Miasmatic Review

Motoring

Eric of Straight White Guy is talking about cars he’s owned over the span of his life. This had me thinking back to the various vehicles I’ve owned in my 16 years as a driver. Originally, I was going to put a comment on his regarding them, but it was going to be so long I felt a post would be better.

1) An 83 Pontiac Phoenix, AKA The Phoeni AKA Death Trap. This was the first vehicle I owned for more then 7 days. (I had a cheap Buick I was given that had an 8 cylinder engine, but I swear only 3 worked) I owned this vehicle from September of 89 through December of 94. I put over 100,000 miles on it in that time. When I was in high school, my friends and I would hop in it and drive everywhere. It went all over Illinois and Wisconsin. It also once made a trip to Washington DC. It had its issues, hell I could dedicate a blog to stories involving this car. It was this vehicle that convinced me that Pontiac is French for “That damn ticking noise”. For some reason the vehicle always made a ticking noise… even when it wasn’t running. Every other Pontiac I’ve been around does something very similar.

One time I was driving it down a busy four-lane street when I see a tire rolling along side the road, part of the wheel assembly and all. Right as I thought to myself, “Where did that come from?” The Phoenix tips forward and I start a spin. Jumping the median, I miss an oncoming Semi by inches. After pealing my fingers off the steering wheel, I realize that was my wheel, part of axel and all. I took it to the local dealership because the service manager is a friend of my fathers. They have a mechanic fix it. When I go to pick it up the guy asks me how much I’m going to be asking for it. I had no plans on selling it; I couldn’t afford another car. When I told him that the mechanic looks at me and incredulously says, “You’re going to drive this thing?!?!?! It’s a death trap!” Hence the nick name. BTW, this happened in 1991.

Other mechanical anomalies with her include a Teflon steering gear was worn down and sometimes you could turn the wheel and the vehicle would not turn. When you straightened the wheel sometimes, it would catch and then the vehicle would turn. (This is real fun when it happens on a curvy road alongside a river such as Illinois 2) At the end of its life, it ran better with NO coolant or oil in it. If you put some in, it would sputter, loose power or stall out until it burned it all off. If you’ve seen the movie Uncle Buck, his car had nothing on the smoke the Phoeni would produce when it was burning off oil/coolant.

It was dubbed the Phoeni by a friend of mine one year when he noticed that while backing into the garage I had scraped the car on the garage door breaking off the X on Phoenix. That left the marking as “Phoeni”.

I finally got rid of the vehicle when it committed suicide. On the way to an interview, it had finally decided it had led enough of a life and threw its timing chain onto the road. It was now more expensive to repair the vehicle then to replace it.

2) 1983 Ford Fairmont. This vehicle was the only one I could afford. I owned it from June of 95 until December of 96. This was the first Ford I owned and I hated it. It was a POS. The Heating/Cooling system had three settings; Off, Deep Freeze and Blast Furnace. When the AC was on, unless you kept your foot on the gas, if the vehicle was stopped it would stall out. I was watching Boopie for my wife (before we were married), and I took him through a car wash. It was the summer and very hot. While in the car wash, I turned on the AC so we wouldn’t bake. At one point, I turned to check on Boopie in the back seat. He was sitting there, teeth chattering and blue lipped fascinated by the car wash. The AC was set on low.

One time Grau and I went to Menards to buy something for a project we were working on at his place. As we were driving back, the Check Engine light came on. We were out in the country and there was a gas station a couple of miles up the road. I was wondering if we could make it to the gas station, when I started to ask Grau “Do you think we could….” (BOOM!) The engine explodes… well not really, a hose on it exploded. Between the light going on until explosion, the amount of time to say, “Do you think we could…” The thermostat on it was stuck open causing the engine to over heat (There where no temp gages, just dummy lights). The pressure built so much that by the time the light came on, it caused the hose to explode.

This vehicle also committed suicide on me on the way to work in December. Again, the thermostat stuck open and caused the engine to overheat. This time however, there was no dummy light to come on, the engine just seized. There I was in the middle of nowhere. Fortunately, a coworker came by and gave me a ride to and from work. The vehicle was beyond repair.

3) 1996 Ford Ranger (December 96 until April 2005) AKA Lucille. I loved this little truck. It was my first Brand New vehicle. If I were going to buy another compact truck, I would get a Ranger. In the 9 years I owned her, I never had a mechanical problem with it.

4) 1995 Ford Contour SE (April 99 to August 2003, Wife’s car). This is the last Ford car I will own. Ford engineering on their cars suck and this one was supposed to be one of there best ones. On our vacation from hell, this car broke down in Merrillville, Indiana. Apparently, Ford thought a plastic fan on the water pump was a good idea. I however disagree, because when the fan breaks sending plastic chunks through the engine costing me a lot of trouble and money to get fixed, plus a stay in the ever so lovely (note sarcasm) Merrillville.

5) 1998 Chevy Venture (August 2003 to present, Wife’s Vehicle). This is a rugged minivan. My wife walked away from a head on collision with out a mark on her. We’ve had no complaints about the van itself… just the dealership that can’t seem to fix it properly after the accident.

6) 2005 Chevy Silverado 2500HD 4X4 (April 2005 to present) AKA Janine. Even though my Ranger was in perfect working order, I needed a second vehicle that could carry the kids. With re-enacting, I also needed a bigger vehicle to carry the equipment. This truck fits both bills. I have the club cab so the kids can ride, as well as the extended bed for extra cargo space. I love this truck. At this point, I’ve had no problems with her and she’s worked better then I anticipated for our needs.

That is it, every vehicle I’ve owned.