Miasmatic Review

20 rules for travel

What an interesting trip to Texas. I wish I could share everything I learned with you; unfortunately, some laws prohibit me from doing so. Since what I can share would turn this post into a novel to rival that of “War and Peace”, I’m just going to share the highs and lows with everyone.

1) You cannot bring a lighter into the airport. There were no signs stating such, so I didn’t think about it as I walked through the checkpoint with a lighter in my pocket.

2) Security does not appreciate when you try to bring contraband through a checkpoint. They tend to make quite a show of it.

3) If you put the lighter in your purse you can bring one past the checkpoint, you just can’t have it in your pocket. My traveling companion was able to get two lighters onto the flight.

4) Before you let the shuttle go that took you from the airport to your hotel, make sure it is the right hotel they dropped you off at and not the closest one. Some of those drivers do NOT want to drive any further then they have to.

5) It is cheaper for more then two people to take a Taxi from the airport to a hotel then to take the shuttle.

6) Having reservations in a hotel (Crown Plaza Suites Park Central in Dallas, TX Sucks) does not necessarily mean they will honor the reservations, even with a secured late check in. Everyone in my group requested a smoking room, and not a one of us received one. The day before we all confirmed we had one.

7) Just because you (your company) pay a lot to stay in a hotel, it does not guarantee that the service will be good, the rooms will be cleaned, trash will be emptied and the staff polite. (Did I mention the Crown Plaza Suites Park Central 7800 Alpha Rd Dallas, TX 75251 sucks?) Everyone in my group had the same issues with rooms not being cleaned and rude staff.

8) Restaurants in hotels that suck, like the Crown Plaza Suites Park Central in Dallas TX, also suck. Service was very slow, the food was inconsistent (They have a breakfast buffet, the food was good one day and the same style of items were horrible or bland the next.), drinks were weak/watered down.

9) You cannot smoke in Dallas, TX. This means that if you are stuck in a non-smoking room because the Crown Plaza Suites Park Central in Dallas TX sucks and won’t hold your confirmation, you have to leave the building in order to have a cigarette. You can’t even smoke in a restaurant or bar. This wouldn’t be a big deal if those ripe bastards had put you in a damn smoking room! However, if you smoke in your current room, they very rudely informed me, that there would be an extra $50.00 per day cleaning charge… and they don’t clean the room anyway!

10) If you smoke outside in some of the smaller communities you can get a citation for smoking in public… and you still can’t smoke in bars/restaurants.

11) Parts of Texas are dry, as in no alcohol. In these areas, the only place you can get a drink is in a club that you are a member. I.e., you have to buy membership to the club in order to go in and get a drink. Fortunately, these memberships are relatively cheap.

12) People in Texas like to water down their alcohol. Every drink I had down there was weak!

13) Texas has a concealed carry law; the people are allowed to carry guns if they have a license. This means there are alcoholics out there in desperate want of a drink, going through nicotine withdrawal and carrying a gun. Needless to say, I tried not to piss any locals off.

14) Texans get pissed if you start to emulate their accents, even on accident. However, they find it “cute” when a northerner says “y’all”.

15) Before riding in a vehicle that you don’t personally own, check to make sure the back seat is secured to the vehicle. Being flipped out of the back seat of a minivan as the NASCAR inspired driver makes a left turn at 70 mph is not a good way to start your morning.

16) The signs and displays telling you how big a carry-on bag can be in an airport are only for suggestion. No one that works for the airline will actually enforce how big an item can be. Therefore, if you take a full sized garment bag with what is obviously at least 4 days worth of suits, you can carry that on and cram it into an overheard compartment and no one will say a word to you.

17) People cannot count. When they say you can bring one carry-on bag and one personal item onto the airplane, that does not mean you can bring a three-piece luggage set AND your purse. I don’t care if your bags are smaller then the guy who just jammed a large suitcase into the overhead, at least he only brought one.

18) If you are turned back to check in luggage because it’s too big, you brought too many with, or because other people with large bags took up all the overhead space, don’t spend the rest of the flight complaining to me about it. I don’t care if you or other people can’t follow simple directions.

19) If you travel with me, inevitably you will have the parent with the screaming kid right behind you on the airplane. Why people think any child under the age of five will travel “nicely” on a plane is beyond me.

And finally:

20) You can spend 6 hours sitting on your arse (in the car, airport, airplane, bus, any combo, etc) and when you get home, you are seriously exhausted. I have yet to figure out why this is.