Dead fame, has written an article regarding the problem with running zombies titled The Quick and The Dead (Not to be confused with the craptacular Sharon Stone, Leonardo DiCaprio, Gene Hackman, Russell Crowe movie).

...ZOMBIE DON'T RUN! I know it is absurd to debate the rules of a reality that does not exist, but this genuinely irks me. You cannot kill a vampire with an MDF stake; werewolves can't fly; zombies do not run. It's a misconception, a bastardisation that diminishes a classic movie monster. The best phantasmagoria uses reality to render the inconceivable conceivable. The speedy zombie seems implausible to me, even within the fantastic realm it inhabits. A biological agent, I'll buy. Some sort of super-virus? Sure, why not. But death? Death is a disability, not a superpower. It's hard to run with a cold, let alone the most debilitating malady of them all.

More significantly, the fast zombie is bereft of poetic subtlety. As monsters from the id, zombies win out over vampires and werewolves when it comes to the title of Most Potent Metaphorical Monster. Where their pointy-toothed cousins are all about sex and bestial savagery, the zombie trumps all by personifying our deepest fear: death. Zombies are our destiny writ large. Slow and steady in their approach, weak, clumsy, often absurd, the zombie relentlessly closes in, unstoppable, intractable.

I couldn't sum it up better myself.

SWEET!

For all of my re-enacting friends I have great news. I have a lead on zombies in the 18th century. Okay, they called it the walking dead, not zombie... but same thing!

I

AM

SO

EXCITED!

Update: I have documentation that they called them "Zombys" in 1697.

"Auteur(s) : Blessebois, Pierre-Corneille (1646-1700?). Auteur du texte
Titre(s) : Le zombi du grand Pérou, ou La comtesse de Cocagne [Texte imprimé] / (par P.-C. Blessebois)
Publication : [S.l.] : [s.n.], 1697
Description matérielle : 145 p. ; in-12
Note(s) : A la fin : "Portrait de la comtesse de Cocagne : vers irréguliers"
Titre alternatif : La comtesse de Cocagne""

That's why they are limber!

I always wondered how Zombies were able to stay so limber even with the onset of rigor mortis. Apparently they do yoga!

Motorboatin', Bunkers and Zombies.

We were supposed to go on a vacation this week. We were headed to Wyoming to participate in the 1838 rendezvous there. Unfortunately multiple factors arose and we ended up not being able to attend. The close to $800.00 gas fun was just part of it. So instead of doing some big elaborate vacation this year, we decided to take a smaller more local staycation. You know, where you stay home and take day trips to places.

Friday started off easy. We took the boys to go see WALL-E. It’s not a bad movie. It was amusing, there is a bit of hippy, save the planet message to it, but it’s easily ignored. The boys really loved it.

Saturday Ness was sick so I took the boys and we went to see our re-enacting friend, Smokepoles, go “motorboatin’”. Well okay, it’s some kind of powerboat, I know he told me but I really can’t remember. All I know is that they are little boats, but they move pretty fast on the water. I keep calling it “motorboatin’” because I called it that one time and his reaction was hilarious.

Smokepoles is the well-groomed mountain man in the tie-dye t-shirt.

We didn’t get to see any racing. The weather was not cooperating. Wind speeds were too high for them to allow the boats on the water. They had a guy go out and take a couple of laps to see what it’s like, but at one point the guy about flipped the boat. These things are basically wings the skim the surface of the water. If they go too fast apparently they fly… and they don’t like it when that happens, something about crashing and death. We were going to stick around and talk just in case the weather broke and they got to race. But the rain came through and just drenched everything. I also learned that boats can’t get wet. I’m not sure why, but as soon as the talk of rain started everyone tarped their boats so they wouldn’t get wet.

On the way back to Rockford, I took the scenic rout and I was telling the boys some history of Rockford and Camp Grant. Camp Grant was built in 1917 and was used as a training facility during World War 1 and World War 2. As we drove through New Millford and I was telling them about the bunkers at Atwood Education Center. Boopie made the comment that he really wanted to see one. So I pulled into the park area, we crossed the footbridge over the Kishwaukee River and headed to the bunker.

Since this area was part of a target range and training facility there are signs all over the place warning of the dangers.

I had attended numerous outings in this park when I was younger. In fact I know that I personally have been in at least three bunkers on the property. As a kid I found shell casings there, in fact I’m pretty sure somewhere in the house I still have one. Another time while we were doing a canoe trip down the Kish one of the groups I was with found a rusted out old leg trap. I was also with a group that found a hand full of lead bullets while we were looking for insects during an activity. They aren’t kidding when they say that you can find stuff out there. I know that sometime between 1996 and 2004 the Army Corp of Engineers went out and policed the area looking for unexploded ordinance. They cleaned up some 2,500 rounds if memory serves. They had a sign out there stating as much, but I can’t find anything online.

