Miasmatic Review

I can't drive 55.

Have you ever done something stupid while driving and gotten busted for it? I’m not talking about singing in the car or picking your nose, I’m talking stupid traffic violation and cops. That was me this morning. I have a lot of things on my mind and I was deep in thought pondering those while energetically singing along to the new Foo Fighters album on my way to work this morning. My attention, stupidly, was not on my speedometer and I didn’t set my cruise control, as I’m wont to do. Throw in the fact that my truck is so big that it feels like you are moving along at a slower rate of speed then you actually are and you have a recipe for tickets.

As soon as I saw the red and blue lights behind me, I looked down at my speedometer and knew I was busted. Fifty-six in a thirty-five. SHITE! My luck with talking my way out of tickets is legendary amongst people that know me. I’ve been pulled over 29 times in the last 8 years and only received speeding tickets 3 of those times. There was no way my luck was going to work with this, 21 over in a residential is a big ticket. Thinking to myself, “eh, what the hell, I’ll give it a shot. What’s the worst that’s going to happen; I get the ticket?” And this is how it went:

(Officer walks up to the truck, window rolled down prior to cop stepping out of his vehicle.)

Me: “Good morning, Officer. I’m sorry; I’m still getting used to driving this big truck and wasn’t paying attention. This is one ticket you won’t have to worry about showing up in court for.” (Hands firmly holding the steering wheel at the ten and two position the whole time I’m talking)

Officer, “You where going pretty fast. Can I see your license and proof on insurance?”

(License and insurance sitting on dashboard prior to officer leaving his vehicle)

Me: (Handing information to the officer and using my Law Enforcement Voice) “Sure, its clear valid, class D-David original, No restrictions, no stops, 1 conviction. It has not been run in Illinois in the last 12 months.”

(Cop and I look at each other; a look of recognition comes across both of our faces. This is not necessarily a good thing when dealing with the police. In this case it was a good thing.)

Officer: (looks at license) “Didn’t you used to work for the state?”

Me: “Yea, about 7 years ago.”

Officer: (Laughing) “I thought you looked familiar, we used to work together I’m (Name excluded for privacy)”

Me: (Laughing) “Holy shite! I didn’t recognize you. It’s been a long time. When did you transfer to the Rockford PD?”

Officer: “Three years ago. Are you still working as a citizen?”
(We spend 5 minutes catching up)

Officer: “You know I have to give you a ticket.”

Me: “I know you can use your discretion and not give me a ticket. If you feel that I made a mistake and will not repeat it, you can let me go.”

Officer: “Yea, we used to race each other on the way to work.”(Sarcastically)”Sure, you’ll never speed again.” (We lived in the same city and would travel the same route on our 45-minute commute to work)

Me: “Hey! I remember someone else starting those little races.”

Officer: (Laughing,) “All right, don’t let me catch you doing it again.”

Me: “I’ll be more careful, BTW I’ll race you to the next light!”

Officer: “I could just see the trouble I would get in if someone reported that to my supervisor.”

We bid each other farewell and I pulled out nice and carefully. I guess I just shouldn’t underestimate my luck. Oh, and before you go trying this the next time you are pulled over remember two things. First, you have to have the right voice and tone inflections when giving your driving status and know what exactly is on there. If you are off just a little, it will NOT work. Secondly and more importantly, the only reason this worked was because I knew the cop. In all rights, I should have been slammed with a very large speeding ticket.

Oh, and yes everyone I’ve told this to today is irritated that I was able to get out of this ticket.