December 19, 2005

Do not call the police.

I have in my possession an object of sentimental and artistic value to someone else. Since this person just carelessly discarded said item under the seat of my truck, I feel I should teach them a little lesson. Therefore, I am holding ransom this stained glass picture of a sail boat. See the picture below.

If this person wants to get this priceless piece of art back, then need to follow my directions carefully.

1) Find four pennies. One from 1971, one from 1973, one from 1993 and one from 2003. Place a picture of all pennies on the Internet.

2) Find a set of busy railroad tracks. Place all pennies exactly 1 foot 3.25 inches apart along one of the rails. Again place a picture including measurements on the Internet.

3) After a train has flattened all four pennies, take a picture of the pennies and place on the Internet.

4) Place the pennies in a safe location where they will not be lost.

5) Find a ball, any type of ball; I don’t care if it’s a football, a baseball or a ping-pong ball. Take the ball to a local public establishment. Bar, Store, mall, again I don’t care.

6) Get three people to have their picture taken with the ball autographing/initialing it. I don’t care if you know the people or if they are complete strangers.

7) Place pictures of the individuals autographing/initialing on the Internet. You can hide their faces for their protection.

8) Place the ball with the pennies.

9) Make a sign that says, “I have an unhealthy addiction to candles.” Have someone take your picture standing along a busy roadway holding the sign and place picture on the Internet.

10) Have someone take a picture of you holding the pennies, the ball and the sign and place the picture on the Internet.

11) When this is done we will set up a location where we will exchange your property for the pennies, ball and sign.

These are my demands; they are not negotiable. If you fail to follow any of my directions to my satisfaction, I will be forced to do something drastic. You don’t want me to do something drastic do you?

I’m a man on the edge; don’t make me do something I don’t want to do!

Posted by Contagion in General assholery at December 19, 2005 05:34 PM | TrackBack

I am laughing so hard I'm crying.

You are an ASSHOLE. I talk every nice thing I ever thought about you, said about you or thought about saying about you back. All of it. Every last bit.

Ktreva? Honey - you and Clone come on down for dinner. Leave the Glass Hater home!!!!!

Posted by: Tammi at December 19, 2005 06:24 PM

HEY! you better watch it, I'm a man on the edge! I have a hammer and I know how to use it. If I don't start seeing pictures by Wednesday one pane is going to need replacing... if you know what I mean!

Posted by: Contagion at December 19, 2005 06:32 PM

ROFLMAO! OH shit. You needed a drink alert on this one!

Posted by: Bou at December 19, 2005 10:17 PM

Damn Lou that's just mean.
'sho am glad that isn't my sail boat.

Posted by: phin at December 19, 2005 11:34 PM


Posted by: Graumagus at December 20, 2005 03:58 AM

ROFL! YOU are a sick, twisted, devious man and I LIKE IT! I can't wait to see this caper be pulled off...and the #9 is by far the most genius!

Are you related to Wyl E. Coyote, Master Genius?

Posted by: Lee Ann at December 20, 2005 07:00 AM

ROTFLMAO! I must remember when I meet you not to EVER forget and leave something behind.

Posted by: vw bug at December 20, 2005 07:12 AM

just when I think the "classes" are turn around and pull this bull shit...

very clever...

Posted by: armywifetoddlermom at December 20, 2005 09:02 AM

Herk, a few days of sensitivity and you burst out like a raging lunatic? Bravo. But, beware, cause payback is one hell of a bitch!

Posted by: Oddybobo at December 20, 2005 09:12 AM

HEY HEY HEY!!! You should all know I have issues by now!

It's not my fault this happened. She left this item in my truck, under the seat. What was I supposed to do? That would be like leaving a vial crack where a junkie could find it. You're insane if you think they aren't going to smoke it. Well same prinicple applies here. Set me up with a situation to be cruel and vindictive, and I have to take advantage of it! It's a flaw in my nature!

Posted by: Contagion at December 20, 2005 09:39 AM

OMG, i think i wet myself reading this Contagion. You are perfectly evil. At least its not a Teddy Bear.

Oh btw.. candles are perfectly healthy, lmao.

Posted by: talulazephyr at December 20, 2005 11:17 AM

I personally would have gone for some naked pictures or almost naked pictures of college co-ed's.

But whatever floats your boat!

Posted by: Machelle at December 20, 2005 07:31 PM

Contagion - consider settling for just #9. After all, if she admits she has a problem, we can start getting her the help she needs :-)

Posted by: Harvey at December 22, 2005 06:46 AM