Miasmatic Review

Do not call the police.

I have in my possession an object of sentimental and artistic value to someone else. Since this person just carelessly discarded said item under the seat of my truck, I feel I should teach them a little lesson. Therefore, I am holding ransom this stained glass picture of a sail boat. See the picture below.

If this person wants to get this priceless piece of art back, then need to follow my directions carefully.

1) Find four pennies. One from 1971, one from 1973, one from 1993 and one from 2003. Place a picture of all pennies on the Internet.

2) Find a set of busy railroad tracks. Place all pennies exactly 1 foot 3.25 inches apart along one of the rails. Again place a picture including measurements on the Internet.

3) After a train has flattened all four pennies, take a picture of the pennies and place on the Internet.

4) Place the pennies in a safe location where they will not be lost.

5) Find a ball, any type of ball; I don’t care if it’s a football, a baseball or a ping-pong ball. Take the ball to a local public establishment. Bar, Store, mall, again I don’t care.

6) Get three people to have their picture taken with the ball autographing/initialing it. I don’t care if you know the people or if they are complete strangers.

7) Place pictures of the individuals autographing/initialing on the Internet. You can hide their faces for their protection.

8) Place the ball with the pennies.

9) Make a sign that says, “I have an unhealthy addiction to candles.” Have someone take your picture standing along a busy roadway holding the sign and place picture on the Internet.

10) Have someone take a picture of you holding the pennies, the ball and the sign and place the picture on the Internet.

11) When this is done we will set up a location where we will exchange your property for the pennies, ball and sign.

These are my demands; they are not negotiable. If you fail to follow any of my directions to my satisfaction, I will be forced to do something drastic. You don’t want me to do something drastic do you?

I’m a man on the edge; don’t make me do something I don’t want to do!