June 12, 2006

Damn those mirrors!

I hate days like this. After a weekend of fun and relaxing, minus Friday where I stayed home to deal with contractors, I hate walking into work to find a mess. It figures I take a day off and everything goes to hell. The first thing that I noticed is…

SPECIAL BULLETIN!!!! We interrupt this normally scheduled blog post for the following message.

Earlier this afternoon at approximately 4:15 PM Central Standard Time an invasion force was detected with in the realm of the Household. An innocent civilian (Mild, peace loving Contagion) was maliciously attacked while performing yard grooming. Fortunately the civilian was able to escape with no noticeable injuries. One eyewitness to the incident is quoted as saying; “He was just mowing the lawn when a swarm of the hostiles (Yellow Jackets) engulfed him. We thought he was going to be killed… or even worse.”

The civilian was able to escape and warn the authorities of the impending danger. An emergency session of the Household Security Council (Ktreva) was called. In a lighting decision it was decided that General Contagion was going to be called forth to deal with the insurgents. General Contagion, the highly decorated veteran and leader of such battles as the Great Wasp Invasion of ’05 and Operation Floracide, quickly and enthusiastically responded.

After reconnoitering the enemy’s base of operations (Located securely under the backyard shed), General Contagion decided to forgo normal tactics and go straight for biochemical saturation of the surrounding area. Specialist first class Boopie of the bio chemical transport unit brought out the new Bio-Toxin agent that the household had been developing (Gordon’s Hornet and Wasp killer from Farm and Fleet).

In his typical scorched earth policy, General Contagion unleashed a toxic spray of death upon the enemy. Those that came into direct contact with the toxin died in mere seconds. Those that made secondary contact died in less then 20 seconds. Then folly struck. Thinking that they had won the war, General Contagion halted his attack to survey the damage. At that time, the enemy base called in a squadron of seven fighters that had been out on maneuvers. General Contagion was forced to sound a general retreat.

Once General Contagion was able to gather his troops he went in for a second attack. This time screaming, “Kill ‘em all! Kill all the bastiches and let god sort them out!” Neighboring households looked on in shocked horror as they covered their children’s ears from the sounds of battle and their eyes for the horror they where witness to. By 4:30 PM Central Standard Time, the battle was over. Nothing living was left in the battle area by the time he was finished. Plant, animal and insect all lay dead or dying. Neighboring households rallied in protest at what they perceived as an unethical and unnecessary assault that ended in collateral damage in the thousands. General Contagion in his now legendary diplomatic stance wiped the sweat from his brow, and is reported as saying, “If you don’t like the way I dealt with the little bastiches then I suggest you tell you’re little friends to find someplace else to colonize. Oh, and sorry about your flowers.”
After confirmation of the entire colony being destroyed, General Contagion made the following announcement. “It is my pleasure to advise all of you that the household is once again secured from foreign invasion. Once again the neighboring households have complained regarding our tactics. They have nothing to complain about. It was not their sovereignty that was assaulted; it was not their lives that were in jeopardy. It was not their property being destroyed, it was ours! If it was their household being invaded, they can handle the problem any way they want. I did not ask their opinion and I don’t need their approval. If I wanted any lip from them, I’d jiggle my zipper.”

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog post already in process.

…By the time the day was ended, I had enough. I couldn’t get out of the parking lot fast enough. So trust me people, if you learn anything from this lesson it’s this, make sure your pants are zipped up before going into the videoconference.

Posted by Contagion in Shenanigans at June 12, 2006 07:37 PM | TrackBack

yep, I learned the unzipped lesson in a similar setting the hard way!

BTW, glad you anihilated the bugs!

Posted by: michele at June 12, 2006 08:02 PM

I want to see the video! It will be a classic. ROFLMAO!!!

Posted by: Teresa at June 12, 2006 09:41 PM

Platoon! Tench-Hut! Hand-Salute! (The erstwhile General passes in review.) Order Harms! At Ease!

Heard from a random soldier: "Now There goes a REAL commander!"

"Nice Debrief Sir. Now we'll get the press corps to spin this thing in our favor. They can't deny that all the insurgents were destroyed."

Sweet! :^)

Posted by: Johnny - Oh at June 12, 2006 10:35 PM

It sounds like your yard is once again safe for democracy.
And Farm and Fleet/TSC rules!
That's where I get much of my offensive and defensive home protection implements.

Posted by: jimmyb at June 13, 2006 05:39 AM

Great Job!!! On the bugs. ;-) Now would you please send the General and Army over here to get rid of the ants?

Posted by: vw bug at June 13, 2006 06:33 AM

I've got a paper wasp problem brewing here General, care to take a stab at it?

Posted by: oddybobo at June 13, 2006 07:01 AM

Got any idea how to stop a fire ant invasion of a pressure sensor on a pump? Because my dad has apparently lost the first battle, and consequently, I had to take a shower at my sister's house before work this morning, due to the complete absence of running water at my house.

Posted by: Jenna at June 13, 2006 11:36 AM

Oh go get 'em!! I will be using this as *MY* plan of attack in the coming months I'm sure! Thanks for posting the game plan/end strategy...

Posted by: Richmond at June 15, 2006 06:49 PM