October 05, 2005

Pretty pink hell.

A couple of days ago my wife advises me she needs a new bra. One of hers needed replacing; some wire had come out and was poking her. Okay, I have no problem with her buying a new bra, that’s all fine and dandy. However, I did not see any reason to throw out a perfectly good bra. Okay, so it had a loose wire. I told her I could fix it. Guys, back me up here anytime you have a lose wire you just secure it or remove it. I could have soldered/welded/taped it back into place. Ktreva did not find this to be an acceptable solution to her problem, even as a temporary fix.

This morning she tells me she has to get a new bra today and wants to run on lunch to pick it up. Since it was morning and my brain was still groggy, I blindly told her, “Sure, anything you want.” If it had been even two hours later, I would have thought about it and found some reason not to go. You need to understand that we work together, different departments, and we generally go to lunch together. This means I have to go with her, we both rode in my truck. Normally I wouldn’t mind, but it was were she wanted to go that bothers me.

The Mall. I blame ArmyWifeToddlerMom for this; I left a comment on a post earlier today stating I was glad it was she and not I that had to go to the mall. Karma came back and bit me yet again. I’m really starting not to like Karma, I think I need to sick my dogma on it!

The Mall is the second vilest place on the face of the earth. There are things I would rather do then go to the mall, this list includes dental work, drive through Chicago at rush hour and go see a Packer game in Philadelphia (Philies fan’s treat visiting team fans the worst then any other home team fans). When Ktreva told me she wanted to go to the Mall I actually felt an icy grip on my stomach grab and twist. Trying as hard as possible, I tried to convince her to go anywhere else… Target, Kohls, K-Mart, even Walmart to no avail. What she said next is what almost made me scream in horror.

Ktreva, “We have to go to the mall because I only buy bras from Victoria’s Secret.”

Me: (Falling to my knees, eyes widened in fear, head turned to the heavens) “NOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooo! Oh Jebus! Why?!?!?!”

This was a double whammy. Victoria’s Secret is probably my number 5 most vile place on Earth. The mall being the second most vile place on Earth is pretty bad, throw in Clitoria’s Secretion Victoria’s Secret and this is pure hell, and not the good hell, but the bad hell. You know the really bad hell, watching Lifetime movies instead of football hell. I despise having to go into that store. Just like a Jeff Foxworthy routine, bad things happen to me. Today was no different.

We arrive at the mall and I can feel my pulse start to rise. Everything is okay, no urges to run back to my truck… yet. The mall isn’t very crowded at all, so we are able to make our way quickly to the store. Don’t get me wrong there are still too many people there for my comfort. Confirmation that my “mall” face is on when I make eye contact with a local cop patrolling the mall and HE averts his eyes and changes the direction he is walking. The crowd of on coming people parts around me like a school of fish avoiding a shark. Then we arrive at the store.

There it is in all of its pink glory with tables and displays of bra’s and panties. They pick some of the most interesting colors of pink. I still don’t understand why they use pink; it’s not a good color for a store. It’s not as if they have to make sure people understand it’s feminine. Bras and panties are for women, I have yet to meet a man that wears them. That I know if… (Eyes Bad Example Family closely). The doors to this pinkish hell are wide-open, inviting people in. The glass on both doors is reflecting the pink interior giving it a resemblance of the labia, opened and inviting you to enter.

In we walk

Ktreva finds the bra style she wants. How many different styles of bras do females need? By all that is good and right in the world I’m not kidding when I say they had at least 100 different styles. I’m not talking different colors, but different styles. Every way I turned my head in this pink hell there was a different style of bra staring me in the face!

After picking the size she wants, she goes to try it on. This leaves me alone. First I waited outside fitting room area, but the women going in and out kept giving me strange looks, so I decided to go else where in the store. Then one of the clerks comes up and asks if she can help me find anything. I tell her no, I’m waiting for my wife. Other female customers start eyeing me as they enter the store. Okay, they think I’m some pervert. To ease my discomfort I start checking out the quality of the lighting fixtures.

