July 14, 2005

Bonding time.

My wife is going on a business trip next week into Chicago. That leaves me at home with the boys. Some guys might not like the idea of having to watch after their kids for 3 days on their own with out any help. Not me, I’m kind of looking forward to it. We are going to do all kinds of manly-man guy activities. I have a list of things that I have wanted to teach the boys, but I can’t while my wife is around. There is too great of a chance that she would interfere and ruin my tutelage. Now I’m sure some of you are assuming this is teaching them stuff like controlled burping, skinning animals, Fire fun or fighting. All of you would be wrong, not this weekend. This weekend I’m going to work on the art of womanizing, ogling and flirting with girls.

It is time for Boopie to start learning some of the tricks of the trade. Sure, I could be like most fathers and let him discover it on his own and make the same mistakes most guys made, buy why? Being as I am a father is it not my duty to instruct my boys on various skills that are needed? Why should I let my son make the same mistakes I made growing up? To me that is just cruel, amusing, but cruel. Now I may be rusty in my skills. There is no need for me to practice them since I’ve been married. Sure some people say, “Just because you are married doesn’t mean you are dead.” I, however, subscribe to one of the greatest philosophical minds of the last 15 years, Homer J. Simpson. Who once said, “Marriage is like a coffin and every kid is a nail in it” Due to my rusty skills I am going to have to spend extra time on each subject. I figured that since I only have three days I’m going to have to focus on three very important aspects of trolling for chicks.

First is the “Check her out with out her noticing” ability. We’ve all been somewhere and seen a guy fall over himself to check out an attractive woman. Maybe it was at the mall, the grocery store or even possibly at work, but it happens way too often. What is even worse is when the guy is with one girl and is caught checking out another. Hilarity ensues when the girl he is with proceeds to pour a 36-ounce coke down his pants. There is however, a way to check out girls with out the subject or even your date realizing what is going on. I mastered this technique when I was in college. I can look a woman in the eye having a nice conversation and still be checking out the three girls around her simultaneously. This is a hard trick to master, so I figured I should start early. There are a lot of guys that can do this, so ladies if you feel you are never being checked out, you’re wrong. The guy is probably being nonchalant about it.

Second is the most important aspect of picking up a babe, Attitude. Woman might not like to admit it, but the nicest, “sweetest” guy could ask them out and they will turn him down if he doesn’t have the right attitude. I’ve seen butt ugly guys pick up girl by having the right attitude for the moment. Females say they want a “nice” guy, they lie to themselves. They only truly want the nice guy after the mean guy has hurt them. Ladies before you go to tear me a new one, just hear me out. This may not be true with all women, but I swear 95% of them it is dead on accurate. Every female I know, beyond an acquaintance, that is in a happy long-term relationship is there because some bad boy hurt her emotionally. She then went on to find a nice guy and is now happily with him. This doesn’t mean that I’m going to teach my boy to be a jerk to women, no. You can use the proper confidence and determination to camouflage the nice guy with in. That is what I’m going to teach my boy, how to have confidence and determination with women.

Thirdly I am going to teach the boy how to bring the women to him, how to make a woman instigate the contact. This has nothing to do with coy looks or body language. That is all covered in attitude. I will teach him how to use “bait” for his trolling. In this case we are going to use the most coveted of all baits… little children. For this lesson, I will take the boys out to the store and maybe to dinner. I will use Clone and his blue eyes to demonstrate how women can be lured in by something and use that to start a conversation with them. You think I’m kidding? Clone once was responsible for my getting four cases of pop free. I had told her that I was buying five cases of pop after putting one on the belt. She acknowledged that I had five total before Clone worked his magic. HE was flirting with the cashier at the store, which started her and I talking. Clone continued to flirt and the cashier and I joked about it. I didn’t realize she only rang me up for one case of pop until I got home. I called the store to advise that I had been under charged, they said they appreciated my honesty and to keep them. Well a similar trick can be done with women. I know that with out trying I’ve gone to the store with Clone and ended up talking to some very attractive women just because they came over to see him. If I were single, I’d be using him to get a date.

I know some of you are thinking I’m a pig. Some of you are wondering if you can baby-sit Clone. Either way, it’s my bonding time with the boys.

Posted by Contagion in Family Life at July 14, 2005 04:28 PM | TrackBack

Well, you have your son well set up. I dread to think what your procedure would be for daughters!


Posted by: Sally at July 14, 2005 05:10 PM

This from the guy who's wife says is completely oblivious when any woman tries to flirt with him ;)

Posted by: S at July 14, 2005 07:26 PM

And don't forget the cake for breakfast!

Posted by: Ogre at July 15, 2005 06:27 AM

I'm thinking you should try introducing them to alcohol.

It's never to young to get them started on good beer.

Posted by: Machelle at July 15, 2005 07:06 AM

If Wil was home to comment he would say "Hey boys how about going to Hooters for dinner!" Although I hate to admit it, but Wil is right they do make the best hotwings:) Hope you have fun during bonding time. Maybe if more fathers were like you, the prisons wouldn't be so over crowded today. Anyhow enjoy your kids while there young. Before you know it you'll have the empty nest like us. Two in college and one leaving for the marine bootcamp in August.

Posted by: Red at July 15, 2005 07:18 AM

include the following lessons...
chivalry, offering jackets, pulling out chairs, holding doors open. Always a hit.
good listening...

Posted by: ArmyWifeToddlerMom at July 15, 2005 11:44 AM

Too funny! I hope my husband does the same for our boys.

Posted by: vw bug at July 15, 2005 05:11 PM

That's just sad... but true. Clone is very, very flirty... and cute!

Posted by: Virtue at July 15, 2005 07:57 PM

And you're going to do all this in one weekend... with a 2 year old? LOL!

Posted by: Bou at July 16, 2005 09:34 AM