February 03, 2006


I have a dilemma that I’m going to ask my contaminants to assist me in. I’ve contemplated on this for the last 24 hours, and I just can’t make up my mind. My head tells me one thing and this shriveled up lump in my chest tells me another. I’m hoping one of you will be able to help me make an informed decision.

Yesterday a minion of mine stopped me while I was walking through the department. She says to me, “Mr. Contagion, can I ask you a question?”

Contagion: (rolls eyes) “If you must.”

Minion: “I’ve heard you own some guns, is that true.”

Contagion: (Waiting for the anti-gun rant) “Yes, I own a couple.”

Minion: “Do you think you could do me a favor?”

Contagion: (Being apprehensive) “If you ask me to kill your husband I’m going to be very upset.”

Minion: “NO, no. Not that. We live out in the country on an old farm. We rent the land out to other farmers to actually farm. We kept some of the land so we could some animals. Unfortunately, one of them has become sick and is in a lot of pain. We can barely make ends meet right now since my husband was laid off, and the vet bill for the visit cleared out our savings.”

Contagion: (Hopeful) “Please tell me it’s a Llama.”

Minion: “ Llama? No, why? It’s a bull mastiff.”

Contagion: “Never mind, it’s a long story. Okay, so what do you want from me?”

Minion: “We can’t afford to pay to have him put down. Rocky, the dog, is one of our favorites and we are awfully attached to him. We don’t own a gun and even if we did, I don’t think we could bring ourselves to shooting him.”

Contagion: (Seeing where this is going) “Okay….”

Minion: “Since I know you don’t have any problems with killing animals. I was wondering if you would mind coming out and shooting Rocky for us?”

Contagion: “Yea, I need to think on that one. It’s not like I’m just picking off Bambi’s mother at 200 yards. This is actually somewhat humanitarian. It’s not something I normally do, just shooting an animal to put it out of its misery. It’s up close and personal.”

Minion: “I understand.”

I went back to my desk and pondered on this situation. After I got home and the excitement of the baby, I sat and pondered on it. As I tried to sleep last night, I continued to ponder on it. All morning, while bathing, getting dressed, making breakfast, driving to work, sitting through meetings and passing out work, I’ve been thinking of this. I’m just not sure what to do.

What do you think?

.357 magnum or .30-30 rifle?

Posted by Contagion in Questions at February 3, 2006 12:39 PM | TrackBack

Go with the 30-30, that way you can have enough distance between you and the dog to not get any doggy brains on you and still make an acurate shot.

Posted by: Dr. Phat Tony at February 3, 2006 11:50 AM

Whichever one will leave the dog intact but still dead quick. They may want to bury the dog, and it would suck if the head was missing.

Just a thought.

Posted by: Sarah at February 3, 2006 12:02 PM

You're a better man than I am Charlie Brown.

I couldn't do it. I can kill rats and mice any time, but not a dog.

Posted by: caltechgirl at February 3, 2006 01:19 PM

I once chased my dog around the yard with a .30-.30 but my husband wouldn't let me shoot her . . . damn husband.

That's a nice thing you are contemplating doing for them. I'd go with the .30-.30 if you are dead accurate. The .357 if you need to get a bit closer. ;-)

Posted by: oddybobo at February 3, 2006 01:30 PM

.357, base of the skull.

Posted by: That 1 Guy at February 3, 2006 01:57 PM

It’s a very noble thing you're considering. One suggestion, I wouldn't shoot'em I'd recommend a Framing or Engineer's hammer and the same location as T1G said.

Just as quick and a lot less messy. It sounds callous, but it really is a less stressful if there aren't gapping holes in fluffy when the family says good bye.

Just don't look in his eyes, 'cause well that just sucks.

Posted by: phin at February 3, 2006 02:16 PM

.357 at the base of the scull. I do not envy you!

Posted by: DE644 at February 3, 2006 02:20 PM

.22 at the base of the skull, or go with the .357 in the same place.

Posted by: Laughing Wolf at February 3, 2006 06:55 PM

I'm so horrified I cannot quit laughing! Holy shit!

Posted by: Bou at February 3, 2006 10:06 PM

Use the mortar.

Posted by: Graumagus at February 4, 2006 03:25 AM

I've always heard that you can inject a syringe full of air into an artery and when that sucker hits the heart, you're done fer, so that might be a slightly cleaner option.

Although if messiness doesn't matter, I kinda like Grau's mortar idea...

Posted by: LadyGunn at February 4, 2006 04:27 AM

Word got out somehow and I've gotten this request about 6 times over the last couple of years myself. Some say it's harsh but I personally use a 30-30 to the forehead. Why? I don't know, I guess I've never considered the base of the skull. I'll have to try that next time.

Posted by: Tige at February 4, 2006 11:37 AM