Where is my wife?!?! She sure is taking her sweet time! Another clerk comes up and asks me if I need any assistance to which I reply, “Nope, just waiting on my wife. By the way you might want to have an electrician check out those lighting fixtures, they are flickering and may have a short.” With a grin of satisfaction on her face, she tells me she’ll advise the manager and walks away. Some of the other customers are walking around and I hear a voice behind me say, “Excuse me sir…” I quickly interrupt with a yelping, “I’M WAITING FOR MY WIFE!” Sweat is starting to bead on my forehead, my pulse is probably around 165, and I can hear the blood flowing in my ears. The customer laughingly tells me she wanted to look at some panties and would like me to move.

I move out of her way and return to my examination of ceiling tiles. This time when I hear a voice behind me asking if they can help me, I about jump out of my skin. What the hell! We could NOT have been in there that long. These clerks are screwing with me! I curtly reply that I am fine and just waiting for my wife to try on an outfit. I like to test drive before I buy. My comment was not appreciated. Once again, I return to staring at the ceiling. What happened next is the truth, there was a flash and I heard the sound of a Polaroid camera. I whip around and the three clerks are huddled together talking and glancing in my direction smirking. Finally, my wife comes out, apparently, her jubberlies have grown and she had to try on different bras to get just the right fit.

She decides she is going to pick up two, one white and one pink (there’s that damn color again!). They go to ring her up and each bra is $50.00. FIFTY DOLLARS A BRA! Son of a goat! These aren’t even sexy bras, these are plain, no frills, and the woman looks better nekked bras! I could understand $50.00 for a bra if it was leather and had metal studs or if it was lacey and came with a pair of crotchless panties! However, this is what she wants so okay, two $50.00 bras… I don’t want to hear a complaint the next time I buy something pricey. I can get a three pack of my underwear for $10.00! Boxers ladies, and I wear a kilt, and work boots. That’s right, swoon now! ;)

We finally leave the store; she is carrying this little pink bag that defies the laws of physics. There is no way in hell they folded both bras into this bag, yet somehow they did. People are now staring at me; apparently, a flyer with my picture was passed around the mall warning of a pervert hanging out in Victoria’s Secret. I needed to go some place just to calm down. My heart is pounding like an air hammer and it looks like I just stepped out of a shower. Quickly I pull my wife into the sports memorabilia store to look at what they have. When I’m able to get my breathing and heartbeat back to normal (Normal for being in the mall that is), we left.

My wife is laughing at me the whole way back to work; she insists it was my imagination. I tell her I saw the flash from the Polaroid when they took my picture! She is adamant that I’m just being paranoid. I think they added me to a book they have under the counter of possible sex offenders!

Posted by Contagion in My torture for your entertainment at October 5, 2005 04:51 PM | TrackBack

Ohhhhhhh you just gave me a great idea. I think I need to take my hubby to VS. They just increased the size of the store in our mall... maybe they'll have more than 3 types for someone my size. Don't ask. Since it's a bigger store, they have to have a better selection for us large women! I can't wait to see my hubby's face!

Posted by: VW Bug at October 5, 2005 02:58 PM

well, I won't go in there either. And I'm female.

It makes me feel dirty.

That, and I can get the SAME EXACT bra (that fits better, BTW. Like VW, I am at the top of their size spectrum so even if it is nominally my size, it sometimes doesn't fit....) in another store for half the price plus they usually have a buy one get the second half off sale. Two bras: $39.

Posted by: caltechgirl at October 5, 2005 03:08 PM

Oh Contagion Contagion....this much embarrassment from a man with "that nightstand"...I doubt it.

However it does remind me of some great stories of when I worked at "Uptown Undies" in Fayetteville North Carolina........

I need to post some of these storeis......

The mall does suck I agree.

Posted by: ArmyWifeToddlerMom at October 5, 2005 03:34 PM

Ok, gratuitous swooning . . . done.

I only buy from VS too. And, they now carry my size in my fav. style and I have every color! Hooray!

