Miasmatic Review

Oh never, oh never, oh never again.

We here in the Contagion household had a good weekend, well let me rephrase that. Contagion of the Contagion household had a good weekend. Friday started off with a talented waitress at a local wings joint of the highest renown. (She was artistic. Not in that lesbian sort of way, but in that she drew us our own personalized coasters for our libations.) The redoubtable T1G met with me there for dinner to discuss the local politics and alleviate an overabundance of fine beer that was going to waste on the local alcoholics. After much debate over the correct pronunciation of the word Golgotha, we decided that we should go see how the other half recreates on a Friday night.

That is when we headed to the local hole in the wall that’s by my domicile. Upon arriving T1G noticed right away that this establishment did not have the usual sophisticated selection of malt beverages. The next thing he noticed was the sever lack of quality distilled spirits. He was vocally pondering why I would entertain such an establishment when we overhear the following conversation, Guy 1, “Hey, you have plaster on your pants.” Guy 2, “Trust me, that’s not plaster.” Guy 1, “Dude, you’re supposed to change when you do that!” All was right with the world. That and $1.50 drafts aren’t bad.

On Saturday I packed the family into the truck and invaded the valley in order to visit Tammi. Prior to our embarking on the expedition, we stopped at a local grocer for supplies. Including more malted beverages of exceptional quality, oh and Camo Silver Ice High Gravity Lager. I had seen this particular beer at the store a couple of times and contemplated purchasing a can to see what it is like. On the can it advertises 9% alcohol by volume, so I figured it would be good for a nice warming at least. It looked sounded like it would taste bad; the packaging didn’t help convince me any differently. On this day, I figured it is time to take the plunge. I purchased two of these 24 oz can behemoths, one for myself and one for T1G. It is far better to drink swill with a friend then by oneself. After dinner T1G and I decided to give the Camo Silver Ice High Gravity Lager a chance. Let me start by saying that this beer by any other name would be pig urine. Nay, that is an insult to pig urine. It was like drinking the vile dregs of 73 kegs (various brands) that were mixed together, left to warm in the sun and served in an old used plastic cup left over from a frat party.

To quote a recent review I’ve read of this unpalatable brew, ”Quite simply the worst beer I’ve ever tried. Three swigs were enough. Then I started gagging. Smells and tastes like gasoline mixed with rotting garbage. Horrifyingly vile swill made by evil people.” T1G’s comment on the taste was, ”It tastes like stomach bile. You know, that stuff you puke up after your done puking.” Yes, my dear contaminants it was that bad. In his review he was kind enough to not repeat those words.

Not to let the vile concoction tarnish our machismo, we both finished them off. There we sat on Tammi’s front porch, the sunlight glinting off the giant aluminum cans, choking down the sick practical joke that is this beer. Scaring the neighbors as the two burly men sat there drinking a product that bums wouldn’t touch.

If you don’t trust my review of this beer, that is fine. Try it yourself, go but a can and choke it down. Just remember the more you swallow the less likely it will come back up. The only thing that could have made the experience worse, was if I had bought the 40 oz. bottles.