Miasmatic Review

Some days I wish I was still a cop.

This morning on the way to work, I was traveling at a very unrespectful speed of 55 mph in a 45. Yes, I acknowledge I have a speeding problem. On the stretch of road I was on, it is not uncommon for most of the traffic to be doing 55, with the occasional driver doing 50. Sometimes however, you get some jag off that feels that 55 is just too slow. These also tend to be the same dumbasses that weave in and out of traffic almost colliding with other vehicles. I had a run in with one of these rectal-cranial inverted wastes of space today.

I was in the right lane doing 55; there was a Lexus in the left lane just ahead of me, also doing 55. We came upon a slower moving Buick in the right lane. This is when I decided I was going to switch lanes and pass. As I checked my mirrors, I saw this green Saturn come flying up behind the Lexus. The Saturn didn’t slow down until it was right on top of the Lexus. They where so close I swear that the bumpers could not have been more then a foot apart at times.

After I had passed the slower moving Buick, I changed back to the right lane. The intellectually challenged driver in the green Saturn (With dealer plates) stayed on the bumper of the Lexus. At this point, I’m not sure if the Lexus driver was nervous or just trying to get the Saturn to back off, but they started gradually to slow down. Like by a mile an hour every 2 minutes. This means that I am now starting to pass both vehicles on the right. Just as I am almost right up to the Saturn, still inches away from the Lexus, the mentally myopic driver just whips into the right lane.

The flaming butt nugget was so close to me in my truck that I could NOT see the trunk of their vehicle. I of course slowed down to avoid an accident. But in a most uncivilized manner, I switched my headlights to high beams. At 6:30 in the morning, it’s still dark out here. My headlights are high enough to shine right into the back window. They are also bright enough to cause physical pain to anyone that is caught unaware by them. I left my high beams on for the next quarter of a mile until I turned off the main street. Part of me was hoping the driver of the Saturn would turn off to confront me; I really would have loved to vent some anger onto this asshole. My more responsible and civilized parts however did not want anything more to do with the dumbass.

Just in case any of the drivers involved actually find this post, I have this to say.

To the driver of the Lexus;

I’m sorry if I blinded you with my headlights. It was a very juvenile and assholish thing for me to do. I let my anger get the best of me and you innocently suffered. You handled this situation with more class then I did. My most sincere apologies.

To the Driver of the Saturn;

One day you will cause an accident, not just any kind of accident, but a serious one, possibly with fatalities. At the speeds we were traveling, there was absolutely no reason for your boorish behavior behind the wheel. There is no excuse for trying to squeeze in one car length closer just so you can get to work maybe 30 seconds faster. If you are running late, try to get your arse out of bed earlier, especially on days when you have to scrape frost off your windows. You are damn lucky I don’t know what dealership those plates belong. If I did, trust me, by now I would have called them AND the police to file a complaint. Even if that meant getting my own speeding ticket. If there is a hell, I believe there is a special place for drivers like you.

P.S. If you didn’t notice, the ¾ ton extended cab/extended bed Truck I was driving had almost three times the mass of your little four banger. If something had happened, I would have crushed you like the roach you are under my size thirteen shoe.