June 16, 2005

My pain for your pleasure.

I was wracking my brain for an idea on what hellish torture I could inflict on myself for your entertainment. Some of you may remember that last month I went to a Super Wallyworld on it’s grand opening. As I tried to find a new location, nothing was coming to mind that I would be able to do right away. Then something happened last night and I tortured myself for two hours, just for your entertainment.

Anathematized came over last night to hang out with my wife and I. I was flipping through the channels at 7:00 pm CST when, I swear I heard both my wife and Anathematized say they wanted to watch a show I passed. Apparently, I misunderstood, but the damage was already done. I had stopped on the channel and decided this is what I’m going to do to myself for your entertainment. What show was on that would cause such a vehemently painful reaction from me? Why that could only be Dancing with the Stars.

After 5 minutes of watching, I decided that if I was going to do this, then I need to anesthetize myself. I went and mixed me a 32oz Jack and Coke… STRONG! With drink in hand, I continued watching. The whole premise of this show is a celebrity is teamed up with a professional dancer. They work on a dance routine and are critiqued and scored by three judges. Then the American public can vote, ala American Idol, for the couple they like the most. The team with the lowest combined score is booted off the show. The celebrity dancers are Trista from the Bachelorette, Rachel Hunter of Super Model fame, Kelly Monaco a daytime Soap Actress, Joey McIntyre of the New Kids on the Block, Evander Holyfield the boxer, John O’Hurley an Actor (Played J. Peterman on Seinfeld).

At about 7:30 I went to take another drink and realized I had empty my mug. During the next commercial I made another, I needed it folks. I had just finished thanking the powers to be that I only had thirty minutes to go when I finally caught that this was a recast from last week, the new episode is being shown immediately after. I contemplated not watching the second hour and figuring that one hour of this tripe was sentence served. Then I realized that’s not fair to you, I didn’t leave my house and I was drinking. I need to serve the full sentence. I started drinking slower to make the rest of the Jack last for the long haul.

First off, I want to say that I know squat about dancing. Therefore, my reviews of this event are going to be based on how badly I wanted to drink myself into a coma by watching each group. I’m not doing these in the order they danced, as frankly I don’t remember.

The first dancer I’m going to review is the whore from the bachelorette. C’mon people she sold herself to get married and for millions. She’s a whore! First off, she was kind of wooden and bitchy. Every time they showed her in the rehearsals, she was complaining about something. The whore is a bitch.. hmm whore = bitch.. Interesting I think I just solved the equation that was an ex-girlfriend of mine. Anyway, this girl sucked, and not in the good way. She not only couldn’t dance, she couldn’t smile. Plus her professional dance partner was creepy looking. My wife and Aneth were both freaked out by the man. I just wanted him to drop the whore.

Rachel Hunter still has the goods to get my blood going. She has to be pushing 50, yet she can still bring out a stiff competition, if you know what I mean. I was having flashbacks to being a teenager looking through my dad’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues watching her move. I really don’t remember much else about her.

Kelly Monaco, okay this girl also sucks in a bad way. The only redeeming quality to her and her partner, that looked like the monkey boy played by Chris Kattan from Saturday Night live, was her costume. Even the host made a joke that they had sound guys from five networks volunteer to find a way to put a mic on her. She wouldn’t smile through the routine. I’m just glad her lovely juberlees and firm buttocks kept me distracted. She also had issues with smiling, not that I was looking at her face very often.

Joey McIntyre, This guy has something wrong with him. He was excessively happy to be out there. Every time he would take the floor, not only was he giving his biggest cheesiest grin, but also he would overact his facial expressions during the routine. I just couldn’t get past the fact that this is one of the guys my sister used to have a poster of hanging on her wall. I remember making fun of Mr. “OOOH-OH-OOH-OH-OOH White-stuff” when I was in high school. He did do one impressive move. I have to give him credit for that.

Crap, I need some Jack Daniels to continue writing this… BRB….

Okay, I’m back.

Evander Holyfield, He was probably the best dancer out on the floor… and the only reason I’m saying that is because I know he can kick my arse with out trying. He did however provide two good points. First, his partner looked like some kind of Eastern European Gypsy that was psychotic in that hot kind of way. During the second hour, her lack of costuming was distracting me. That and the fact that I swear I thought I saw her kitty, except they blurred it briefly. No one else saw it, but I know I saw a blur down there during one move! Second, I wanted him to go beat the snot out of this prissy Italian poofter that was judging. Especially when the guy said something like, “Watching you two dance is like watching the Terminator chase after Tinkerbelle.” This was somewhat true. He would fling this chic half way across the floor with out trying.

John O’Hurley, I think he was the oldest male on the floor, and part of the best team on the floor. I’m not saying he’s the best dancer, but him and his partner are the best duo on the show. They have a lot of chemistry, I mean a lot… How much? I can’t say for sure, but I would not be surprised if he isn’t doing the vertical horizontal tango with her between practices. She was touching him very possessively and he was doing the same back. Gentle caresses, glances, smiles, an improper erection. Wait, sorry no there wasn’t an erection that was me, staring at Kelly in her outfit that looked like two band-aids and a bandana, Sorry. I think the funniest thing was at the end of their dance she was on the ground in front of him, and I swear he grabbed her head like he was going to guide it to his love muscle. Aneth saw and thought the same thing so it wasn’t just me!

The judges where somewhat annoying, at least they provided a break in the dancing so my brain could recover from the seizures that where coming on. That and the Italian poofter guy had great taste in neckties. He even tied it properly, a Windsor knot.

After two hours of watching and three quarters of a bottle of Jack Daniels I couldn’t tell you who won or lost or how the scoring actually worked. I don’t care! I lost two hours of my life that I will never get back! Next month I’m definitely taking a trip somewhere. If any of you have any real suggestions, I’m open to them. It has to be realistic and unless you are going to foot the bill, pretty cheap.

Posted by Contagion in My torture for your entertainment at June 16, 2005 03:51 PM

Well, that's 2 hours you aren't getting back, and it only took me 5 minutes to read. I think I won on that deal.

By the way - I think you mean horizontal tango. Vertical would kinda be the normal way...

Posted by: Barb at June 16, 2005 03:15 PM

Reality shows - the car wreck you just can't look away from.

Posted by: Harvey at June 18, 2005 08:38 AM

Dude, I'm telling you: you have to go to Golf N' Stuff.

It's the ultimate blog-fodder hell....

Posted by: Graumagus at June 18, 2005 01:14 PM