Miasmatic Review

Contagion versus the Tree.

It’s been four days since the chainsaw incident. I’m done being mad about the whole thing, so now it is actually funny.

Over the last couple of years I had a couple of trees start to grow awfully close to my house and garage. At first I didn’t do anything about them, but then I decided I had better get a start before they actually do some damage. Especially since one of the trees was right up next to the house and another was right next to the garage. They weren’t big trees. The one next to the house was 3-4 inches in diameter and the one next to the garage was about 7-8 inches wide. The one next to the house was only about 15 feet tall, but the one next to the garage was about 30 feet. The third tree was in the middle of the yard, but along a fence line… I just didn’t like it.

The tree next to the house came down easily enough. There were three separate trunks intertwined with some fence. It was a little tricky, but everything went smooth. The tree in the middle of the yard, again intertwined with fence came down easily enough with no damage to the fence or the chain. Then there was the tree by the garage.

First off, not only was this tree right next to the garage, but it was also intertwined with chain link fence. To make it even worse, it was between my garage and my neighbor’s garage. Our garages are so close I can stand and place my left hand on my garage and be able to touch theirs with my right. Oh, and to make it just a little bit more difficult there is a phone line that runs right next to it. Yea, this one was going to be tricky. Yet I just knew I could get this one down easy as can be. I’ve precision dropped larger trees then this before.

I make a flat cut about halfway through the tree. Then I make an angle cut to take out a wedge to direct the tree to where I want it to fall. I’m almost done with the angle cut when the tree shifts and pinches the chainsaw. WTF? It’s a maple, it shouldn’t be that flexible. I mean over half the trunk is still intact! Making sure there is no power to the chainsaw, I try to pull it out. That bad boy was S-T-U-C-K stuck. I figure if I just gently and lightly push on the trunk maybe, MAYBE I can pull out the chainsaw.

Now at this point someone is going to say I should have gotten help, tied a rope to the tree, or something else logical. Here’s the problem. Everyone I asked was busy and couldn’t come over. The only help I had was Boopie. If I had tied a rope to the tree and tried to have him pull anything, he would have just hurt himself. Anyone that has met him knows what I’m talking about.

So I just very lightly and gently push on the tree to alleviate the pressure on the blade. Sure enough the tree’s grip on the chainsaw is loosened and it starts to come free. Just as I’m about to let go of the tree it happens. Just like in some cartoon or stupid comedy movie the biggest fattest bird I have ever seen plops down onto the furthest sticking branch that will hold its weight… over my neighbor’s garage.

The tree starts to creak as it begins its slow fall. I drop the chainsaw, (Thank all that is good for steel toe work boots) and grab the trunk with both hands pulling it in the opposite direction. My efforts are to no avail as the tree crashes on top of my neighbor’s garage and phone line. I’m yelling and swearing at the top of my lungs. The boys are staring in wide eyed wonder at the events they just witnessed. To make matters worse, THE TREE STILL WAS ONLY CUT HALF WAY THROUGH! The notch was still in place! It didn’t break, the damn thing bent with the weight.

At this point I’ve lost all rational thought. With anger and frustration I grab the chainsaw, power it up and lift it over my head like a psycho path in some comedy-horror flick. In a stream of obscenities that would shock most people I attack, yes attack, the tree with the chainsaw. I finish cutting it all the way through. Then I grab the trunk and pull it off the roof and onto the ground. Boopie is screaming, “DAD, DON’T! STOP, PLEASE STOP!” I am now giggling with a madness that only those that have been irrationally pissed at an inanimate object can understand.

Yes, I got the tree down. No, I did not damage the garage. No one was physically injured, however my kids may need more therapy now when they get older. As for the phone line… uh, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Right now there are piles of limbs and trunk in my driveway waiting to be cut up and disposed off. I had too many plans over the weekend to finish it. That and in my exuberance to destroy the damnable plant I broke the chain on the chainsaw. I haven’t had a chance to get it fixed yet.

But tomorrow… the sage continues.