Miasmatic Review

Fun with mice.

I know that I am a disturbed individual. Things that normal people don’t think about tend to be part of my daily thought process. What I find humorous is often seen as being mean. People don’t always understand my dry and dark sense of humor. However if you are playing a prank on someone whom the rest of their office views as “the bad guy”, my warped and twisted mind is appreciated. Before I go any further, I must establish that the subject of this prank is not a “bad guy”. She is a very nice person that has a tough job, the same job I do only without the mentoring aspect. In fact she would probably make a better mentor then I do because she seems to like people and has a hard time being a real hard case when she has to be. It’s just that she has to make other people do their job and if they don’t she takes them to task for it. Thus she is viewed as a “bad guy”, much like myself.

I was mainly in Chicago for a training class, however I had a lot of extra time before class, during breaks, lunch and after class. In order to check items out and try to keep up with what everyone is doing, I would take over her computer. The first time I did this she told me that her mouse was acting up and she thought she would need a new one. She had an old roller ball style mouse and the only problem it had was many years worth of dust build up on the rollers. I very easily cleaned them off using my trusty Swiss Army Boy Scout knife. In doing so I accidentally unplugged her mouse. When I went to plug it back in I discovered that her computer is very easily accessible.

I went back to class and was sitting there after I finished the assignment. I started talking to the guy next to me. He works in our tech support area and he told me they just received a shipment of wireless optical mice and they are playing with them to see if it is something that they want to extend to the entire company. As soon as he said that a light went off in my head. I asked if there was anyway I could obtain the use of one wireless optical mouse for a day. He wanted to know why so I gave him a brief synapses of my plan. He then told me he would bring me one the next day.

Thursday morning I’m in class and he shows me the mouse, all I have to do is plug it in a USB port, restart the computer; windows and the network will do the rest. This was going to be too easy! After class I went up my mentoree’s desk and asked to use her computer. I waited for her to leave and I quickly unplugged her real mouse, plugged in the new one and restarted it. I left the cord to her mouse leading to the back of the computer so that it looked like it was plugged in. When she came back I told her I had finished checking my e-mail and that she can have her computer back. This is where the fun starts.

As she sits down, I pull the wireless mouse out of my pocket and try to mimic the way she was using hers. This gave the illusion she was controlling the pointer. I didn’t do a great job, but she was used to her mouse working like crap so she didn’t think twice about it except to complain she needs a new mouse. Finally she got mad and slammed the mouse on the desk. Now I really start to play with her mind. Whichever direction she would move the mouse; I would move the pointer in the opposite direction. If she would right click, I would left click. She is starting to get mad and is telling me her mouse is really screwed up and she knew there was something wrong with it. I’m biting my tongue to keep from snickering.

Trying to be the helpful mentor that I am, I suggested she rotate the mouse so the cord is pointing towards her. At least then she could get the mouse to go in the right direction. The poor lady actually does this. Now of course as soon as she does I keep flip my mouse around so that I can mimic her motions again, thus making it look like the mouse has corrected itself and is following the movement that coincides with her mouse. She tells me the problem seems to be fixed and flips her mouse around. I do the same thing. Now however I start clicking the button to make menus and windows open.

She is getting so mad that her mouse isn’t working and the Tech area hasn’t come to fix it all day. (Because they are in on it, in fact my partner in crime is watching from three desks back). Her minions are starting to come over to see what the problem is; they however are not in the joke so they are wondering what the hell is wrong with her mouse. All was going well until one of them noticed the red light reflecting off my pants leg and asked me what that was. My mentoree turns, looks at me, I’m grinning ear to ear. She looks at the mouse in my hand, realizes what is going on and looks like she could bite the head off a hammer. I start laughing, tears are starting to fill my eyes I’m laughing so hard. Her minions are laughing now, the tech support guys are laughing. She finally cracks a smile then starts to laugh with us.

I had her going for a good thirty minutes. She felt that since I played this joke on her and “embarrassed” her in front of her minions that I should let her keep the optical wireless mouse. After explaining that it wasn’t mine and that I borrowed it from the tech support department she relented on keeping it. She then wanted to know who my contact was because in her own words, “I’ve worked in the building for 15 years and I don’t have a contact in the tech support department, you’re here two days and you have one. That’s not fair!” Unfortunately I had to deny her request. I always keep my sources to myself; it helps to protect them if I need them for another prank later on.

It was shortly after this incident she came up with the top ten reasons my mentoree’s hate me. The rest of the time I was in Chicago, her minions would go out of the way to say hi if they saw me.