November 13, 2008

Ripples

Weíve all heard the saying about how tossing a pebble into a pond causes ripples on the surface. Those ripples may have an affect on a lot of things, including stuff on the other side of the pond. You didnít intend for those consequences to happen, yet they did.

Oklahoma was the pebble in my pond. Except I think in my case Oklahoma was the boulder in the pond that is my life. Before I left for Oklahoma everything was okay in my life. Iím not saying it was perfect, but everything was pretty much normal.

When I returned from Oklahoma Iíve discovered that in my absence my family life broke down because Ktreva and the boys couldnít handle the hardship of my being gone. Iím not going into all the personal details, but there is such a strain in my relationship with Ktreva that we are having a hard time dealing with each other. Weíre able to keep up appearances in public, but there are some serious problems.

Boopie has slipped not only into old habits, but worse. A lot of that, in my opinion, is because of the sever lack of consistency in home life, especially while I was away. Even though Iíve been back for two months, itís hard to counteract that damage that was done. Ktreva convinced me not to kick him out of the house for now. I took him to his counselor last night. After speaking with him and explaining everything that is going on the counselor and I spoke for a good 20 minutes alone and he supported my theory on where most of Boopieís issues stem from and what caused them to be worse.

Iíve told close friends this next part, but Iím just coming clean with the whole thing. Iím having issues dealing with my experience in Oklahoma. It wasnít the state, Tulsa or the people that lived there. It was the people I had to work with and the details of the job. Iíve been having nightmares; yes nightmares that Iím still down there trying to get everything settled. Iíve actually woken out of a dead sleep in a cold sweat in a combination of fear and rage. Out of all the things Iíve seen and done in my previous career or just in my life in general, itís a stupid trip to Oklahoma thatís haunting me. I mean, Iíve pulled bodies out of rivers, Iíve assisted on autopsies of infants, Iíve listened to people burn to death over a phone, Iíve drawn down on peopleÖ but no, transferring work to another state has my subconscious in a panic.

I now find work almost completely unbearable. I view it as a prison. Each morning I wake up to head into a place that I know has no appreciation for anything Iíve done, the sacrifices Iíve made or the efforts I put forth. My management and peers have taken to disregarding my input on anything. They make changes and decisions that affect my people with out even consulting me, or if they do itís more of a ďweíre going to do thisÖĒ type of thing. When I head into meetings a sense of dread comes over me that can only be equated to the feeling you get before a colonoscopy. I try to stay at my desk or in my unit as much as possible. At least there I feel somewhat comfortable. Prior to Oklahoma, I had issues, but not like this.

Iím waiting to see what happens with a job opportunity for Ktreva before I make any moves, but I canít leave my job until I find another. With the way todayís economy and job market is, Iím not holding my breath on finding anything in the near future. At least nothing that pays me anywhere near what I make now.

I really wish I had never gone to Oklahoma. Except for getting to meet Rave and her Husband and getting to visit Bloodspite, nothing good came out of it.

Posted by Contagion in Stories about me. at November 13, 2008 06:00 PM | TrackBack
Comments

Wow, man - this makes me wonder if it was really a build-up of various stresses over time that finally snapped with Oklahoma being the final catalyst; it's hard to imagine this kind of post-traumatic stress syndome being caused by a management training assignment, even if it did cause you to be away from home for a few weeks at a time.
Out of curiousity have you considered taking the whole family to go to talk to someone as a group rather than just the boy? It sounds like it might help to have somebody to bounce your stresses & frustrations off of...

Posted by: Shadoglare at November 14, 2008 10:30 AM

Oh boo... Hang in there! Things will get better...

Posted by: Richmond at November 14, 2008 03:39 PM

I'm so sorry.

Posted by: Rave at November 14, 2008 08:06 PM

Hang tough man, I know you guys will get through this and if I can do anything to help let me know

I'm in Little Rock currently, not that it matters. Sorry I haven't stayed in touch more lately, my work hours are hectic, and by the time I get done with school work I'm ready to just collapse in to my rack.

Posted by: BloodSpite at November 15, 2008 06:03 AM

Is your marriage and health actually worth that job?

Working at Home Depot maybe better until you find a job.

Trust me on this, a job like that will fuck you up in ways unheard of.

Posted by: Quality Weenie at November 15, 2008 08:23 AM