Miasmatic Review

.45 or .357? BOTH!

We’re getting ready to make our pilgrimage to the holy land, the Jack Daniels Distillery, in just over a week. I’ve been working on this family vacation for a while now. We’re taking a whirlwind tour of Kentucky and Tennessee. We were all set to go. Then last weekend I did something that made me rethink this trip. What did I do? I watched five movies.

But not just any movies, five movies one should not watch before going on the family vacation. The Hills Have Eyes, Wrong Turn, House of Wax, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the granddaddy, worst nightmare of trips gone wrong movies… Deliverance. Watching these movies I made some rules for our upcoming trip.

1) Always stop to get gas before you get below a quarter of a tank. You never know what “helpful” attendant you’ll find when you’re forced to stop and the run down gas station that time and proper repairs has forgot.

2) If you have no choice but to stop at the “Not so friendly” gas station. Don’t take directions or short cut tips from the attendant. No good comes from that.

3) When traveling, stick to roads that are on the official Rand McNally map you own. If you don’t have a map with you, never mind, you should die. What the hell kind of moron goes on a road trip with out a map? Wait… I think we have the answers in the movies listed above.

4) If you are forced to take a road that is not on the map (I can’t figure out why this would happen) and your vehicle breaks down. Walk BACK the way you came. Do not walk in the direction you were heading. Sure the gas station might be a mile ahead, over the hill and around the curve, but then again so could a dead end, flesh eating mutants, psychopaths or homosexual hillbillies. At least going back the way you came you know how far you have to go and that there is something there.

5) Try not to split up from your family and/or friends. Remember there is strength in numbers. Or if you don’t like the people you are traveling with very much, you have distractions. All you have to do is hamstring one of them so you can get away.

6) If you do split up, don’t send your strongest off in one party and leave the weakest by themselves. Think about it, your separating out the weakest, easiest pickings for them. This is exactly what predators want you to do. Darwin has taught us plenty about this practice.

7) If something goes wrong, it’s best to not stop and watch as your now x-friend is being eaten. They died for a reason; so you could escape. Don’t let them die in vain!

8) Panic is your enemy. Screaming, yelling, shouting, crying and overall catatonic states are not going to save your arse from being lunch… or other unpleasant uses.

9) Firearms have limited ammunition. Shooting blindly into the dark or into the air is doing nothing more then wasting ammunition. You’ll be sorry you did that when you go to shoot something right before it gets you and the gun dry fires.

10) If you have a firearm or bow, shoot when you have the best chance of hitting something. IE if you are watching your now x-friend being eaten, shoot then! Don’t watch, then scream, then start to run, then shoot while being chased. You’re chances of hitting are much better if you shoot while you and your target are stationary.

There we go. I think if for some reason you’re traveling and are forced to take a detour on Missing Tourist Highway, you will at least have a fighting chance in hell of getting out of there unmolested if you follow these tips. If you don’t follow them, then I hope they make a movie about your sorry arse. The only thing better then a good zombie movie is tourist-killing movies.

And when you are packing for your trip, the question shouldn’t be, “Do we take the gun or leave it at home.” No, it should be, “How much ammo and spare magazines should I bring.”