Miasmatic Review

How much more?

An empty beer glass sits on a table. There is a slight residue of the amber liquid it held just moments before in the bottom of it. I sit there staring into the bottom of the glass contemplating the events of the last two weeks. What protective shell I’ve built up in preparation for this event quickly crumbles around me. It’s time for me to leave the restaurant before I make a mistake.

Just this morning I was at my mother-in-law’s house lying in a bed with my wife. It had been a rough night for me. I couldn’t sleep, even though I was tired. I kept thinking of what has happened.

On Saturday the entire family went to Ktreva’s grandfather’s memorial. This was for a man that I liked and respected. He had promised to tell me more stories the next time we saw each other, that time never came. It was unavoidable. Distance, time and health prevented us from getting together again before his passing. Justifying it all I want doesn’t make it feel any better. He enjoyed telling me those stories and I loved to listen to them. We bonded over those stories and I feel I robbed him of something there at the end. Truth or not be damned, that’s how I felt.

Thursday I found out that I will be able to return home on August 8th for two weeks. When I return they will be buying me a one way ticket. Not because this is a permanent transfer, but because they aren’t sure how long they are going to need me and I really can’t come home on the weekends, I’d have to fly home on Saturday afternoon only to fly back Sunday Afternoon. It’s just not feasible. Since we don’t know what is going to happen we don’t want to buy a round trip ticket only to cancel my coming home at the end of the week. The tickets are non-refundable. So if I am able to come home for a weekend, they will buy me a round trip ticket from Tulsa to Chicago. At the end of the project they will be me a one way ticket back to Chicago.

Monday night Clone lost his first tooth. I wasn’t there for this first milestone in his life. No, I was working when I received the call. The closest I got was to talk to him on the phone and see a picture of a smiling five year old proud of his first lost tooth.

So as I lay in the bed last night, thinking of how my project isn’t going well and everything that has happened and what I’ve given up for this, the stress gnawed at me. My stomach problems flared up and I was coughing up and puking stomach acid all night. I wasn’t even able to enjoy the simple pleasure of being able to sleep in a bed with my wife. Listening to her breath, feeling the warmth of her body laying next to mine, gazing upon her in all of her beauty and peace as she slept.

Then I left my family. They drove back to Rockford, while I returned to Tulsa. I followed behind them as long as our routes traveled the same path. Watching over them, escorting them, protecting them in what meager manner I was able. Waving at them goodbye knowing that I head back, alone, to someplace where I can’t be with them. Returning to a city where I am by myself.

I sat alone in the hotel room alone for a while, smiling in remembrance of my family and what short time I had to spend with them, Less than 40 hours. After a few short minutes it dawns on me that I am, yet again completely alone. No family, no friends, nobody. So went someplace familiar in hopes of trying to take my mind off of things. I drive to Hooters. There I sat down and ordered beer and wings.

All seemed better… for a few short minutes.

Something just didn’t seem right. I was there alone. None of the people I usually go to Hooter’s with were there. No friends, no family, nobody. I sat there in a restaurant full of people, yet I was alone. Sure there were other people there, but they weren’t there with me. They were there with their friends and their families. As I finished that glass of beer it dawned on me. I had prepared for everything except this. I was bored. I was alone. Most importantly, I was depressed.

While I’m down here I have no one. I’ve been working from 6:00AM to as late as 11:30 at night. Yes, most of the time after 6:00PM I’m in the hotel room, but that’s all I’ve been doing. I can’t go out for stress release, because there is no one to go with. I can’t go with the people that came down with me, for they are my employees. They directly report to me. I can’t go out with the local staff because either I’m training them or they are in positions below me. The company discourages fraternization outside of the workplace in this situation. Plus they are all female and I’m not about to put myself into a situation that could kill my career.

So I sat there, looking into the empty beer glass, and all I could think of was, “What’s next?”