Miasmatic Review

Sometimes I'm just stupid.

Oh people what have I done? I took the day off of work… Can’t have me working 5 days in a row now can we? Since I was alone, I thought it was time to hit the stores and do that Christmas shopping that I got sidetracked from doing last Friday. After finishing, I decided that I was going to treat myself to some lunch. Looking in my pocket, I discovered I only had $5.00 and some change to my name. That severely limits the places one can go to get food or at least a food like substance.

Like a herd of stampeding cattle, an idea slammed into my head. I know where I can get real food, at little to no cost! El Burrito Loco! Yes, that is the name of a real restaurant; it’s kind of like a fast food joint, only with real food, and not so fast. They don’t start cooking until you place the order. Off to El Burrito Loco I went!

Walking in I’m greeted by this short Hispanic girl. By short I’m talking she couldn’t have been over four foot 10. She has the stereotypical Hispanic/valley girl accent. You know, the one where no matter what they say, it sounds like they are asking you a question. “Welcome to El Burrito loco? My name is Lupey? Can I help you?” Maybe I should lie and say I’m surprised by that, but I’m not. I’m also not surprised everyone there was Hispanic and that when Lupey called back the order she did it in Spanish. I guess that makes me some kind of racist. It doesn’t help that I don’t like Mexican culture… but I sure love Mexican food!

Looking at their menu my eyes lock on to what I want. GIANT BURRITO (your choice of meat): $4.25. When they say your choice of meat they mean it. They have beef, chicken, pork, tripe, brains, tongue, egg, etc. Yes they really have tripe, brains and tongue on the menu. Me, I’m not feeling adventurous today, I order a beef burrito. $4.54… SWEET! A giant burrito AND change. Lupey yells back “El gringo estúpido para arriba aquí pidió un burrito gigante con carne de vaca!” I smile and go wait with the others. .

Now I’m waiting with a couple of other customers for our orders to come up. Looking around, I notice a plate on the counter that has some of the sickest looking pickles on it. All wrinkly and nasty looking, like they’ve been set out way too long. One of the other customers asks Lupey if they are fried. Sure as hell they are! The customer then asks if they are hot. Lupey responds with, “a little.” The other customer leaves, I walk up to the plate pick one up and pop it in my mouth. Guess what folks, that wasn’t a pickle! That was a deep fried jalapeno. Damn that was good. Lupey looks at me and scrunches her face up like I did something really gross. I think she was upset I didn’t do the stupid gringo “it’s hot” dance. I love hot and spicy food; the deep fried jalapeno was nothing. Lupey yells out, “¡El blanco loco comió el jalepano frito y no hizo la danza!”

A couple of minutes later she hands me a bag and I’m on my way. When I get home I unpack all the gifts I bought and then sat down to eat my burrito and read my e-mail. When I opened the bag this tinfoil ball the size of my head was in there. Grabbing a plate I open it up. People, I kid you not, this thing was the size of my head. It was the largest damn burrito I’ve ever scene. I knew their burritos where big, I’d eaten there before, but this was bigger then normal. I think I got crazy white boy respect from the burrito place. After eating the fried jalapeno with out flinching, the super-sized my giant burrito.
It’s not every day you get that kind of respect from the vatos in the barrio, homes. Therefore, I did what was right by them. I sat down and ate the entire head sized burrito in one sitting. In fact I’m sitting here now with a case of hard belly wishing I was dead. I’m so uncomfortably full that burping is painful.

Now, if you’ll excuse me. I’m going to go pass into a coma now, or vomit.