We did find a bunker for the boys to look at. They really were nervous getting close to it. It had to coax them into standing next to it so I could get a picture.

Saturday night Boopie had a friend spend the night because on Sunday we were going to have a Zombie Movie festival. We watched 4 Zombie Movies, Diary of the Dead, Redneck Zombies, Zombie Town and Undead or Alive. Other than Redneck Zombies, the boys really liked the movies.

So if you don’t hear from me for a couple of days, don’t get worried. We just got busy having fun.

Grrrrrr Arrrrggggh... Sexy?

Okay, I thought I had posted this years ago, but I can't find it in my archive. As we all know I have a bit of a zombie infatuation. Yes, I admit that it may be a bit on the unhealthy side, but that's okay. It could be worse, It could be candles.

Much to Ktreva's chagrin, friends of mine encourage my obsession with zombies by sending me news stories or articles. Well this morning I log on the computer and T1G sent me a link to Zombie Pinups.

Yea, Ktreva is not going to like this at all.

The Last Stand 2

Here's a fun little time waster, The Last Stand 2. The point of the game is to survive a zombie invasion by making it to a coastal town, Union City, with in 40 days. It's not as easy at it seams.

Poultrygeist

I really don't know what to say about this. It's, um... different?

And if that wasn't enough, heres the really NSFW, ultra violent trailer.

Those Troma guys really know how to make movies.

That reminds me, it's about time for another Cheesy Movie day.

Better than a yard Gnome

And I like yard gnomes! I'm just wondering how much trouble I'd get in if I put yard decorations like this around my house?

The Zombie of Montclaire Moors

or

The Zombie Returns

I'm thinking Ktreva really wouldn't appreciate those, well not as much as I would. But if I want them I can get them here and here.

Vegas is lost!

Now for an important message from the formerly silent member of Penn & Teller about the current state of Vegas after a Zombie uprising! Here is the vital message from & Teller.

After reading this I'm still not exactly sure why he made this video, but it's rather amusing.

Zombie Weddding?

We all know I love the zombie genre of movies, games and books. I'm also fine for theme weddings, I had one myself. Ktreva and I were married in a traditional Scottish wedding. All the men wore kilts and the all the ladies had on Elizabethan style gowns. The church that hosted the wedding still talks about it to this day.

For the life of me, I could never, ever do a zombie wedding. First off, I don't think I'd want it. Secondly even if I did, there is no way in hell Ktreva is going to go for it. But that is us. Apparently there are people that would and have done such a thing.

If you want to see more pictures, head over to Fun-hunter.com and check out the rest of the photos. This does give new meaning to "until death do us part." Wait, wouldn't that nullify the wedding then and there?

My vehicle wish list.

Since it's been a while since I've posted about zombies, I thought it would be okay to hit you with a couple of items today.

Over at Jalopnik they have a list of "The Best Post-Apocalyptic Survival Vehicles"

We asked you what you think the best post-apocalyptic vehicle would be, assuming you could fuel it up and were unable to stay in one place due to the lack of other resources (and likely abundance of radioactive zombies looking for a tasty brain to munch upon).

Now most of the vehicles on the list aren't even available to the general public, are one of a kind or just plain fictional. But If I had my choice, I'd want the SISU XA-185 for all the reasons they list.

I bet I'd look cool driving it too.

Dead of Night

Here is a fun little time waster for everyone called Dead of Night. You have to defend your compound from zombie hordes. It starts out easy enough, but it gets difficult quickly.

Just remember if you lose your medic, you can't heal your units.

More proof!

As we all know that I'm a big fan of zombies and I even have a zombie contingency plan. Of course many of you think I'm insane for this, but I hate to break it to you, it can happen. Don't believe me? How about 5 scientific reasons a zombie apocalypse could actually happen.

You have Brain parasites, neurotoxins, the real rage virus, neurogensis, and nanobots. So see, having those plans is a good thing.

Thanks to Shadoglare for the link!

Best Zombie Movies.

Halloween is just a couple of nights away and I’ve actually received a couple of e-mails from people asking me what would be a good zombie movie to watch. Well, I am nothing if not helpful, so here is a list of what I think are some of the best zombie movies ever.

Night of the Living Dead. The original 1968 version and the 1990 remake are both good. "They're coming to get you Barbara!"

Dawn of the Dead. I think the 1978 original is better, but the 2004 remake is still good.(even if the zombies run.)

Day of the Dead. Do not get Day of the Dead 2, Contagium. It’s not work watching.

Land of the Dead. Not the best of Romero’s work, but still good.

