August 02, 2005

The Traveler returns!

There are morning people and there are not morning people. Everyone falls into those two categories, or at least that is what I have been told. Now, I’m not the most personable person in the mornings but I can fake it. Over the years I have found that it is, easier to start your day if the people around you aren’t “bite your head off” pissed. My wife is another story; there is not a word strong enough to explain her personality in the mornings. Some of you that have met her might find this hard to believe, but it’s true. She is just down right nasty to be around in the mornings. After six years of marriage, I’ve noticed two things. The first being that if she felt sacrificing small animals to the gods that be would prevent her having to be up before the crack of noon, she would. The second is the fact she is getting worse. It used to be either she would ignore my existence except for the occasional glare or she would complain about anything. In the last couple of months, she has taken to snapping at the boys and me.

This morning I walk into our bathroom and I pause for a second to admire my beautiful wife. Of course, I start to grin; beautiful women always make me grin. From the corner of her eye, she sees me looking at her. Whipping her head in my direction she yells, “What the hell are you smiling for?” Attempting to save my hide, I explain I was just admiring her beauty. My loving wife then tells me to “Shut up and finish getting ready for work!” While putting goop in my hair to make it all nice and spiky, I’m apologizing for smiling at her. To which she responds with a grunt.

After finishing my hair and cologne, I head downstairs to wake up Boopie, then to make lunch and breakfast for Ktreva and me. When Boopie comes bopping into the kitchen, I warn him. I tell him, “No matter what you do, do NOT smile at your mother this morning.” Boopie, like all 12 year olds, wants to know why. With a warning look on my face, I explain that, “Your mother is in a bit of a mood this morning. Worse then normal.” Boopie then bounces out of the kitchen grinning. He says, “What ever you say dad.” Typical 12 year old, doesn’t believe what I’ve told him. Hollering after him that I wasn’t kidding, I go back to work on packing our breakfast and lunches.

Then it happened. From upstairs, I hear Clone crying (He has his mother’s love of mornings) and my wife yells, “What are you smiling at?” A heard of elephants comes flying down the stairs, a crash comes from the living room. Sticking my head around the corner to see what is going on; I can see Boopie with a look of terror on his face. He is sprawled out on the floor after tripping on some of Clones toys. My wife comes through the door holding a screaming Clone. Boopie is trying to scramble to his feet to get away as his mother attempts to wrangle him in with one hand. I’ve realized that one of my worst nightmares has come true… my wife has hit “kill” mode. Poor defenseless Boopie is frantically attempting to scramble to his feet with minimal success. If it weren’t for Clone wiggling as much as he was, Ktreva would have easily skinned Boopie.

I’m looking around the kitchen for some kind defensive device for me to use to help Boopie; hence, I missed how he actually did escape. I’m searching around for a large cutting board to use as a shield when Boopie comes running into the kitchen screaming, “HELP ME DAD! MOM’S AFTER ME!” For a second I contemplated letting her destroy him, I mean I did try to warn him and he didn’t listen. Isn’t my duty as a parent finished at that point? I didn’t think so. My wife comes crashing into the kitchen almost taking out the trashcan. Clone comes screaming in behind her wanting to be picked up.


It was murder in her eyes. One of us was going to go down. Boopie was cowering behind me. This was it folks, I knew I was a dead man. The karmic wheel has spun and is paying me back for all the mean things I’ve done to others. My wife, with a voice like Gozer the Gozerian, proclaims that we shall pay in blood for our disrespect. Boopies goes limp as he falls to the floor. Her eyes glint to him for a second and return to me. Knowing I had precious little time left before I’m wearing my rib cage as a hat, I did the only thing I could think of.

It’s amazing how the most innocent phrase can turn a super pissed off ancient Sumerian god back into a lovely and enchanting woman. It was a simple phrase that made everything okay and restored normalcy in the Contagion household. When the words, “I packed you a chocolate bar in your lunch today, because I love you” passed from my lips, all was restored. My wife smiled, tilted her head to one said and said, “Really?” We finished getting ready and then went to work.

For those of you that need a moral to this story. I have three for you. 1) When women are made at you, Chocolate makes things better! 2) Children sometimes need to learn lessons the hard way, especially when they disregard valuable advice. 3) Don’t awaken a pissed of ancient Sumerian god if you don’t want to pay the price.

Posted by Contagion in Family Life at August 2, 2005 01:06 PM | TrackBack

Oh, you are so going to pay one of these days :)

Posted by: Oddybobo at August 2, 2005 12:39 PM

LOL! My children are just starting to understand that 'look'.

Posted by: vw bug at August 2, 2005 12:48 PM

Oddy, pay for what? I gave her chocolate! It appeased her! What am I going to pay for now?

Posted by: Contagion at August 2, 2005 01:22 PM

Chocolate only lasts a short while. You appeased her now, but what happens on the day you have no chocolate? Huh?

Posted by: Oddybobo at August 2, 2005 01:35 PM

I was so afraid you were going to udder those words

"PMSing are we?"

Smart men know the power of chocolate and always keep a secret stash for appeasement.

Posted by: Machelle at August 2, 2005 02:25 PM

Machelle... It got me out of trouble... not into trouble! What kind of man would say that and expect to be saved?!?! The last time I said that I almost ended up wearing my balls for a hat!

Posted by: Contagion at August 2, 2005 04:30 PM

LOL! I hope she reads this in the evening... and not the morning.

I am not a morning person. And I love chocolate. A lot.

Posted by: Bou at August 2, 2005 04:51 PM

Chocolate make everything better, even mornings....well, sort of.

Posted by: ktreva at August 2, 2005 06:09 PM

As my sweatshirt says "Give Me Chocolate or Somebody is Going To Die!"

Posted by: Red at August 2, 2005 10:50 PM

Yeah, chocolate and a kiss usually douses the lit fuse on the tampon...

Posted by: Graumagus at August 3, 2005 12:15 AM

"precious little time left before I'm weaing my rib cage as a hat"
I'm still trying to figure out how to teach the cat when it's a weekend, so he'll let me sleep in. Not working so far - the Hubster keeps pointing out there's alwys taxidermy.

Posted by: Barb at August 3, 2005 01:05 AM