May 23, 2007

Protecting the family.

Fight or Flight response, the body’s primitive, automatic, inborn response that prepares the body to “fight” or “flee” from perceived attack, harm or threat to our survival. When a situation arises that we view as harmful, it is this response that prepares us for our next action. Some people will flee, or avoid the situation in order to protect themselves or others from harm. Others will attack to protect themselves or others. They say it’s a hard wired reaction that only years of training can change exactly how you respond, but either way it will be in one of those two ways.

What they don’t tell you is that this response can be particularly hazardous to you, your family and your property. You see a threat and you react with out thinking. By the time your brain catches up with your actions, you realize what you just did was incredibly stupid. At that point you just hope no one was around to see it and that you can repair everything so it won’t be noticed.

Let’s say you are sleeping. For some reason that you don’t know you wake up. There at the foot of your bed someone is standing over you and your wife. Not a kid someone, but an adult someone. Some people might flick on a switch, others might grab a phone, and some may grab a weapon. Or they may just leap out of the bed with a spryness reserved for Hollywood Superheroes and tackle the invader, driving them to the ground and pummeling the ever loving snot out of them. When your wife flicks on the light switch to see what is happening, you notice that there is no one there. You’ve succeeded in crushing and utterly destroying the oscillating fan that was at the foot of your bed. There is no sign of anybody else in the house that shouldn’t be there, and all the kids are sleeping.

Folks, I swear by all that is dear to me I woke up and saw a man standing at the foot of my bed. It was as real as the monitor in front of your face. I mean I’ve woken up and “saw” things but I realized it was just a visual memory from a dream I was having or a trick of the lighting. In this case before that could happen I took out the fan before everything became clear. I utterly destroyed it. Between the tackling and the dozen or so well placed punches, it didn’t stand a chance. So today I get to go out and buy a new fan.

I’m just glad I landed where I did. If I had traveled another foot further I would have gone through the window and landed in the front yard. Did I mention I sleep in the buff? Yea, that would have helped my neighbor’s image of me. A fat ugly naked guy beating the snot out of a fan in his front yard, that story would spread fast.

Posted by Contagion in Stories about me. at May 23, 2007 04:55 AM | TrackBack


Posted by: oddybobo at May 23, 2007 07:54 AM

Dude, I'm ashamed of you.

Had that been a zombie fan you'd have been bitten for sure.

Posted by: Graumagus at May 23, 2007 10:57 AM

I dunno - you could win money if someone was handy with a video camera...

I am just surprised you didn't shoot the fan or put an axe through it.

Posted by: Richmond at May 23, 2007 11:00 AM

That has to be one of the funniest stories I've heard. O!M!G! your poor wife must have been wondering,
"Do I laugh or compliment his strong knock out punch?"

Posted by: h~ at May 23, 2007 05:23 PM

OMG... ROFLMAO!!! I'm with h~ that's the funniest thing I've heard in ages.

Okay, I'm just giggling too much here to think of anything else to say. Holy Crap.

Posted by: Teresa at May 23, 2007 05:47 PM

Grau, you're right. I should have crushed the guys skull with the battle axe next to the bed. It's those damn half-awake reflexes.

As for the rest of you. Gee Thanks. I was only trying to protect my wife!!!!

Posted by: Contagion at May 23, 2007 06:02 PM

That is hilarious! Was it a rotating fan? Then it could be a little more easy to cover your story, because it was moving.

If it makes you feel any better, I did the same thing to a life size cardboard cutout of Larry Bird, one time. I've never lived it down...

Posted by: Jabbah at May 23, 2007 06:06 PM

I read this first thing, and have spent all day poppin' back over here wanting to leave a comment.

Then I re-read it and can't stop laughing.

You're bravery is to be commended. But I would have given a years salary to watch you fly naked out that bedroom window. The visual in my mind is just - amazing...........


Posted by: Tammi at May 23, 2007 07:24 PM

Aw, hell, that's not too bad.

I walked the perimeter of my house with a loaded .44 Special for over an hour before I realized that the intermittent pops I had mistaken for gunfire were FOURTH OF JULY FIREWORKS ON THE FOURTH OF JULY.

Yeah, that second when the lightbulb actually flickers on over your head can be embarrassing...

Posted by: Jay G at May 23, 2007 07:59 PM

That's hilarious...! Bet some people would pay to see the footage of that encounter... ;)

I have the same type of fan at the foot of my bed and now every time I look at it I'll think of you... LOL!

Posted by: pam at May 24, 2007 05:59 AM

Pam it warms my heart to know that you will be thinking of me while you're in bed. ;)

Posted by: Contagion at May 24, 2007 06:11 AM

Now there's another thought that I will have to drink out of my head. Thanks!!

Posted by: Bruce at May 24, 2007 06:06 PM

Do you think you could reenact that?

Posted by: Sissy at May 26, 2007 02:41 PM

I'm not laughing...much. You were protecting your family, is all. Think of it as a rehearsal for an actual event that you pray never happens.

Posted by: Mrs. Who at May 27, 2007 06:14 AM