Return of the Living Dead. Okay the zombies are about impossible to kill, but it’s a damn funny series. I’ve seen 1-5 and enjoyed all of them. Especially if you are looking for boobs to go with your blood.

28 Days Later. Sure they aren’t real zombies, but it’s still a good movie.

28 weeks later. See above, only add the fact that it’s a respectable sequal.

Brain Dead (AKA Dead Alive in the US). See Peter Jackson’s Genius before he did the Lord of the Rings.

Evil Dead Trilogy (Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2, Army of Darkness) Okay, it’s not really a zombie movie, but they have zombies in it and Bruce Campbell is a god.

Resident Evil series: All three in the series are good. Again these aren’t real zombies, but who cares when you Milla Jovovich running around killing zombies.

Undead: Okay, this is an Aussie cheesy zombie movie, all I have to say is “zombie fish”

Re-Animator. It’s based on an HP Lovecraft story, and shows how doctors and scientists are the root of zombie outbreaks.

Zombi 2 (Aka Zombie in the US). This is the film by Lucio Fulci that features a fight between a shark and it’s only natural predator, the zombie.

King of the Zombies. Really this is a zombie movie oldie from 1941.

Shaun of the Dead. Okay, it’s a zomedy, (Zombie + Comedy), but it’s still fun to watch. Heck even Clone loves watching this one.

There you have it, what some of my favorite Zombie movies are. There are a lot others that I really like, but if I was going to fill a day with zombie movies, it would be these. Sadly I only own a couple of them on DVD. (Hint Ktreva, Hint).

Zombie Preparedness.

As Halloween is rapidly approaching I feel that it is my duty to once again and remind my loyal readers of the impending threat of a Zombie Uprising. Folks, it is just a matter of time before it happens. This Wednesday, Halloween, there is the next logical time for that uprising to happen. Now is the time to be proactive and get an Emergency Zombie Defense Station.

Don’t be a statistic during the uprising, be a survivor! Or at least add a nice Halloween decoration to your house. BTW, a hunting rifle is much better then a shotgun for zombie killing.

Thanks to Bloodspite for the tip.

Zombie Time Waster

Here's another fun little zombie game, Zombie Horde3. You need to raise money to buy more weapons, armor, ammo and health so that you can accomplish missions.

It's fun, and I lost a couple hours of my life playing it.

US Vs. Zombies

It's been a while since I' brought this subject up, but you need to know this. I have even more proof that the Zombie Threat is real. Just see this press conference that George Bush held! I mean a politician wouldn't lie to us would they?

People, grab your arms and push the undead horde back into hell!

Raptors last stand.

Tonight is the Rock River Raptors last regular season home game. It’s a must win for us. We have two games and a by week left in regular season. Currently we are sitting atop of the division with a 9-4 record, but River City is right behind us with a 7-5 record and Lexington a 7-6 record. Tonight we play Lexington. If we win tonight we pretty much clinch the division. If we lose, then we have to beat Sioux Falls next week at home in hopes of winning the division. The problem is that Sioux Falls is on a 32 game wining streak and sitting atop the other division.

That means that tonight’s game should be a good hard-hitting game. So any of you football fans out there want to go have some fun, tonight at the MetroCentre is your chance.

I’m not saying that the Raptors and their organization listen to me or that I have any influence with them. But I do think they like fans like Bruce and myself. We really get the crowd involved. So occasionally they like to throw a little something back our way. Like last week. During half time the Dynomites did a zombie themed dance routine to Michael Jackson’s Thriller.

Football and zombies, how perfect is that?

It's the end of the world as we know it.

Why didn’t any one tell me? I mean I’m on all the mailers, the distribution lists and all the alert services. In fact I’m part of The Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency (FVZA). Yet, it took the diligence of CalTechGirl to advise me that today is Zombie Uprising day.

Well, since I found out late in the day I can’t post like the whole world is being over run by zombies, but I can share this video that Ktreva showed me. Yes, Ktreva showed me this one.

Folks, I think this again is a warning about what happens if you try to domesticate the zombie. It’s just not a good idea.

I was right!!!!!

I WARNED YOU! I WARNED YOU! But did any of you believe me?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo! But I have proof! The Rockford Register Star reports on May 25, 2007 “Watch out for zombies; the threat is real.” By Wally Haas!

Since I don’t know how long the article will stay up until the government takes it down in order to hide it from us, I’ve copied the whole thing here so as to warn all of you.

They started in North Carolina and have been making their way west. I’ve seen subtle signs that they’re approaching Rockford. We all need to be aware — the zombies are coming.

The threat of zombies taking over the country was first brought up last year in an email that was received at the Charlotte Observer.

The subject line: “This is a very serious situation.”

“Every day I see countless articles about politics, the war, and why flip-flops aren’t good for your feet, but I also see Charlotteans neglecting the important news.