Oh, but my husband prefers Fredricks of Hollywood, go figure, must be all that pink ;)

Posted by: oddybobo at October 5, 2005 04:54 PM

I'll bet you've got some crazy stories from FayetteNam....

Posted by: caltechgirl at October 5, 2005 05:38 PM

OHHHHH!! since we got to see your wife in the"cheese bra", I do wish you would at least take a photo of her in her nice bra......and post it.

I am sureI am not the only curious one, especially since she nneded a larger bra than normal....

Posted by: ArmyWifeToddlerMom at October 5, 2005 10:31 PM

VS and I are very happy together ;-) What's funny is that all of the VS catalogs that get delivered to this house are sent to the Hubster. He does all (and I mean *ALL*) of the catalog ordering. If I see something I like, I just leave the catalog open on the counter, and maybe circle the item. And he doesn't mind being dragged into the store when I need to try things on. Then again, he selects almost all of the outfits I wear to special occasions as well ...

Posted by: Barb at October 5, 2005 11:22 PM

Dude, I feel soooo sorry for you. I know the level of Hell you describe. I would rather endure having my nipples scrubbed with sandpaper while chewing on tin foil and watching the Steelers lose yet another game to the damned Patriots! The only remedy for that torture is to go to your favorite bar and drink SEVERAL pints of your your favorite stout. Good luck, and may the gods of Valhalla keep you in their grace.

Posted by: Shawn at October 5, 2005 11:51 PM

I think that AWTM has a great idea... :)

Posted by: That 1 Guy at October 6, 2005 12:04 AM

You know, you could have stayed in the truck. Surely she would have cracked the windows for you...

Posted by: Ogre at October 6, 2005 06:36 AM

AWTM and T1G: No.

Ogre: No, I had to give her my oppinion, to which she didn't listen.

Posted by: Contagion at October 6, 2005 08:18 AM


Posted by: Machelle at October 6, 2005 08:54 AM

Take my husband bra shopping? Ummm... no ain't gonna happen. Because you see - when it comes to being comfortable - the cutesy bras are just that - cutesy NOT comfortable. Therefore - I do my own shopping...

As for waiting in the store - if you must go again... give her your opinion and then when she goes to try them on - tell her you'll wait out in the mall. LOL - serves you right for not thinking of it and standing in the store. I see men in VS all the time - most come with wives or girlfriends... I ignore them - they ignore me - we're all happy. *grin*

Posted by: Teresa at October 6, 2005 09:27 AM

Damn man, you whine like a little girl! It's the mall, and for christ sakes it isn't even a big scary mall, it has what, 20 stores tops? (Not including food or drink places) Sheesh...I almost have enough to say here to write my own post about you're incessant whining! (grin) (chuckle)

Posted by: littlejoe at October 6, 2005 02:46 PM

You've probably met a guy who liked to wear bras and panties. I know of one whom you'd never suspect...

Posted by: Jennifer at October 6, 2005 07:38 PM

I make sure the girlfriends are aware that the only way I'll go into a women's clothing store with them is if they're willing to model stuff of my choosing for me. This usually works so it doesn't bother me that much :P
Heck, I keep telling Candy we're going to road trip to Frederick's of Hollywood (nearest one is about 40 mins from here) one of these weekends...
BTW... $50 for A BRA!!?! DAMN MAN!

Posted by: Shadoglare at October 7, 2005 08:06 AM

And why does everybody get to see the cheese bra pic but me? :(

Posted by: S at October 7, 2005 08:10 AM

I must be the only woman in America that hates malls more than anything else I can think of.

That's why I've shopped online or by catalog for years! My christmas shopping is usally done by mid October. No way in hell I'm stepping a foot in a mall or electronics store after mid november.

And I have ordered the VS crap, and like your wife discovered the underwires eventually come out and stab you as a result of mediocre quality. not so with other bras that I've ordered from other manufacturers.

Posted by: michele at October 7, 2005 10:14 PM