Miasmatic Review

Man Card, Revoked.

Johnny-Oh is questioning my man status. In this post about gift giving he left the following comment:

”I think I just learned one of the keys to your psyche "I’ve been thinking about why that is since November when I started doing this years.” Dude, you've gotta turn in your "Man Card" for that offense. I would think that it was from the "Heap-Big" brainwashing you'd received from those nice ladies, but this happened BEFORE your visit with them.
(Sigh) This is how Metrosexuals are born you know.”

To which I responded:

”Johnny-oh.. what part of that bothers you? I started shopping in November so I could avoid going the mall/stores during the busy time, thus not body checking an old lady and ending up in jail or the fact that I actually dwelled on that though for that long?”

He found this excuse completely unacceptable. So he’s docked me 100 man points. Then he accused me of becoming a metrosexual. It is with my profound sadness that I must admit to Johnny-Oh, that I am indeed a metrosexual. This is not the first time I’ve been called out on it. Graumagus even made special effort to call me out on it in his Retrosexual Code:

”A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old (Yes, Contagion, I'm lookin' at you)”

Some of you right now are probably staring at your computers in shock yelling loud enough to scare the neighbors, “NO CONTAGION, SAY IT AIN’T SO!” (Apparently when you get upset you use improper grammar). I’m sorry to let you all in on this little secret. If you check my bathroom I have product for my hair, special lotions for when I shave, colognes, etc. My closet is filled with trendy clothes and I’ve even gone to beauty parlors to have my hair cut. I’ve even ordered an alcoholic beverage just to be trendy.

But none of that is why I started my Christmas shopping early. Remember I’m shy, well if you don’t want to believe that because you’ve heard lies from other people, then believe this. I have an overpowering hatred of groups of people I don’t know. It’s like a mix of agoraphobia and xenophobia.

When I’m in a crowded place like the mall, or stores what little tact and self-control I have flies out the window. This turns me into a big, angry, walking bulldozer. I become the arsehole that just plows through crowds. When my wife is with me she knows just to get in behind me and follow closely. I’m like a fullback plowing through the defensive line, and she’s the halfback. All she needs to do is run through the hole I’ve made. What she finds amusing is that most times I don’t have to touch people, the look on my face makes them cringe or jump out of my way.

A couple of years ago my wife and I went to the mall to do some last minute Christmas shopping. I lasted about 10 minutes before my anxiety went into overdrive and I had to leave the building. We got what we needed and started our way to the parking lot. I like the parking lot, I don’t care if I have to park 10 miles away, it’s not crowded with people. The mall was packed with people, there was barely room to move, my brain shut down and screamed, “GET OUT NOW!!!!” The look was firmly set into my face, but most people had their backs to me. I just started pushing my way through the crowd.

My speed kept gathering and my wife was almost running to keep up with me. This poor little old lady, had to be in her 80’s at least, stepped into my way. My wife swears that I lowered a shoulder and body checked her into the crowd. I don’t remember doing it, but I do recall the poor old lady going spinning off into the crowd like Darth Vader’s fighter into space at the end of Star Wars. By the time we got the parking lot my firsts where firmly clinched and white, it looked like there was no blood in my hands. I don’t know what I would have done if I had been in their any longer.

Now, since I have a family and really don’t want to go to jail, I do my Christmas shopping early. Afterwards I go to the spa and have a full facial and chemical peel to rejuvenate my skin. I’d turn in my man card, but I lost that years ago when I got married. That’s when my wife threw out all of my flannels, tossed my girlie mags, and made me go shopping with her.

Sorry to have let you down Johnny-oh.

Posted by Contagion in Bullshite at December 20, 2005 06:30 PM | TrackBack