Miasmatic Review

Yarr! Eat my cereal mattey!

What the hell! All right I know there has been many cross-promotional things. Almost a year ago I made fun of the Star Wars/Darth Vader Cheez-Its promotion. Now I find this:

Captain Jack Sparrow has his own cereal.

The box describes the cereal to be “Naturally sweetened chocolate pearl shaped cereal with pirate shaped marshmallows”. Pirate shaped marshmallows, what is a pirate shaped marshmallow? Cutlass, cannon, pistols, pirate ship, a plank? Looking at the picture it’s too hard to tell. But enough, lets get to the meat and potatoes of this post. My anticipated vision for the commercial.

(Opening on the deck of the Black Pearl, Captain Jack Sparrow saunters up to the camera)

Jack, “Being stranded on a deserted island takes a lot out of a pirate. The solitude, the loneliness, drinking the secret stash of rum can wear a person down. Then there is the threat of mutiny, the British fleet and of course the walking dead. A pirate needs their strength to handle these situations.

(In walks Will Turner holding a box of cereal)

Will, “That’s why we eat Kellogg’s Pirates of the Caribbean cereal. It provides us with everything we need to be the scourge of the seas. With Pirate shaped marshmallows and little black pearl shaped cereal bits it’s fortified with vitamins and minerals that makes a body strong.

Jack, “It tastes great and is part of a complete breakfast!”

(Camera pans out to show Elizabeth Swann hopefully wearing something tight and revealing tied up on the end of the plank)

Elizabeth, “If you don’t eat it, they’ll make you walk the plank!”

(Jack and Will look at each other and nod. Fade to picture of the box sitting behind a bowl of cereal, a glass of milk, a plate with toast, and a glass of juice. In the background you see Elizabeth pushed off the plank and there is a big splash)