“The threat of a zombie attack.

“The dead are everywhere: in our cemeteries, in our morgues, in our own backyards ... The potential for an undead uprising is huge. There is no question we’d be overcome — we would be no match for their brute strength and blind determination to feast on human flesh. Zombies don’t have a sense of mercy. I can only appeal to parents to sit down with their children and discuss emergency evacuation plans, which household items make the best weapons, and how to recognize when a loved one no longer has a soul. Please, Charlotte, concentrate on the real danger.”

Ed Williams, editorial page editor of the Observer, quickly alerted his peers to the threat. Editorial page editors, editorial writers, columnists and community conversation editors across the country, being the serious types that we are, responded accordingly.

“Oh come on. We can’t print this,” one editor replied. “It contains a glaring factual error. Zombies feast on human BRAINS not flesh. That in mind, I leave the threat assessment as an exercise.”

Some tried to be reassuring.

“Don’t worry. It’s that time of the year. We have loads of them in Ventura County, California. Only they’re called politicians.”

Others were not as dismissive.

“We clearly have been disrespecting the undead segment of our respective readerships in a less-than-politically-correct manner; hence, we owe them our apologies. One would not want to try to explain a zombie suit to one’s newspaper’s libel insurer.”

Others were more practical.

“We got that (email) in Detroit, localized. We deleted it.

“And then the zombies came … we really flogged ourselves when several were elected to the Michigan Legislature.”

Looking at the official portraits of some of the men and women in the General Assembly and reading some of the legislation they’ve proposed, I’m not sure we in Illinois didn’t elect a few zombies ourselves.

One of my colleagues said, “It wasn’t so much that they were zombies. We’ve had worse. But they didn’t complete our questionnaires so we couldn’t endorse them.”

“I think some of the Living Dead reside in Alabama. Sometimes even I wake up in the mornin’ with the zombie woof behind my eyes.”

“Clearly, this was written by someone from Pittsburgh, which is home of the ‘Night of the Living Dead,’ ‘Dawn of the Living Dead,’ ‘Day of the Dead’ and all other ‘Living Dead’ things. The living dead reside in Pittsburgh, not Charlotte.”

Pittsburgh must be a deadly place to live.

“We’ve never had to recant our support for zombies because we always couch the editorials very carefully: ‘On the question of the undead, on the other hand — oh, wait, the other hand just dropped off ...’”

“Wait uh minute, now. Are y’all suggesting that zombies don’t exist? And mocking it? I suppose next there’ll be no such thing as a gris-gris? And haints?

“I may be from South Louisiana, but I ain’t stupid. I know how to keep the zombies off-in me. (Boil a black snake, dip out some of the juice, bury it in the backyard at midnight with your underwear and two dead chickens, and you’ll be safe from zombies. Guar-ron-teed.)

“P.S. Besides, it isn’t the zombies you have to worry about. It’s the Ferengi who came back to Earth after Quark landed at Roswell in 1947. (Source: ‘Little Green Men,’ ‘Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.’)”

“You mean the Rules of Acquisition AREN’T the guiding principles of American political life already?”

“One of our people asks if this phenomenon has anything to do with global warming. ...”

“After years of watching him campaign, I’ve always thought Al Gore might be one of ’em.”

It’s an inconvenient truth that editorial writers know more about dealing with the undead than we’d care to admit.

Thank you Wally Haas, Thank you for spreading the word. And for the rest of you that thought I was a complete wack-job... see, ol' Contagion does know a thing or two about the undead.

Hat Tip to loyal friend, and true believer, Littlejoe of the now defunct Little Joe's Soapbox for sending me the link. When the zombies come, you've definitely earned your seat on the survival bus.

The last on Zombies for a while.

This is going to be the last I'm going to post on this subject for a while so I'm going to cram a couple of things into one post. First Thanks to Graumagus I now have two new t-shirts, Does Your Family have a Zombie Infestation Plan AND Guns don't kill People, Zombies Kill People. Technically he only pointed out the first one, but in ordering that one, I found the other so he gets credit for both of them. They arrived in the mail yesterday.

Next, here is a new Zombie Game, It pretty much lasts forever. This one is much more challenging then the last one.

Finally, apparently I'm not the only sick bastard out there. Someone else must have thought of hot zombie loving. I know friends of mine have heard me talk about it, but I know of two zombie pr)nos, the Re-penetrator and Evil Head (releasing soon). Both are made by the same company. The trailor to the Re-penetrator is in the extended entry. Folks, I'm not kidding when I say this video is extremely NOT SAFE FOR WORK! Do NOT click the extended entry if you are at work, have small kids around or just do not want to see hot undead action. The autoplay is stuck on, so it will start as soon as you open it.