July 25, 2005

No wonder my liver is a rock.

Friday while at work, I had one of my minions tell me that they are having a little get together at a local bar for all the newbies. They invited me along since, even though I don’t really deal with the newbies until after probation, I was a part of the unit. It figures that they wait until the last minute to tell me this is happening. After advising my lovely and understanding wife that I was going to ditch her with the boys for the night and making dinner, I headed out to the bar. Originally, I was only going to show up for an hour and head out… Make an appearance type thing. Understanding my nature I realized that I probably wouldn’t get out in only an hour. When I was talking to my wife about this, I told her I’d be there an hour, or home by 10 (I arrived at the bar at 7pm). To ensure that I didn’t stay too long, I only brought $20.00 with me. Figuring that would only buy me 4-5 drinks, I knew I wouldn’t stay long if I ran out of money. If only that logic had worked.

Upon arriving there was only four other people at the bar. The two guys, and only other males to show up, where playing pool while the other two were sitting at a table drinking. Shortly after more people arrived. Around 8:00, I realized that I was going to be only one of three males at this little gathering. The reason they went to this particular bar was so they could sing karaoke. My singing voice is horrible, but I loves to sing the karaoke! Watching people cringe in pain from the sound of my voice amuses me. The karaoke didn’t start until after 9:00. By this time I was feeling pretty socially lubricated. My plans failed miserably. This was only the second work-sponsored function I’ve attended. The last one was a Christmas party last year. People where buying drinks for me, to be more precise they were buying me shots. There was still $12.00 in my wallet at 9:00 PM. When the singing started, I couldn’t help but to get into the mood. Picking a song I’ve sung many times before I entered my name into the list. Now some of you may have heard about my legendary performance of Bette Midlar’s Wind Beneath my Wings. That is not the song I performed; I performed Vanilla Ice’s Ice Ice Baby as sung by Sean Connery. I do a passable Sean Connery impersonation. Now I had the bar laughing at me, which is what I was wanting. It was meant to be amusing. I started really getting into my performance. In the heat of the moment, I started dancing… like Vanilla Ice. No good comes from that. Let’s just say there is a table and chair that will never be the same again. As for the rest of the singers, they where all pretty damn good, one of the trainers from my office that was there sang “Son of a Preacher Man”. Her voice was really good; I think she may have missed her calling.

Not long after that, the only other guys left to go to a different bar. They said they wanted to go check out some of the meat markets to find girls they didn’t work with. Personally, I think I embarrassed the hell out of them! Then most of the people from work that I actually knew left. That left me as the only guy with a bunch of females that not only worked with me, but where minions in training. Deciding I needed to get the hell out of there, I did the ultra-fast sobering technique. AKA I drank lots and lots of water, swallowing the ice cubes whole. You sober up real fast doing that. Around 11:15, I tore out of there to head home. Fortunately, I drive a big truck with four-wheel drive; cops don’t patrol people’s back yards! I’m kidding; I probably would have blown over a .08 blood alcohol level. But I was fine to drive the ten blocks to get home. Hell I could probably blow over a .08 right now. Of course, I tried my hand at not-quite sober posting in practice for the Blogcrawl. I’m going to have to get much more inebriated for that little shindig.

Saturday my wife and I were invited to a party at a co-workers house in Janesville, WI. It was my wife’s turn to drink. That made me the driver. Before we left, we had to stop at the store to pick up some foodstuffs to bring with to the party. When we got home from the store, there was a message on our answering machine. It was a desperate plea for help. Apparently, the host and hostess picked up a half barrel of beer. They had a tapper and didn't rent one. They hadn’t checked theirs and it wasn’t working properly. There was a leak in it and it made lots and lots of foam. What I found amusing was the fact that they called me for a tapper. They had a drinking emergency and the first thought that popped into their heads was, “Call Contagion, he’ll have what we need.” Even before checking with the store that they bought the keg from, they called me. Not that I blame them, I do own quite an impressive collection of drinking supplies, including a pub grade tapper. After getting my machine, and fearing I had left already, they called the liquor store only to find out they where out anyway. Being the exemplar asshole that I am, I let them stew for a couple of hours prior to my telling them I would bring it. . In fact, we told them we were going to be late arriving because of Clone. When we arrived about an hour and a half after the party started, I was about mugged by guys wanting a beer. Pulling the taper out of the truck and holding it over my head, the sun glinting off the chrome spigot, they all stopped in the tracks. A collective “AH!” was issued by the mass and I was treated like a messenger of god. Walking briskly to the keg, with a one handed move that most only get to witness in movies, I taped the keg and started pouring liquid gold to all my new disciples.

For the first time ever, I played Texas Hold’em against live people. I’ve only played in the past online or against a computer. Figuring I was just going to have some fun and be the first one out, I bought my way in. After 54 hands, I ended up winning the entire competition. Feeling obligated to play in the second round since I won, I invested part of my winnings back in. Now I was the first one out. However, I was sure I had the best hand. When it came down to showing cards, I was beaten by my opponent’s kicker card. I had a Jack, he had a Queen. It’s okay, I was still up on my winnings and I was able to drink more.

It was a fun party. The details get a little fuzzy because of the alcohol. I know there were shots again, even though these were nasty fruity shots, but I remember doing one or twenty. At one point, I know women where flashing people; my wife was included in participating in the flashing. The host was walking around showing any female that asked his sloppyrod. It was the hostess’ birthday on Sunday; her husband rented her a stripper. I don’t know if he was good or not, I stayed out on the garage drinking beer and playing cards. My wife seemed to enjoy it though. Which is fine by me, he did all the work and later I got to have the fun. I don’t care if she was fantasizing I was some stripper dressed up as a soldier, I was fantasizing she was Adriana Lima.

Posted by Contagion in Shenanigans at July 25, 2005 04:48 PM | TrackBack

I'mglad you posted a link because... once again... I had no clue who she was. You and Grau talk about all these women folk and I think, "Who?"

Posted by: Bou at July 25, 2005 05:13 PM

I am anxiously awaiting the blog crawl!

Posted by: Sissy at July 25, 2005 09:12 PM

Had we known there was so much partying going on up north we would have been there. Wil was home all weekend and enjoying being able to have a few??? drinks. It looks like our next big purchase is going to be a backyard pool. With the heat this weekend Wil really enjoyed floating & drinking several beers at his sisters house. It's a rough life, but somebodies live it!!

Posted by: Red at July 26, 2005 07:29 AM