December 30, 2008

A Day Most Foul

Okay, this isn't something that I normally post about, but this story was just too damn funny not to share.

For those of you with delicate sensibilities, I put the story in the extended entry. If you came to this post directly, I'm sorry.

I really haven't posted much about work due to some advice given to me. Lets just say things have gotten really interesting. That also means my stress levels are up some. Throw in everything going on with KTreva, the holidays and some other family issues going on, my health has taken a slight dip. Now before anyone starts to give me grief or worry. What I mean is that I haven't been to the doctors like I should have and I'm not eating properly and I'm eating and drinking stuff I really shouldn't.

Because of all of that I've had some interesting bowel issues.

This morning while at work I felt a grumble low in my bowel. I knew that something wicked this way comes and made for the restroom post haste. I walk into the largest men's room in the building, it has five stalls. Two of those stalls are already occupied. Normally I'm a bit shy when it comes to doing my business and I would have come back later, but I didn't think it could wait this time. I head into a stall, dropped trow and prepared to have an un-constitutional. Trust, me what was coming was in no way good for the body or soul.

The first thing that came out was a foul, toxic, noxious gas. A gas most foul. This had to be the most disgusting scent my body has ever produced. It smelled like mix of death, rotten eggs, decaying meat and burning motor oil. Yes, burning motor oil... I'm not sure what I ate to make that burning motor oil stench, but it was there. Then my colon released something that resembled air puffed cotton fecal cable.

The next thing I know, one of the guys in the stall next to me starts coughing. I hear him mutter, "Oh my god." Then a couple of seconds later the other guy in the stall lets out a series of gags and yelps, "That's foul".

I can hear them trying to finish up their business so they can get out. While they are doing that my colon is pushing out what can only be described as, and felt like, 25 cubic feat of concentrated vile darkness into the world. A darkness that can only be described as part solid, part gas and part sludge beast, Hexxus, from Fern Gully.

My two unintentional victim's eyes must have started watering, because I could hear them start to sniffle between coughs and gags. Then one of them must have had a problem operating the door because I could hear him say, "C'mon, open up!" and rattle the door.

At this point I'm trying to hold back laughter between gags and grunts.

Finally my two companions run out of the bathroom, after emptying a can of air freshener into the air while washing their hands. Of course I still had another 10 minutes. In that time at least three other people walked into the room and then almost immediately walked out again. Including one person that made the commentary, "That's just wrong."

After I finished, I scrubbed my my hands and made my way out of the restroom. I was kind of in fear that the vile stench would follow me out and terrorize the innocents that are unfortunate enough to have desks right outside the men's room. As far as I could tell, it either didn't follow me out or they did an excellent job of hiding it.

Posted by Contagion in Shenanigans at December 30, 2008 09:19 PM | TrackBack

Ahhh I wonder if that was the origins of that black tar monster that killed Tasha Yar.... *looks around hoping nobody noticed what a huge nerd he just was*

Posted by: Shadoglare at December 31, 2008 10:39 AM

Aha! Found a youtube clip! :D

Posted by: Shadoglare at December 31, 2008 05:26 PM

I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard...

Posted by: vw bug at December 31, 2008 06:57 PM

Heh. I had a similar experience once, but from your description, I figure it compares at about a "2" on scale with yours... I hovered near the door of a two-staller until I knew it was empty, and about 10 seconds into the first release, someone walks in and steps up to the urinal. Suddenly he says, not quite under his breath, "Jeezus!" and he stopped mid-stream to light a match.

WORSE, however... The dire event struck while I was at a client's office. That day, I just knew I would lose that contract!! (Fortunately, I didn't.)

Posted by: Bitterroot at December 31, 2008 07:12 PM

The comment "Thats just wrong"

Ummm Me.

and thanks for confirming my suspicisions

Posted by: Bruce at December 31, 2008 08:13 PM

Damn, I'm jealous.

Posted by: og at December 31, 2008 08:48 PM

We're so proud of you!!! Being someone involved the wars of Bowel versus mankind, I commend your victory! The fact that you wrote about it posted on the internet also earns you a gold star.

Posted by: Dragonfly at January 6, 2009 12:31 AM