Miasmatic Review

Not an average Wednesday night

Yesterday evening I attended a blogmeet held here in Rockford. I wasn’t invited to it, but I went anyway. In fact, LittleJoe and I were both left off the invite list. If we hadn’t over heard one of my very own Blog Fathers telling Anathematized about it, we would have never known. When we confronted Graumagus about it, he responded with, “Yea… I mean to tell you guys about that… really.” He then went on to advise that it was Tuesday night at Don Pablo’s here in town. LittleJoe and I both decided we were going to go. Unbeknownst to us deceit was a foot! We had both made arrangements to attend on Tuesday night. When I returned home there was a message from one of my unctuous Blog Father’s that said, “Hey Aneth, I just wanted to make sure you knew that the blogmeet was really WEDNESDAY at DOS REALES, not Tuesday at Don Pablo’s. Remember; don’t tell Contagion or LittleJoe, we don’t want them to come… (Long Pause) Wait, Aneth’s answering machine is broken…. Oh crap I called the wrong number… uhhh… delete this message and pay no mind to it. There is no need to remember this message; it’s a prank. Yea, that’s the ticket.” You could almost see Grau trying to use the Jedi mind trick on me over the phone.

LittleJoe and I talked it over and decided we were going to crash the party anyways. Bully on them! We arrived separately, LittleJoe about 45 minutes before me; we were the only ones there. At first we thought we had fallen for a clever decoy and after waiting for 30 minutes past the scheduled time we were getting ready to go home when there was a loud noise, a bright flash and smoke filled the entrance way. Over the bodies, blocking the front door, in steps BlackFive wearing full tactical gear and a gas mask. Not knowing who we were he ignored us and went to the far side of the bar to wait. We just kept our eye on him trying to figure out if that really was BlackFive or if someone else, who dresses like that, would show up here at that time.

As soon as the employees had the mess cleaned up from BlackFive’s entrance, in walked Teresa. It’s hard not to recognize her. Her regal presence upon entering was unmistakable. She glanced around with that cheery, “I’m slumming it with the commoners” look. We could tell from the pained look in her eye she recognized us from the last blogmeet we did two months ago. She greeted us with a fake smile and, “Oh, you two are here. How quant.” It was at that point BlackFive used an asp to move me out of the way so he could talk with Teresa.

I don’t remember who arrived next, Aneth or Harvey and TNT, but they arrived at about the same time. When Harvey entered, he immediately tried to get the staff to start a blog. I can’t count how many times in the first five minutes I heard, “So if you started a blog, what would the name be?” TNT immediately went into “looking for prey” mode. I swear that if it weren’t for LittleJoe as my back up, she would have added my head to her duffle bag full of “trophies”. When Harvey saw LittleJoe and me, he said, “How the hell did you two…. DAMN THAT GRAUMAGUS! I should have known better then to entrust him with a secret.” Upon Aneth’s arrival she attempted to pull me out of my bar stool so she could use me as a stepping stool to rest her feet on. Fortunately, my ample mass prevented that from happening. She did start hollering for Pina Colada’s as soon as she sat down in compensation.

Grau arrived next. He saw me, came over and said, “Uh, I see you got my message about the change in date and time. Yea, that’s what happened.” Harvey walked over and backhanded Grau. Growling, Harvey said, “I thought I specifically told you not to mention this gathering to the unwanted stump. We did not want the spawn of the GrauHarveBou here!” Grau, whipping some spittle off his face grabbed Harvey by the shirt. Hoisting him about a foot off the ground, Grau calmly warned Harvey, “I am not one of your blog children, if you ever do that again I will knock your Michael Gross looking arse back into the 80’s!” At that point, Grau and Harvey started laughing and hugging. It made me wonder even more about Bou’s, TIG’s and my blog-procreation.

Finally, Tammi and TIG arrived. Tammi came waltzing in all dressed up and looking as if she were heading to a formal event. While twirling she yelled out, “I’m the prettiest girl at the ball!” She went on to explain how she had spent most of the day in a salon having her hair and nails done just so she could look her best. I thought we were going to have a problem when BlackFive used his model 1911 Colt to shoot the cap off a bottle. The cap almost landed in Tammy’s hair. Fortunately, his aim was very good and instead it missed her by a quarter of an inch and landed in a trashcan.

TIG just pushed his way to the bar, slapped his hand down and yelled, “Bartender… Burrito, Beer… NOW!” I tried to say hello to him, but all I could understand from his low mumble was, “….. need beer…” and “…no beer yet…” However once he was able to drink his first couple of bottles he started coming to. This time when I attempted to say hello he responded with, “Umm, have we met before?” I explained that we had indeed met twice before. Scratching his head as he walked away, I heard him ask Tammy, “Is he the asshole I spent all that time talking to at the April Blogmeet?”

We were shown to a table; LittleJoe and I were relinquished to one end away from the more civilized and larger bloggers. Aneth decided to take pity on us and sat at the end to. It was either pity or the fact she was sucking down Pina Coladas. I had been drinking diet coke up to this point, but I needed something to help me overcome my shyness. I started ordering Jack and Diet cokes. The food was good, but after the meal, they seemed in a hurry to get us out of the place. I think some of it had to do with topics of conversation. Such as BlackFive telling stories of how he has a blister on his hand from knife fighting, TNT talking about the proper way to sever a human head, Harvey explaining about dogs eating cat poop, Aneth talking about putting cats into dryers, my going into details about the sewage explosion in my basement and TIG’s constant screaming for beer.

After we left the restaurant, we went to a bar nearby for drinks. It was pretty much more of the same; we all were sitting and talking about various topics. Then a vile plot was hatched by my BlogFathers to do a 7 month after birth abortion. They decided that we should all do prairie fire shots. For those of you that don’t know, a prairie fire is half Tequila and half Tabasco sauce. The Tabasco doesn’t bother me, its’ the tequila. I don’t really like the taste of tequila to begin with; it’s the fact that it causes me intense bodily pain that I hate it. Tequila tends to interact with my ulcers and causes me pain for days. In fact, as I’m writing this I’m drinking a pepto/prevacid milkshake. I can still taste the Tequila. Grau, knowing me for years, knew this was going to cause me much pain and discomfort. What he didn’t count on was my buddy Jack Daniels being able to subdue Jose from killing me.

It was a good evening, BlackFive only really tried to kill me once when he found out I don’t read his blog on a regular basis. I explained his blog scares me… not because of content but because too many people read it. He seemed to be appeased by that answer and let me live. It was easy to distract him however, all I had to do was get him to start telling stories and he seemed happy enough to tell him.

In all honesty I did have a good time, I was glad I went and it was nice to see everyone.