July 18, 2005

Contagion in Peril Day 1

My wife left for Chicago just over 24 hours ago. I knew there was going to be problems the moment I left her with a co-worker that is going in with her. As I climbed back into the van to head home, Clone started screaming for Mommy. I tried everything under the sun to get him to calm down. I even resorted to singing The Wiggles' tunes. Nothing seemed to work. Digging through my wife’s van I found one of my Queen’s Greatest Hits CD’s (Little thief is stealing my music and hiding it on me again!). Popping it into the CD player, I turned up the volume so we could rock to it. Appropriately enough, “We Will Rock You” started playing. At a stop light, I was teaching Clone to clap along with the beat and he calmed down. We ended up listening to that song 4 times on the ride home. When it was over, he started screaming for more, as long as he stayed quiet and wasn’t screaming for “Mommy”, I was happy.

Once we got home, Clone decided Daddy sucks and wanted nothing to do with me. He wanted Mommy, Grandpa, Grandma, or Aunt Stacy. I figured it was time for daddy to show him how we could have fun. I ordered dinner for us. He had his favorite, pepperoni Pizza. Which made him a happy little boy then. Afterwards I played with him doing puzzles, cars, catch and tag. We both quit playing the overly active games rather quickly. Our region set a record high temperature yesterday here, and I don’t have air conditioning. Too much activity made us very sweaty.

Clone cannot be left unsupervised for more then 2 minutes or he will be destroying something. After my wife was gone, my phone didn’t stop ringing off the hook all evening. I’m trying to get some work done around the house AND watch clone AND deal with people calling me for nothing more important then to tell me the new Harry Potter book is out. As if I care about Harry Potter. One of these calls was from my mother. I had just finished getting Clone a sippy cup filled with Ice water and myself a giant mug of iced tea when she called. I had set my drink down just long enough to answer the phone and start talking to my mother when Clone grabbed it. Laughing in glee, he proceeded to attempt to take a drink out of it and poured 36oz of iced tea down the front of him and onto the floor. Apparently, Daddy’s unsweetened Tea was better then his ice water he asked for. Quickly hanging up on my caller, I proceed to clean up Clone and the mess he made in his “Flashdance” re-enactment.

My evening went down hill from there. Clone would drag out his puzzles and start spreading them all over the place every time I turned my back. I would get on his case and make him help me pick them up. If I left the room to refill our drinks or go to the bathroom (Even if I tried to take him with me) He would find someway to run back and start dumping puzzle pieces all over the floor. I’ve developed a special hatred for puzzles, especially the ones with the wooden pieces and plastic knobs. Those pieces hurt like hell to step on bare foot and they blend into my wife’s rug really well! If it wasn’t the puzzles, it was matchbox cars, if it wasn’t matchbox car’s it was EVERY OTHER TOY HE HAD IN HIS TOY BOX! People, my living room looks like it was hit by a F5 tornado! If it wasn’t his toys he would go after what ever drink I had. He either wanted to stir it for me or wanted to dump it all over the place. Either way I wasn’t in the mood for either game!

Boopie didn’t arrive until after Clone had gone to sleep. His help would have been much appreciated. Once Boopie arrived and Clone was asleep I was able to get housework done. Today was my late night at work. On my late nights, I don’t have to get to work early. The extra sleep is always appreciated. Since I had to handle both boys on my own this morning, I decided to wake up earlier then I needed to. I’m so glad I did. Clone, like his mother, does not always wake up in the most pleasant of temperaments. All right, he is down right nasty! He has to do everything himself; if I try to help to expedite the process, he starts yelling, “I DO IT! I DO IT!” This leads to me asserting my dominance by taking the “Mean dad” tone of voice and explaining that if he doesn’t settle down, he won’t be able to sit down. Either that or he’ll just cry and go limp while I try to change and dress him.

Then while I’m getting him ready he wants to brush his teeth, put on his shoes; play with his toys, etc. He re-drags out all of his puzzles and books while I’m trying to get my breakfast/lunch together. Boopie is trying to get ready himself so he wasn’t able to help either. Then the damn phone starts ringing. People calling to make sure everything is okay, because they forgot it was my late night and the boys would not be dropped off at their normal time. I had a company call to try to reschedule an estimate on windows (Which I canceled because I’m not interested and told them that twice). There was also a wrong number. The whole time I’m trying to finish getting my breakfast and lunch together, get all my stuff and take care of the boys. Clone is screaming for his mommy, Boopie is asking me questions about various things, I’m trying to remember everything my wife told me to do and I knew I was forgetting something. I still haven’t figured out what it was yet either.

After 30 minutes, I had finally had enough and told the boys, “That’s it! We are going bye-bye!” I grabbed my stuff and headed out to the van. Putting the van in gear, I quickly stop, run back into the house and grab Clone who was happily coloring in a coloring book. Boopie had been talking, but I was just ignoring him at this point. He was trying to tell me I forgot Clone. I stopped by the post office and the bank, and then dropped the boys off. As I did this, I realized that I had something in my front pocket that didn’t belong there. At first I thought I put my cell phone in there. Pulling it out, I looked at it puzzled for a second… It was my home cordless phone. For what reason I put it in my front pocket is lost to me. I have never done that before and I don’t know why I would have this morning. Usually I just toss it where ever when I’m finished with it. You have to understand that I really hate the phone and I try to avoid using it at all cost. It is not uncommon for me to holler at my wife to answer the phone, even if it is sitting right next to me. I hate those vile things.

I was never so happy to get to work in my life. I have until at least Wednesday before my wife comes home. I’ve decided there is no way in hell I can make it as a single parent. I don’t have the patience or the temperament for it. It’s going to be a long week.

Posted by Contagion in Family Life at July 18, 2005 07:17 PM | TrackBack

{wiping tears from eyes} Oh this is priceless. Thanks for sharing a day of hell. I definitely needed it today after my last 2 days. Nope, I'm not writing about my last 2 days. Needlessly to say, it sucked.

Posted by: vw bug at July 18, 2005 05:51 PM

bwahahahhhaaaadeep dark laugh......

welcome to my world.......almost

Posted by: ArmyWifeToddlerMom at July 18, 2005 11:30 PM

Oh I almost forgot:

Fruit Salad, Yummy Yummy, Fruit Salad Yummy Yummy.

Hot Potato Hot Potato, Hot Potato Hot Potato, Hot Potato Cold Spaghetti Cold Spaghetti Cold Spaghetti Cold Spaghetti Cold Spaghetti Cold Spaghetti ...

Posted by: vw bug at July 19, 2005 07:50 AM

I need to look up how to ban IP addresses... (glares at VW)

Posted by: contagion at July 19, 2005 09:52 AM

"down by the station, early in the morning see the little puffer bellies all in a row." Heheheeee

Posted by: ArmyWifeToddlerMom at July 19, 2005 04:41 PM

Now you know where they came up with Calgon take me away commercial!! Welcome to the world I used to know. Just remember you've only 16 more years till the clone is a grownup!!

Posted by: Red at July 19, 2005 08:23 PM

Holy shit, I've lived that life!!!

This was hysterical! I think it's your best piece yet and you've had some funny ones.

Posted by: Bou at July 19, 2005 08:56 PM

Yea, except this wasn't fiction and only barely exagerated!

Posted by: Contagion at July 19, 2005 09:16 PM

I knew it wasn't fiction. All of us who have lived that life recognized it for what it was! That's what's so frickin' great. We can all relate.

By the way, legos hurt to step on too. ;-)

Posted by: Bou at July 19, 2005 09:32 PM