Miasmatic Review

Biochemical weapons.

I am a Corn Nuts fanatic. They have to be one of my all time favorite snack foods. Normally I just pick up a bag of ranch flavored Corn Nuts and enjoy. For reasons unknown to me, I’ve decided to try other flavors. This is pretty unusual.

It’s not that I fear change; I just don’t like it. I get comfortable and then something changes and I have to get that comfort factor back again. Food is not one of the things I do a lot of changing. Heck, I’ve had Salami/Roast beef and Provolone cheese wraps dipped in horseradish sauce every Monday through Friday for the last 2 years. My lunch is usually summer sausage, hot pepper cheese and horseradish sauce. My normal snack foods are Ranch Corn Nuts, Popcorn, Peanuts, Doritos (Nacho Cheese or Cool Ranch) or Lays chips in a cheese sauce. Rarely do I stray, it happens but not often.

I had the regular… eh, they’re somewhat bland. Barbeque, not bad, I could handle eating these again. Nacho Cheese, Okay when I opened the bag of these the smell was strong enough to have people two cubicles away ask me what I was eating. The taste however was bland. Then today I saw a flavor I had never had before, Salsa Jalisco. I’m not even sure what that is, but I thought why not. Let’s try them. Worst snack food idea I’ve ever had! Hell the chocolate covered grasshoppers I had five years ago where better and more appetizing than these things are!

First, upon opening the bag the smell was over powering. Secondly, the flavor was that of moldy salsa. (Trust me; I’m familiar with the taste of mold). And not good salsa, but the crappy salsa that someone makes thinking it’s hot but really, it could pass as ketchup with onion flavors. You know the stuff, you’re grandmother may have even made it. I know mine did once! Third, the after taste has stuck with me and it’s been over 3 hours since I ate them. Finally, and the most disturbing part is that they make my breath smell so bad that I’m gagging myself. The Ranch make my breath bad, these make it toxic.

If I burp and the odor wafts back to my nose, my eyes start to water and I begin to twitch. I had to go teach one of my minions how to do something. While I was at their desk, I took a swig of pop. Shortly there after I had a small little burp, not audible… but it still stunk. My minion grabbed her face and gagged. After regaining the ability to talk, she asked, “What the hell did you eat? It smells like a vegetable garden went to compost in your mouth!” I would have taken another breath strip, but I didn’t have anymore. (I finished off my final five before heading to her desk.) I just told her that it’s an incentive for her to catch on quickly. The faster she learns the sooner I’ll go. I’ve never had anyone catch on that fast before.

…GACK…

Sorry, just burped. I swear I felt my nose hairs curl on that one. What you don’t see is that I stood up and walked away from my desk for five minutes. Meanwhile one of my peers quickly ran away with in seconds of my leaving.

Take this as a public service announcement. DO NOT EAT THE SALSA JALISCO CORN NUTS! You and everyone around you will regret it!

I’m going to go brush my teeth again.