June 17, 2005
When a foreign power not only invades your lands, but also starts to set up base. It is your right, no, it is your duty to defend yourself and eradicate them. I was in this situation recently. My front porch has been not only invaded but also settled by wasps. Wasps do not bother me in general. I have a very laissez-faire attitude toward them; if they leave me alone, I will leave them alone. This attitude tends to change once they start colonizing on my property. Especially since, I have two children that probably would throw rocks at them.
Upon discovery of the invaders, the normal peace-loving, quiet and friendly version of Contagion was replaced with General Contagion of the Supreme Armies of the House. General Contagion, with his scorched earth policies, unequaled temper and open hostility, raised a giant middle finger to the Geneva Convention. He obtained through the local black market (AKA Local Hardware Store) various chemical and biological weapons of mass destruction (AKA many cans of Raid and Black Flag Hornet and Wasp killer) along with various incendiary weapons (AKA gasoline soaked rags shoved in the end of a metal pipe). Wearing his body armor and biohazard suit (AKA shorts, sleeveless T-shirt with skulls on it, eyeglasses and Green Bay Packer hat) he armed himself to do battle.
During the evening hours, General Contagion launched an exploratory skirmish against the foe. After his recon was able to get the general location of the base, he took up position to try to observe and count the enemy. The base was heavily fortified. They had built it in a dead space in the roof of the front porch. Cursing the fates for this bit of bad luck, General Contagion grabbed his side arm (AKA Flyswatter) and a smoking rag in a pipe and tried to draw the enemy forth. This had the desired effect he was looking for, an estimated count of enemy forces. It was determined that this base was not fully operational and lightly manned. General Contagion pulled his forces back to regroup and ready for the main attack.
An Artillery barrage of Chemical weapons of mass destruction was unleashed upon the enemy’s fortification. The RAID was not as successful as planned. It seemed that the toxins used were at best 50% effective on the populous. The chemical seemed to have a better effect on the civilian population in the area then on the hostiles. The collateral damage amongst fireflies was catastrophic. We stopped counting after 20. General Contagion, sticking to his Scorched Earth policy, felt that the civilian population was more of a hindrance to his plans then an asset and the loss of them was crucial to the success of his campaign.
Finally it was time for operation BLACK FLAG. General Contagion, upon observance of the enemy attempting to recover from the first two attacks, ordered another round of artillery. The chemical weapon in this round had a much more devastating effect. A thick foam of bio-toxins and what can only be best described as an acid versus chitinous creatures. The weapon worked with a deadly and whirlwind speed. Most of the enemy troops fell with in the first 30 seconds of the attack. As soon as this sticky foam attached to them, their wings would shrivel, their little bodies would start to convulse and pulse on the ground until movement finally stopped w/in a minute of contact. Unlike the chemical agent from the RAID which seemed to dissipate and lose potency after a couple of minutes. Operation BLACK FLAG’s weapon stuck to the structure for in excess of 20 minutes with out loosing any potency. Soldier after soldier would stumble into the foam and fall to the ground in a sure death. After 30 minutes, a general victory was declared. Collateral damage included many more fireflies, some spiders, and about 50 box elder bugs. There is a rumor circulating that General Contagion in his boredom between attacks specifically ordered the attack on the box elder bugs. We have been unable to confirm the rumors. Upon questioning General Contagion, the only response we received was a boot to the arse and a “No Comment”
General Contagion observed the now ruined base for any signs of life. Upon confirmation of three hours that there has been no new activity, General Contagion held a press conference to announce his victory. With a cigar in his mouth and whisky tumbler of Jack Daniels General Contagion addressed the assembled press, “My fellow Householdians, it is my honor to announce the utter destruction of an enemy base on our soil. At approximately 5:30 PM CST, I launched an attack against a lightly manned, yet heavily fortified enemy base. By 6:30 PM, we had received confirmation that the base was in ruins and all soldiers dead. I know that not everyone agrees with the tactics used and the loss of life. I say that they were not innocent, they could have chosen a side and they did not. They wanted others to fight their battle for them. If they did not like the way the battle was fought, then they should have stepped up and done it themselves, not waited until we had to step in and take control. I will NOT muzzle my army, I will NOT be more worried about the “innocents” hiding and aiding the enemy. The neighboring households that are worried about the effects of my biochemical warfare on the environment can gum nudge my left testicle. It was not their homes or families under attack; it was ours! And we were victorious.”
The enemy fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is “Never get involved in a land war in Asia”, but only slightly less well known is this: “Never go against General Contagion when his family’s safety is on the line.” Thank you, now go away while I finish this victory drink!