November 02, 2005

Boo! DidI scare you? Muahahahaha

In the comments of my Halloween Questions post, Spurs asked me how I made a high school student piss himself. Since I’m just a minor blog, and have six daily readers, and nine regulars, I feel the need to fulfill requests when they are asked of me… depending on what they are.

I have three styles of scaring people that I prefer. The style I use most is what I call the “Creep and Leap”. This is when your “victim” knows you are there and can see you. Some people sit in chairs and pretend they are a scarecrow; I walk around trying to intimidate the mark first. You are “creeping” through the area and making them nervous. It’s easiest to read your mark using this method to see if you are getting to them at all. Once you feel the timing is right, you make your move or “Leap” at them. Some sudden movement and sound is usually enough to get them to jump, scream or both. This method tends to work best on the timid and females. Guys tend just to buck up and save face.

The next method is what I call the “Lurk and Lunge”. This is similar to the above creep and leap, except that you remain hidden (Inside a coffin, behind a door, etc), out of site so your mark has no idea that you are there. I lurk in the shadows or behind large objects like bushes and vehicles. When the person least expects it you lunge at them screaming like a madman. You can get a good scare using this tactic. The problem is that it’s hard to hand out candy AND do this.

The last method I use, which to me is the most difficult to get right, is the “Stalk and shock”. This is where after the person has turned their back on you, you just follow them, many times, they will be involved with talking to their friends or looking at what goody they were given. Then when they either turn around or you finally make a noise you can get them to jump right out of their skin. This works best if they are walking away from your house and feel “safe” from you. That is when you get the best reaction.

Now the incident at hand happened 2-3 years ago, so some of the details may be a little off.

For years, I’ve decorated my front yard as a cemetery with realistic looking tombstones, fog machines, a life size realistic skeleton hanging from a poleaxe, a realistic zombie, severed heads, arms, hands, fog machines. I have a free flowing ghost that glows and moves about in my upstairs window, death on the back porch moving in a strobe light, various skulls, rats, bats, spiders, etc. I dress up as a demon lord of the Abyss, complete with a sub-professional form-fitting mask, demon hands that elongate my fingers and shoe covers that make my feat look skeletal. Every year I receive many compliments from people on how the house and I look. If I had, any pictures turn out this year I’ll post some when I get them.

I roam around the graveyard, run the fog machine, hang out on our large front porch, hand out candy and scare the bejeebus out of people that are over the age of 10. I absolutely refuse intentionally to scare little kids; I’ll take my mask off if they do get scared.

When I’m creeping about, I always look at people’s reactions to things to see if I can get a good scare out of them. Their screams in the night is like crack to an addict. I had just finished handing out candy to some kids when I see a group of four high schoolers coming towards my house, two boys and two girls. I figured the girls would be easy marks, as generally females scare easier… but scaring a guy is much more satisfying. It was too late for me to try to hide, so I pumped up the fog machine and engulfed the yard/porch in fog. As they came up the porch the girls were acting timid, but the boys were being were being “tough” and protecting the girls.

Eh… Fine. There is the next group. After I gave them their candy, (I give candy to anyone that shows up at my door in costume, I don’t care if they are in their 50’s. If you took the time to put on a costume, then I’ll give you candy. No costume, no candy.) I looked and saw no other groups where heading my way.

What the hell, the worst that will happen is I don’t get any reaction and waste my time. As the group left, girls side by side followed by guys side by side, I silently followed them down off my porch with my Trident (Plastic tip on a hoe handle to make it life size) and a severed arm. I’m quietly stalking behind the boys down my sidewalk to the street. I hear one boy say to the other how lame my display was. At that point, I’m half a step behind them.I thrust my trident with the severed arm impaled on it right between the boys into the middle of the group. In a raspy voice I loudly hissed, “This is what happened to the last person that ridiculed my domain”.

All four jumped and screamed. However, the boy that called the display lame must have had to go to the bathroom a while as a wet spot quickly formed in his groin region. SCORE!!!!! Not only did I get a four for one, but also I actually made a guy piss himself. I pointed towards his crotch and said, “Sorry about that” as I walked back to the porch to get ready for the next kids. I could hear the other guy and the girls make fun of him and rightly so. Being scared is one thing… pissing yourself is another.

Posted by Contagion in General assholery at November 2, 2005 12:53 PM | TrackBack

I love it!!! I was sitting here laughing so hard my secretary came in to see if I was ok!

Posted by: oddybobo at November 2, 2005 01:00 PM

I have to get you and my BIL together. He does the same crazy stuff. At Christmas, all he wants is Halloween stuff.

Posted by: vw bug at November 2, 2005 02:09 PM

This is hilarious!! Did the kids come back in the night to vandalise or anything? Pissing his pants in front of his girl is like the worst thing to happen on a "date". Good for you!

Posted by: Sarah at November 2, 2005 07:03 PM

ROFLMAO! Holy crap this is funny.

Posted by: Bou at November 2, 2005 09:22 PM

Quality hijinx!!!!! I hope your pictures come out. It sounds like you guys really do it right.

Posted by: spurs at November 3, 2005 09:33 AM

You're an evil man, Contagion...

Heh. :-)

Posted by: Harvey at November 5, 2005 03:04 PM