February 22, 2007

The cat must die.

For years Iíve hated cats. To be honest, hate is too friendly of a word. I donít think there is a word in any actual, fictional or pretend language in the entire universe that describes how much I truly feel toward these creatures. There is only one thing that could outweigh my hatred of cats, and that is the love I have for my wife. She adores the damn things. Sheís grown up with cats, has always had them and isnít happy unless one of those insipid creatures is lurking around the house.

Two years ago, after years of cat free bliss due to her other cat dying, I caved in and bought her a cat for Christmas a couple of years ago. The cat and I had a mutual understanding, it stays away from me and I wonít eat it. Hey, I may not like them living, but char broiled they taste good. Everything seemed fine, other then it would jump on the bed in the middle of the night earning it a flight into the wall, it never really pissed me off.

That is until 6 weeks ago.

Now the damn thing is pissing on the carpet. Itís been using the liter box for years. I donít know why itís decided to stop all of a sudden. Weíve, and I mean Ktreva, have tried various carpet cleaners to remove the smell. She has tried disciplining the cat, using pet carpet cleaners, cleaning the liter box more often and nothing seems to work. THE DAMN THING KEEPS PISSING ON THE FARKING CARPET!

Now my house smells like cat urine, which pisses me off. Iíve been burning incense, scented candles, air fresheners and Febreeze. Nothing seems to work. The damn cat knows itís pissing me off, because it stays away from me. Itís been a week since Iíve caught more then a glimpse of the damned creature. Iíve had enough.

Itís to the point now that my hatred of the damn creature is starting to outweigh my love for my wife. I am ready to kill the damn thing. Be it by sword, knife or gunÖ I donít care. Hell if it gets close enough Iíll squeeze its farking neck, until the head pops off. Then Iíll take hide, put it on a stretcher and hang it in front of my tent at re-enactments.
Maybe Iíll just grab it and throw it in the toilet and keep flushing until its spark of life is covered in shite.

This would break my loving wifeís heart. Thus I will not do any of thatÖ yet. If any of my good readers has a clue on how to stop the damnable creature from using my carpet (and itís just one spot) as a piss pot, I would appreciate it.

Until then Iím going to go play Kill a Kitten for a while to help quell the felinicidal urges.

Posted by Contagion in Things that make me go, "GUH?!?!" at February 22, 2007 05:53 PM | TrackBack

I can't help with gettin' the cat to stop pissin' but I know exactly what product will get the smell out - we'll pick some up on Saturday. Don't worry dude - relief is on the way........

Posted by: Tammi at February 22, 2007 07:13 PM

Ummmm you could place down an electric mesh,and then every time she goes for it, hit a button and reenact that "dancing cat" scene from Cat's Eye.

Posted by: Shadoglare at February 23, 2007 07:47 AM

Once you get the smell out, that should help. Cats go where they smell their prior "goings".

Posted by: Carmen at February 23, 2007 08:18 AM

Okay... you know'd I'd like to tell you to dispose of the cat, but I know how much Ktreva likes the damn thing.

You might want to run her, the cat, to the vet. If she's got some frickin' infection, she may be associating it with the catbox and won't go in there. Weird, yes. But it's a cat you're talking about.

Otherwise, the best way to stop her from pissing on the floor is to wrap her in a heavy canvass bag, placed inside a heavy plastic bag, and duct taped. Works almost everytime.

From what I've heard, that is.

Posted by: That 1 Guy at February 23, 2007 10:18 AM

T1G, you left out the part about the cinder block and the river.

Posted by: Raging Mom at February 23, 2007 10:57 AM

If the cat has suddenly changed its litterbox habits, it's time for a visit to the vet. Something's not right, and that's the only way the cat has figured out how to let you know.

Posted by: Omnibus Driver at February 23, 2007 02:03 PM

33 dead kittens.

Meanwhile, I'm echoing the vet advice. Our kitty had huge crystals in her bladder and required surgery.

For the stains, I'd suggest trying OUT! or something else with enzymes.

And play some Kitten Cannon:


Posted by: Harvey at February 26, 2007 06:35 PM